[DavidW]

My wife and I are brand new foster parents. I'll give you a brief summary and then ask my questions.

We have two natural children, 11 yr old girl and 9 yr old boy. We are unable to have additional children naturally, but are able and willing to foster and possibly adopt in the future.

We finished getting licensed for foster care last month and the that same evening, we had our first placement - a seven year old boy. He and his 10 brothers and sisters were removed from their adoptive mother due to some serious neglect issues.

The two main issue we are having with him are one; he wants to be near my wife or me all of the time, unless he is watching TV, which we don't allow very much of.... the second issue is that he cannot entertain himself - he cannot play by himself. We have many toys and a very fun house and yard, but unless it is TV, he cannot do anything on his own.

Does anyone have suggestions on how we can get him to learn to entertain himself?

The next part of my question has to do with my 11 yr old daughter. She has been very mean to him. He wants her attention and is a very touchy kid (wants to hold hands, hug, etc) and she is having a very hard time accepting him.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to help my daughter be more accepting of our current foster child and/or future children? We have talked with her, cried with her, etc, and she is still struggling.

Thanks for all your suggestions.

[mcmama]

How old are his other nine siblings? Is he used to doing things with them, and feels alone in a much smaller family? My guess is that they parked in front of the tv a lot if there was so much neglect. It probably is a relief for him.

Your daughter is having sibling rivalry. He probably relied on a sister for this kind of comfort, and she is uncomfortable about it. She;s also prepubescent, and those hormones kick in early with some girls, so she might be irritable on top of it.

I guess that the thing to do is understand why he is so touchy, educate her about that, and find a way for her to kindly say leave me alone don;t touch me.

[Samual]

Let him watch the tv, as far as your daughter is concerned, she will either be more touchy feely or he'll just accept that not everyone wants a cuddle all the time. You're his foster parents, if he wants to be near you and you're wife, then she should be near you, you are there as he needs you, don't push him away.
You have to maintain a foster childs original routine as normally it has been created by the child as a way of coping with what has happened in their life, if you take their comfort zone away it can be very stressful and upsetting for them. The easier the transition from his home to your house is the better it will be for him in the long run, you can't change a foster child to fit into your family, you have to change for them.

[sugarworm]

David, I know it's not easy having a child that doesn't know how to entertain themselves and who always wants to be near you. It might be too much for you, but try to understand where this is coming from. This child has been removed, from what I can only guess, at least two homes. Having an adult to pay attention and take interest is probably something he doesn't have much experience with and I'm sure he loves having attention. I'm almost positive that his clingliness also stems from the fact that he might be afraid you're going to leave him. A lot of times when children come into care, we have limited information about their experiences, etc. He may just be afraid that either you or your wife or both are going to leave him alone.
My suggestion is to keep him with you at all times. Always. Let him know where you're going to be. An example of that would be, say, if you're in the kitchen but realize you need something from the bedroom you could say something like, "I need to grab something from my bedroom. I'll go get it and come right back, ok?" Then go grab it and come right back. Build the trust. With time, he'll realize that he's safe, he'll be more secure and he won't always have to be right by your side.
As far as the play is concerned...it may be that he doesn't know how to play. Or maybe he just misses his siblings. I can't imagine what it would be like to be torn away from my brothers and sisters at such a young age.
I don't think it's reasonable to expect your daughter to accept his level of affection. I think he should be taught that some people are comfortable with it, others aren't. I think your daughter not wanting to be constantly touched or bothered is perfectly ok and he needs to know how to respect other people's boundaries. It's not something that'll happen overnight, but it's something to work on. But please don't expect your daughter to just deal with it when it's something she doesn't want. That's not fair to her.

[For little Elza]

Hello. Let me say that I see a red flag here. I worked a summer with young girls and I had a girl befriend me as a mother figure and she showed the same signs as your foster son. Sometimes, there is a sexual abuse issue that can be connected to wanting to be close to someone all the time. So, I'm not suggesting this is the case, just posing the red flag possibility. Second, he has so many brothers and sisters, no wonder he wants to be around someone all the time. He was never alone! Chances are he never had to play by himself or entertain himself. Maybe you can suggest play therapy as a service for him through his caseworker? That an an individual sport, like swimming, or something that can help him develop some skills and interdependence? Just food for thought... good luck!