[Barb09]

Confused, please see your PMs

[Muslim Mom]

It seems you've consulted okay sites, I'm not sure about submission.org, I know there is one group that doesn't accept the hadiths (verified words of the Prophet) and that would be outside of Islam. Try to email islamonline.net or look at Muslim American Society's website, Sh. Hanooti has given good counsel there. Ask for help from MECCA, a group that started offering courses to new Muslims in NYC and NJ, someone may reply to your questions. Leave the issue of a fiance out of your questions because Islamically, you should not have a relationship going with a Muslim woman if you are not already a Muslim.
I'd also question her motives, if she is middle aged and never married or divorced her options for marriage are limited unless maybe she is part of the intellectual elite and even then (even in American society!) it is difficult. I don't know what the immigration laws are like for Iraqi's now a days but for other single Muslims from ARab countries, it is practically impossible since 9/11. Who wouldn't want out that mess? If she's adamant upon marriage, why are you balking? Your posts are contradictory.
Her family may respect your intentions if you back off from her, learn the faith well enough to sincerely practice it and then go to them and her as a Muslim. You're not 18, you can put time and space between yourselves to make everything right and clear.

[Barb09]

She is widowed...according to his first post.

[Muslim Mom]

thanks Barb.
Does she have children? That's important and what happened to the husband? These all important factors in why the family may be against an American, who has not converted, yet.
Just as families question the motives behind a woman who converts to Islam when she marries a Muslim, the same doubts will arise with a man...is it sincere or just so to get married? I'd be wary of a man who wanted to marry my daughter if he wasn't already a Muslim before he met her, and I'm a convert!
Religion aside, talk about cultural differences, I'm married to a man from S.Asia and while we are happy, it's taken 16 years to get comfortable with the cultural differences!http://forums.families.com/images/sm...erful/a053.gif

[ConfusedinIraq]

Originally Posted by Muslim Mom

It seems you've consulted okay sites, I'm not sure about submission.org, I know there is one group that doesn't accept the hadiths (verified words of the Prophet) and that would be outside of Islam. Try to email islamonline.net or look at Muslim American Society's website, Sh. Hanooti has given good counsel there. Ask for help from MECCA, a group that started offering courses to new Muslims in NYC and NJ, someone may reply to your questions. Leave the issue of a fiance out of your questions because Islamically, you should not have a relationship going with a Muslim woman if you are not already a Muslim.
I'd also question her motives, if she is middle aged and never married or divorced her options for marriage are limited unless maybe she is part of the intellectual elite and even then (even in American society!) it is difficult. I don't know what the immigration laws are like for Iraqi's now a days but for other single Muslims from ARab countries, it is practically impossible since 9/11. Who wouldn't want out that mess? If she's adamant upon marriage, why are you balking? Your posts are contradictory.
Her family may respect your intentions if you back off from her, learn the faith well enough to sincerely practice it and then go to them and her as a Muslim. You're not 18, you can put time and space between yourselves to make everything right and clear.

Thanks for the response and the leads.

Submissions.org was a site that just provided information about Iraqi weddings and traditions. Again, reading it made me feel bad because for her to marry me would deprive her and her family of such tradition. Since she is widowed I'm not even sure if those traditions carry over to the "second marriage".

Her motives. Hm. Had I not known her for a friend, first, and gotten to know some of her ideas that could have come into play. Certainly one has to be rational and ask the "whys" to themselves but I have no questions about her sincerity There have been too many indicators that she wants me and not what I have or what I might be able to offer. As for the balking, well, it's out of respect to the beliefs and customs I have learned. I would hate to think in a time of need the family would turn its back on her. It's a very real concern to me.

Basically . . . it comes down to this - I'm stuck. I'm not sure what to do.

PS. Islamic Garden is another website I have studied.

[ConfusedinIraq]

No she doesn't have children. She was married at 26 (a second wife) and he died of cancer when she was 28.

The concerns you outlined certainly are shared by all parents. I know I will have concerns when (and if ) my daughter gets married.

[WordsAplenty]

I'm late getting in here, but I mostly agree with Muslim Mom. I think you need to focus first and foremost on Islam right now: do you REALLY agree with the religion? Do you really want to be Muslim? If this woman walked away right now, would you still want to convert? Are you willing to devote your life to being a good Muslim? If the answer to any of these questions is no, I would suggest you both move on.

As for the family aspect, technically a Muslim woman is free to choose her own husband, as long as he is Muslim. In reality though, most do value their parents' input. Even if she is willing to go against their wishes now, how will she handle their disapproval later? Will they disown her? Can she live with that?

If you truly want to be Muslim, I would suggest that you go ahead and take your shahada and begin living a good Islamic lifestyle. Try to win her parents over. Show them that you are committed to Islam, that you will be a good spiritual leader, and that you only have her best interests at heart. In time, hopefully they will see your goodness and approve of the marriage.

If you are only considering Islam for the sake of marriage, I urge you to reconsider. You will not be happy, she will not be happy, and her family will not be happy. As someone else said, you really can't be Muslim in name only. It is a lifestyle change. As the husband, you will be expected to be the spiritual leader of the home. How can you lead if your heart isn't in it?

Good luck. You are clearly a good man to even be asking these questions! So many men would only think of their own needs and desires. The fact that you are in so much turmoil over this says a lot about your integrity. God willing, you'll make the right decision. Keep us posted.

[mcmama]

Words, it is certainly great to hear your voice here! We luv ya!

[Wesleysgranny]

I am sorry for your problem. I wish you the very best. Some muslim families just won't let go of tradition. The best thing you can do for yourself and your partner is get married, come to the US, and try to live your lives the best you can.

[riyhussabahu]

esselam, i understand you,you love her,but a muslim woman can't marry to a nonmuslim man. this is the rule no one can change it,it is what Allah(azzevecelle)said to us. both of you must have respect of her family,you must respect her believe. just try to understand them and learn islam,you will be happy. if you make her family unhappy you wont't be happy,sorry becouse of my poor english,i just want you to be a muslim and marry her and live together forewer,you'll thing you did the best.