[frustratedstepmom]

Here is my problem, I have been married for 6 months. I have three daughters ages 14, 12 and 8. He has a son and daughter ages 10 and 12. We get his children every other weekend, and every weekend we have them all we do is fight. The children's mother is a liar and she is extremely two-faced. The house where they live with her, her boyfriend and their 1-1/2 year old they have together is disgustingly filthy. She doesn't work, but is too lazy to clean house or any of the things that go along with raising children. My husband pays her lots of money in child support each month but she can't even make sure the kids have clean clothes. They go to school with huge holes in their clothes and they are filthy. To say the least they both stink and when they get to my house they start stinking it up. I don't think she even makes them take baths or brush their teeth. I told my husband that he needs to make them take showers as soon as they get to our house and put on the clothes we keep there for them, but that hardly ever happens. I told his son to take a shower once and his Dad caught him in the bathroom with the shower running and him standing on the edge of the tub fully clothed pretending to take a shower. When they do take showers at our house I don't think they use soap b/c they still stink and the clean clothes they put on stink to high heaven the next day when I go to wash them. Also they put their dirty underwear back on after their showers no matter how many times we have told them not to do this. The last time we had them I went to wash their clothes from their mothers after they had showered and there was no dirty underwear in there from his daughter so I checked everything she brought with her to see if she had stuck it somewhere, then I checked their chest of drawers b/c I have found dirty clothes in there before that they have just put in with the clean clothes. Once I found a pair of his daughters underwear from her mom's in her drawer that were so nasty and crusty they were stuck together. When we asked her about putting clean underwear on she said she had and that her dirty ones were in her bag. I told my husband I had already looked in there so when she was in another room we looked in the bag and she had put a clean pair of underwear in their from our house thinking we would be fooled. But does my husband call her on it…..NO! Also she acts like everything is fine and then when my husband takes them home she tells him that I am mean to her and she gets in trouble for even asking to do something. She also tells him that my daughters are mean to her and all they do is brag about everything they've got. My children are by no means perfect, and all the children fight with each other sometimes but my children are not so mean that all they would do is brag to them about all their things. By the way, all complaints come from the daughter. I have taken to putting a digital voice recorder in the bedroom when they are there so if they say something happens we can listen to it and see if it really did. So far she has been caught in nothing but lies. But my husband always has an excuse for her, and he always says I can tell when she's lying and she's not lying. Then we catch her at it and its well she didn't mean to. Then to top it off last weekend her and her mother called my husband's brother, who lives about 10 hours from us, and they proceed to tell him that we are mistreating my husband's kids, that I am mean to them, that we don't want to have anything to do with them, that my husband tells her she's fat all the time, that we wouldn't let her have her uncle's number b/c we didn't want him to know how bad we were treating the kids, and all kinds of other nasty lies. When his brother called us and told us about it my husband was very angry and he called his ex and told her he was sick of her lies and she better quit spreading them. Then his daughter calls back and tries to tell us that her mother didn't even talk to her uncle that she had just walked in the door and didn't know what was going on….HAH! My husband was mad and was going on to me about how his daughter was just like her mother that she was a liar and two-faced and if she was going to be a part of our family then he was going to tell her that it had to stop. We decided that we would call her and pick her up and Him and I would talk to her with no one else around to try to see what her problem was. I told my husband that he better not get all wishy-washy because she was going to cry and try to make him feel sorry for her so she didn't get in trouble for lying b/c that is how he is when it comes to his kids. He was all, not this time I'm mad and this is going to stop. So we pick her up and when we start to talk to her he asks her why her and her mother said all those things and she said it wasn't mom, when I told her that was a lie b/c her uncle told us he talked to your mom and everything she said to him she changed her story and said her mom had told her uncle that she liked me and my husband. HELLO… does she think we are that stupid. So, my husband asked her what her problem was and she said you don't call me anymore (He calls them at least every other day if not every day) Then she proceeded to lie about everything that was said to her uncle and her mother's part in all of it… all my husband told her is that we are a family and if she has a problem she needs to talk to us about it. Then he took her home. When he got back he said that he thought his little talk with her had helped and that everything would change for the better now. When I asked him why he didn't call her on all the lies she was telling it was back to making excuses. I don't think she was lying he said….how can he be so naïve?!?!?! I love my children too but I could list all their faults I'm not blinded to their shortcomings. It's like he just doesn't want to see how his daughter is, and she knows how to manipulate him. He detests his ex and I think he just doesn't want to believe his daughter is turning out just like her. When I point out that they are with her more and see nothing wrong with the way they are or live all he has to say about that is "No, I tell them when their here that it's not right to live like that and you shouldn't lie and they'll listen to me b/c they respect me…HAH!!! They have no respect for him. I told him his daughter should get some kind of punishment, like being grounded for so long while she's at our house (her mother won't punish her since she's right there in it with her) for all her lying but he feels that all he has to do is tell them that what they did was wrong and they won't do it again. So far I have not seen any evidence that his method of parenting works. So all we end up doing is fighting about his daughter. To say the least it is very stressful on the weekends when we have his kids. What can I do to make him see that his methods aren't working and he is doing his kids no favors by not disciplining them? I'm determined that nothing his daughter says or does will split us apart but I get the feeling that it is only a matter of time. Any Advice???

[cindyroo]

Oh belive me, it's going to get worse. I wish I had some comforting words for you but the truth is.....your husband will always defend his kids no matter how much they walk all over him. My husbands kids do the same. It is really REALLY annoying and fustrating. The step parent has no power over anything. If we say something to the kid.....no matter how nice.....it blows up in our face. If we don't say Anything.....we sit in the back round just sething right? I really have no clue as to Why In God's Name don't the fathers of these little snotty brats See The Light??

[BonusMom]

I have some advice.

First: about the bathing situation. She is how old? 12? Explain to her how WONDERFUL it is to take a nice relaxing BATH!!! Soaking in a tub, relaxing, how women pamper themselves with a good bath every so often and its great. Then put her in a tub that has bubbles, hence the soap is already in there!!

For the Son, Get liquid soap that is fun. Its colored, or foamy, something he will want to put on himself. They have lots of fun stuff out there. OR have DH walk in the bathroom and put soap in his hand (liquid). He can do it with out sounding mean.

Put a laundry basket in the bathroom and have them put thier clothes in it right away. As soon as they leave the bathroom empty it and ask for any clothes that are missing that second.

It sounds like thier mother didnt raise them to be very independant. Well, what can you do, that is thier mother and whether your husband and her were still together or they are living with her, they were going to be raised by her the same way. You DH only goes so far with the parenting and thats the father he would have been regardless.
So because they are not independant you cant just ask them or tell them to change thier underwear, you have to get more involved in making sure it gets done without making them feel bad about it. After all its not THIER fault, they are a product of thier rasing. So treat them as such. Like they are special. Is it "fair" that his kids need more special attention than yours? No, but thats how it is. Stuff they do at thier home that to them is normal and right is apparently wrong at your house. they dont get that. So treat them with kid gloves and be nice about it instead of punishing them for bad hygiene, do the positive reinforcement tactic, or look for something else that works.

My SD has a book from American Girl that is called "The Care and Keeping of You". She is too young for the back of the book that talks about periods, but the begining of the book is all about "how to" brush your teeth the correct way, why you should wash your hair after swimming, how to correctly clean your ears, what type of clothes to wear and when. Its like a girls body users manual. I recommend it. It is complete with pictures (drawings) and explinations and side bar comments. It even says how to brush your hair (with a wide tooth comb if its wet, a large brush if its dry).

the other issue is her lying about how your kids are mean and how you are mean. Well she probably REALLY does think you are mean. Maybe your kids dont talk about how they have so much more, but maybe she feels like it. My stepsister Samantha is 30 years old now and she still makes snide remarks about how we had a better life than her yadda yadda, and she really does think thats how it went down. Even though we grew up in the same house, and my full blood sister and I lived with her because neither of our parents wanted us (lived with aunt, so I guess Samantha is supposed to be my cousin by blood, but sister by love) she thinks that somehow we got more than her.

So maybe when she is there she sees simple comparisons in her head and she feels like they are rubbing it in her face when really they are just living thier life as children raised to be independant and have more. ie: thier toys arent broken all the time, thier room is cleaner. Thier clothes dont stink!!! Life is better and simply breathing in her general area makes her feel that way. The funny thing about kids is you would think they woudl be happy in a life without structure but the truth is they crave it, which I'm sure you know having raised 3 daughters yourself.

As far as her not liking you. Well I'm going to try not too be to harsh on this one. Your putting a tape recorder in the room to catch her in lies, your going with her father to confront her about the lies, and your fighting with her father about how she is bad and trying to get him to see that. You know as well as I do, feelings you have on the inside show on the outside. So she knew you thought she was bad even before you started proving it to her. Shes certainly not goign to talk about how wonderful you are if your trying to prove how bad she is all the time. Expecially if she knows that when he father tries to handle the situation you turn around and tell him that he didnt do a good enough job. If she knows that, then your screwed.

[Alejandros Mommy]

I couldn't agree more Bonus mom...your words are very wise.

One thing I want to point out though.... Frustratedstepmom you sound like you are really mad at your husband and have not talked to him about it. You really need to talk...not fight....tell him how you feel and then let him respond with out interupting him...even if your mad. I understand you are angry but taking it out on the kids is not the way to do it. You are the outsider and you have to earn their love and trust...by invading their privacy and trying to parent them you are alienating them. These kids already have parents...why now take a different role and encourage them positively. It's amazing what a little positive reinforcement will do

[pattiewrites]

I agree with Bonusmom too. I wanted to add that she probably is in need of some counseling. She sounds like she has self esteem issues that need to be dealt with. She is also caught up in a lot of drama involving the adults in her life. That is very confusing to a child and she probably has issues involving loyalty to her mother, etc. An adult with no agenda or stake in her life can help her sort out her issues now before she is an older teen and it gets more complicated.

She feels that you don't like her. Is she right, even a little? I only ask because there isn't anything positive about her in the post. I would suggest finding something to like about her or a common interest and attempting to connect with her. Then maybe she won't feel less important or that you don't like her.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

With 5 children in the home, you are one busy Mom, even if it is for two weekends a month w/ the extra 2.

Speaking very calmly with your husband about his 2 children's hygiene is important. He needs to step up to the plate and help raise his children.

I have to say that I agree with BonusMom - give them bubble bathes when they arrive. Most every child enjoys them. Watch out for bladder infections on the SD though.

What about when SD starts her period? Then there will be even more hygiene issues to address.

One of my sisters is also a stepmom and had to deal with headlice every other weekend with her to stepchildren during their visits. Can you imagine? Makes me start to itch just thinking about it. Finally, they discovered the source - their birthmother's mother (grandma.) What a mess, but finally they were able to get rid of it.

Sounds like some family counseling may be helpful too.

Wishing you all the best!

[ttina]

Could it be that the SD is plain out jealous? She may feel she can't add up to your daughters... your daughters who have HER dad all the time? The dad doesn't want to be the bad guy since he only gets two precious weekends per month.
Bonus is right about the cleanliness being a product of their environment. My son has a funk to him when he gets p/u from his dad's house. He goes over there and OMG the ODOR that eminates from him is vile. I've made him strip outside before. My son is 14... he KNOWS better. It has gotten to the point that I call and remind son to take a shower before p/u. This has nothing to do with his upbringing from me, but his dad has responsibility issues and this is one of the symptoms. I buy TAG and other popular bodywashes for him. He is clean here.
Going back to the daughter... If you always look for the bad you will find it and in the process, you'll miss the scared little girl inside. Asking the dad to constantly punish her and you'll become the evil stepmother. My husband's little girl has lying issues. She lives with us as we are the primary. She will go through spells where she lies about insignificant things. It is usually to get her way (we've put a stop to the poor little girl routine). What she is doing is testing the boundries. She wants to know where they are. A few weeks ago she looks both me and DH in the eye and lied about a school assignment. I knew it was a lie when it came out of her mouth. I kept out of it... DH stepped up. He recognized it was a lie and he punished her. This is a big step from a year ago when I could spot a lie three rooms away and he had to be hit over the head with it. Later I told DH how inpressed I was. The unfortunate thing is... you only have her a short time. Pick what is important and fight that, ignore the rest. Love her and her brother for who they are. If this were one of your daughter's friends.... would you feel sorry and try to help or nit pick them?