[daisy5]

Apologies in advance for the long post! I have been married for 5 years. I was wondering if there is anyone out there who has a husband or wife that obsesses about finances even when they actually have worked hard to secure their financial future. I am having a lot of trouble dealing with my husband’s anxiety when it comes to money. We moved countries recently for me to be close to my family as I spent 4 years in his country, alone since he does not have any ties there and was desperate to get back. We both worked very hard to save for our future in my country because we knew the cost of living is high however, it is higher than we both thought, which is still very much within our means, however, he is unwilling to dip into our savings in order to settle down here permanently. He is looking purely at the number, mortgage rates, vs exchange rates and based on that alone says the mortgage repayments are too high..I agree however we have the money(more than a home would cost), he is just chosing not to want to spend it. His goal before he was married was to retire early and I have to say this goal is still his goal. He makes the necessary financial decisions in order to achieve this goal. While I would like to retire early too, we may or may not live that long, so I would prefer to have a good balance where we can enjoy our life and also be able to save for our future. We have a pretty simple situation that most, we don’t have kids, probably wont and we have one family car and no other commitments or debts. I have asked repeated times what goals he would like to achieve as a married couple in our new country and he says he doesn’t have any goals. He just wants a stress free life. I want to settle down, I want to buy a home with the money we have saved and have the comfort and pride in what we have worked hard for. But he does not want to do it here, he would prefer to live back in his country because the numbers make sense there not here. I feel like I am competing with money and I cannot win and to be honest I don’t think however much money he has will ever be enough or ease that stress for him and he does not see it. He doesn’t tap into the emotional side of our marriage, just looks at the numbers and that drives me crazy. Unfortunately I tried my heart out living away from my country for 4 years, however I recently lost my father and I need to be with my small family in order to try and heal from this tragic loss. I am not getting any emotional support from my husband during this time either because he is so obsessed with money which makes me sad. I really need him. I am not ruling out moving back to his country, but would prefer we make a medium term commitment here. We have communicated as best as possible, we both know we want different things but love each other all the same but our communication has not been so great these days. If anyone has any ideas, would love to hear them. Thanks so much

[mcmama]

Sounds like my ex husband. Control is everything.

How much control do you have over your money? Do you account to him for every little penny? Is he constantly telling you that you don't make enough? Or that you cost too much? Is he secretive about what he spends money on while demanding an accounting for every little thing from you?

If he's just a financial worrywart, try showing him that a home, over time, is a means of equity. Also, if the mortgage payments on a calculator are too high, see a mortgage broker who could tell you what kind of loans and rates you really qualify for. And if your husband thinks the cost is still too high, well, what price of house does he realistically think can be afforded? What monthly payment does he want to make? How much more could really be afforded?

Same for going back to your country. Book the cheap rate and go for several weeks unless there is an immigration issue for you. If it is for several weeks, and there has been a death, then it is unlikely that any western court will construe that you have abandoned your husband.

I mean, what would happen if you just do it? You need to buy a home with him and with his signature, but you don't need his permission to travel back to your original home to see your family in a time of grief.

Then when you come back, show him that the financial roof did not cave in, and if he puts so little value on you as a person, dollars and cents wise, he has a choice to go to counseling with you, or do what you want.

Try taking control. Even just a little. They fear it.

And seriously learn more about money if you don't know what he is doing. Do you know your credit score? Do you know the content of all your bank accounts? Annuities? What your husband is doing to achieve this "stress free life"? Find out, you may have some better ideas.

[Alejandros Mommy]

My husband is a worry woart when it comes to money. He stresses out all the time over the amonut of money we have. We live comfortably and like you are going to buy a house (though we have equity from our current house). I would sugegest getting a starter home. We did this. It secured us enough money to be able to get a bigger/nicer home. If you are living in the USA right now, I have heard that it is a wonderful place for brand new buyers to get houses. I know of lots of my husbands co-workers, here in Canada, that have bought retirement homes in the US as it is cheaper to buy homes their atm.

I would suggest sitting down with your husband and going through all your finances and also sitting down with your bank as just asking for a pre-approval quote. Good luck!

[mcmama]

Daisy, could you tell us what country you are in? I am sure that since this is an international forum, there are others in English speaking countries who could advise you about buying a home and your local market conditions, or give you financial advice more on target for where you are, whether it is the USA, Canada, Australia, UK, or elsewhere.

[daisy5]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for the quick replies.
We used to live in the US - Texas, where my husband is from and after living there for 4 years we moved to my home, Australia.
We have already owned 2 homes in the US, so we are no strangers to the home buying process. Its just that in Australia the numbers dont make sense to my husband as the mortgage repayments are higher, even though we can comfortably afford it. We have already been to the bank and received pre-approval, however he does not want to commit to a huge investment here as he keeps comparing to what we had in Texas and although I miss it myself, I am in the thinking that we moved here so we should make here our home for medium term at least.
I think your right about the control part...I have always agreed to how he manages the finances. I have been respectful of that because I know its important to him, but I keep wondering why are we working so hard if we cannot have something like a home to be proud of as we once did before.
The issue for us is that he is purely numbers, if it makes sense financially then he will give it his all, but if it doesnt then he cannot deal with it and ends up causing us alot of communication issues and rethinking if we want to continue married.
I would just like us to reach a common goal and enjoy life a little and have a healthy balance. I have thought many times to go out on a spending spree and shock him a little...(I dont spend near as much as some wives do!), but my heart wont allow it but I guess I have to get something back for it too.
I have given up alot for him I think and I cannot complain, he moved to Australia for me, but its time to settle for a bit before we even contemplate moving back to the US where everything makes sense $ wise. If we couldnt do it here, believe me I would be the first person to put my hand up.I need to be close to family for a while, in the US we had no one at all.
thanks for listening

[mcmama]

The quality of life in Texas when you measure it against other american real estate is a pretty good deal. So it is not just australia. There are lots of areas in the USA where affording a home would be a stretch but it works well in Texas.

So no wonder he misses it.

But Texas is a big spread out place, and it is no wonder you feel as you do.

I think you probably both need some sort of counseling - not just marriage counseling, for the emotional issues, but financial counseling as well. Seeing a certified financial planner would be helpful toward building an objective goal that you share. I mean one that is not trying to sell you something.

[daisy5]

Thanks for the reply and advice.
We did try marriage counselling, however the counsellor told us to just go out and buy a house since there would be equity in the home. Unfortunately she did not try and learn the real issues behind my H's money issues, so we stopped that.
We can try and financial planner, its a good idea. I guess I have been hesitant to suggest that since even though we had a great meeting with the financial advisor at our bank, when enquiring about a mortgage and everything was well within our means, he kept coming up with excuses. I seriously think this is an issue for him personally, one I cannot tap into. I do feel that no amount of money we have saved will ever be enough, to retire early or later.
I guess I need to see a bit of compromising from him, as I have done for him...we live our life pretty much the way he wants it, he controls the money, we dont go out alot, because he doesnt want to, and I have given up my dream to have a child because he doesnt want one, so I feel I have done alot to try and hold this marriage together and I am ok with my compromises and sacrfices for the man I love, but I really need something in return.

[mcmama]

you need the aussie equivalent of Suze Orman. People first, then money, then things. You should check out her website - she might even answer your questions!

[daisy5]

Thats a very good point...we are familiar with her from the US.
I guess I will be doing some research
Thanks for your help, its appreciated.

[Labhaoise]

I think it depends on where in Aus you are as to the cost of housing. I know that Sydney is really expensive right now, but it all depends on where abouts you want to live. I'm in NSW and the further west you go the cheaper it is... well any where out of the Sydney area is cheaper.

I hope that you can sort things out quickly.