[faithful]

I have been married for 8 years w/ two beautiful and wonderful children. I love husband. He is a wonderful man. Unfortunately, I have found that he is not the kind of man that I need or want as a lifelong companion. We have a sort of role reversal, truth be told. I want him to be stronger, bolder, more vocal and assertive. He wants me to keep a more tidy house (my friends are befuddled by this because the house is MUCH better than most, though not perfect).

Here's my real problem. I'm not AT ALL attracted to him. In fact, I have drink a few glasses of wine before I can even pretend to be what he wants. We've been to counseling. It doesn't help because he's terrified I'm going to leave. I don't intend to leave. I made a commitment and I intend to keep it. His response is to overreact for a few days, then return to the old ways.

How do you tell your spouse that you are not attracted to him but still let him know that you want to work it out? I need real help here. My counselors and therapists are not willing to give me meat with the proverbial potatoes.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board, Faithful!

No marriage is perfect. That is because people are not perfect.

You've made the commitment. You love him. He is a good man.

Once upon a time, before you were married and during your honeymoon stage, you were attracted to him. There were things
about him that you really liked. What were they? Need to focus on those.

Need to put on some rose colored glasses as to your DH - his good points and his not so strong points.

I can recall an elderly man stating that his wife of over 50 years, looked exactly as she did on the day they got married.

Of course, she did not look like a woman in her 20's, but
in his eyes and his mind, she still looked young and not a woman
in her 70's.

1) How about going back to counseling again?

2) Try every Friday night or Saturday night as date night. Get a sitter and go with DH out to eat, or to a movie, or to the library, or just for coffee to quietly talk.
Panera Bread restaurants have great coffee and a roaring fireplace in most of the restaurants with lovely seating.

3) Start writing him a short love note every day. Could be just one line.
Tuck it in his lunchbox or briefcase. This will reinforce the special things you think about him, your love for him, and encourage both of you at the same time.

4) Take a shower together. Conserve on water and you'll both be clean. *wink*

5) Watch a movie together at home. Sit on the sofa and hold hands. Make popcorn. Use extra butter. Mmmm!

6) Take up a sport or hobby together.

7) Every evening after supper. Yes, sit down and have supper together every night as a family! Every evening after supper, put the kids in a stroller or on bikes and go for a family walk around the neighborhood. It will give you time to talk, get some exercise, get some fresh air, and the kids will love it. You and DH will feel closer.

Let us know how things are going for you.

[slygirrl]

Wow... I agree with Angie and what she said you should do but I'm kind of taken aback at the fact that you say you are not at all attracted to him and that it takes alcohol to even semi-induce any feelings you MIGHT have for him physically. Why did you marry him at all? Angie is right and you need to focus on those things that got you to marry him. Something drew you to him initially, you have to remember what it was.

With no intentions of leaving and not an ounce of attraction to him is strange to me because most people would walk and normally it may be what I would advise them to do. I don't mean to sound condescending but if you have been to counseling are YOU taking it seriously? Both parties have to be willing to take it ALL seriously for it to even try to work. I've been in marriage counseling and if both parties are not fully applying what they are being told it won't work. Granted therapy is not a cure all as it is, but at the end of the day it should be alleviating some of the stressors.

I honestly don't know if I can advise you any more than Angie has. You took vows and kudos to you for taking them seriously, but you want him to change, you have to give a little bit too. You can't expect the change to be only his. There's things about all of our partners we wish to change and sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. But it also has to be an equal distribution of responsibility when it comes to changing.

[mcmama]

Why aren't you attracted to him?

What does attract you? In anyone?

[tryingtodotherightthing]

I sure hope that you haven't told him that you're not attracted to him! You have to ask yourself what good it would do and what harm it might do...If he knew you weren't attracted to him what could he do to change that? If it's his personality, there's not much he can do and if it's physical you're bound to devistate him.
If it's during sexual intimacy that this is affecting you could you try fantasizing or encourage him to play a role that would turn you on?
Remember to keep your priorities in order. If he's a good father and friend that's what really matters, right? It's good to hear that you're not letting this affect your commitment to him.
By the way, he may become more like the man you want with maturity so don't give up hope!
Good luck!

[PapaBubba]

I do not know you nor do I pretend to.. so I do not know the little nuances that got you both to where you are today. Just tossing out thigns to consider... have you seen you dr. lately and talked? I've heard some people find a hormone change (no not 'the change' there are many things that alter hormone levels) has altered their desires and passions. There may be a medical portion to the equation that needs to be explored.

A friend of mine (no really this is an actual person who is my friend) read the Dr. Laura book on proper feeding of a husband and it helped them out. It too, could be an avenue worth considering.

[Tall_hottie28]

I used to feel the same way about my mate. We stuck it out through the kiddos early years and reconnected as we (and the kids) got older. Hang in there...it'll be ok!

[Alejandros Mommy]

Hello and Welcome to our forum. I'm Lessly, Forums manager for families.com

[cutnbind]

Sometimes your attitude toward him, even though you are doing your best not to show it, affects his attitude. If you are frustrated with him, he may be trying to stay low key, to keep away from confrontation. Being manly is all attitude, and I can tell when it is being boosted by my wife. After pulling the drive off my boat and replacing a bad bearing, I came inside to wash up. As I was washing, my wife wrapped her arms around my sweaty shirt and squeezed my bicep. She said, I cant tell you how much it turns me on to watch you work. One half of my brain said, she is just boosting your ego,but being the simple creatures we are, the other half screamed, You Da Man.
A change in his attitude may be inniated by you.

[chio88]

I totally agree with Angie