[born_again89]

This site is new to me, but when I found it I knew I had to join. I wanted to find a forum like this one and talk about everything that I've held inside me.
I know that some may be angry with my story, and I understand that. But please, offer your support. I've been through other forums like this where I have only been yelled at, so-to-speak. I'm a real person, I have emotions and loss just like you, so listen with your eyes and please be kind.
In January of this year I was a senior in high school. I had become pregnant at this time with a baby whose father I had no romantic connection with at all. But I won't go into our relationship so much passed that.
When I had told him I was pregnant, he had no response at all. Then when I confronted him, he still had nothing to say. We were forced to deal with it when my school principal found out and told us we had to tell our parents before the end of spring break. I thought he would comply since this way it seemed like he had no way out.
Also, by this time I had seen a doctor, found out the of my baby (a ), and found a name for her (Rhiley). Even though I was terrified of the experience itself, I couldn't wait to hold a baby in my arms who would one day call me mommy.
My 4th month of pregnancy the father finally said something to me which devastated me. It was the last Saturday of spring break when he stopped at my house. He mentioned abortion, and I said I wouldn't do it. He said he wasn't looking forward to Sunday night, which I assumed meant he was telling his parents then. So I said that I would wait to tell my mom just before I left for school Monday. Then he said "no, that's not what I meant... I don't plan to last til Monday..."
I knew exactly what he was talking about and it scared me so much that I was actually speechless. He left and the rest of that night I was crying and trying to figure out what to do. I called my school counselor several times and she wasn't home. I didn't know what to do. I became so depressed.
On Sunday I finally reached my school counselor. I told her that the pregnancy was a mistake and I was never pregnant. I then told her about the father and how I thought he was going to kill himself. She called him to tell him it was a mistake.
The truth, though, was that I was so terrified for him that I decided I would abort. I wasn't able to get a ride until 2 weeks later, by this time I was 19 weeks. I knew that abortions could be done up to 20 weeks. I also knew that a real person was inside of me. A little with a heart, a face, tiny hands and feet. I never wanted to even think of doing that in my lifetime. But I was more concerned for him.
From the moment I left the building for the procedure, I was depressed and filled with regret. This has stayed with me ever since.
A few weeks after I lost Rhiley, her father asked me if it was true what the counselor told him or if I really did abort. When I told him he quietly said "sorry..". That was the last thing I wanted to hear from him. He shouldn't be sorry, it was what he wanted. Now knowing that he regretted it too tore my heart up even more.
Shortly after that I told him I couldn't even talk to him anymore. For months we had no contact at all with each other.
Recently, I decided I would forgive people in my life who had wronged me, him included. So I started talking to him again. At first I was fine. But then I began to notice how much he had changed. He had become a christian in that time. This, again, something I did not want to hear.
One day we were talking when I told him I was drunk. And then another day came along. And another. I was always drunk. I hadn't realized this until he pointed it out to me. Eventually I realized I had basically spent 2 months drunk. Two months beginning September 3, when Rhiley was to be born.
At this moment, I decided I would stop drinking. He helped me through it and yes, it's of course still a struggle. Drinking was how I coped with not having my baby. And since giving up drinking, I have been so unbelievably upset.
If I see a haire, blue eyed baby , I want to cry. When I walk passed baby clothes in a store, I almost cry. When it's the 3rd of any month, I cry. And when I talk to her father, I cry.
I feel like I will never, ever forgive myself for this. I'm so depressed all the time. I barely function throughout the day. I'm a student in college and I can't manage to focus on one lecture without thinking about my Rhiley. I don't know how to get through this! It hurts me so much.
Can anyone offer me advice of any sort?

[Alejandros Mommy]

Firstly Hello and Welcome to families...

BIG HUGE (((((HUGZ)))) to you...I can understand how hard it is to live through this decision. I am saddend and angered by your ex.. I can hardly believe he threatend to kill himself if you didn't abort....I am so sorry he did this to you!!! How selfish to put you in that kind of situation. I can only hope that you have learned from this...and that this man has as well and never attenpts to do this to another woman!
You really need to see a counselor about this...and be honest to yourself and others that you where in fact PG...only by doing this will you fully heal.

[kimchee67]

First of all, I want to say sorry that other forums haven't been very accepting of you. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it must be even more hurtful to get anger instead of support. I know that there are others on here that might be more helpful, since I haven't gone through quite the same thing. I did get pregnant in high school though, but lucky for me, nature took its course and made the decision for me. Having a miscarriage so young was difficult for me, but I know it is different than abortion. I hope others have more to offer you, but I just wanted to let you know that this is a very supportive community and has been very helpful to me. I hope that it will be the same for you.

[poliscmjr]

I'm at a loss for words to say to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and just know we are all here for you to support you through this.

I have to agree with Lessly I think counseling for yourself would very helpful to you.

[MiaCamille]

i'm at lost too not to sure what to say but feeling sad and angry at your ex for what he has made you done, i also think that counseling might help you.... Good luck.

[2girls]

I am sorry you are going through this.
It isn't fair that your ex made you feel like you had to literally choose between him or the baby.
What happened, happened, and I can only imagine what you are going through right now.
I lost a baby, but it was nature's choice, not mine. So I can't share any similar experiences with you other than losing a child is hard....it's very hard. You need someone to talk to about this, you need to get your hurt and pain out on the table. Find a good counseler, someone you feel comfortable with. Talking about it will only help.

[quagmire8]

i agree with everything that has been said. the whole situation is sad, and you should have never been put in that situation. so sorry you had to go through this. if you are in college, check into a school counselor, you should deal with these feelings of regret, accept what you have done, and most importantly, forgive yourself. ((((hugs))))

[mommy2067]

Just want you to know that my heart goes out to you as well...I think that other friends' suggestions of counselling would be the right path to take...to help you heal and forgive yourself and be able to move on...not forget b/c you never will....but to forgive, learn and move on....Sending you ((((HUGS))))...

[allisonx]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your ex should have never put you in that situation. I'm also sorry that you haven't been received well at other forums--I'm sure that being yelled at (well... angrily typed at) isn't helping. I agree that you should seek counseling. I can relate only in that I, too, have lost a child, though it was by nature, not by choice.
I hope that things work out for you and you find the comfort that you need here at Families. It's a wonderful place .
Feel free to PM me anytime if you ever need to talk.

[QueenAngie]

Wishing you a warm welcome to the board!


(((Hugs)))

Sounds like 2007 has been a really tough year for you, my dear!

Losing a baby is very sad and can take several months or longer to grieve. Sounds like a counselor would be a good thing for you at this point.

Are you in college or have a job?

I have 2 sons (18 & 21) both in college, and if they shrunk their responsibilities toward a pg young lady/girlfriend,
I'd be putting a boot in their behinds.

No, not really a boot, but they'd be getting a firm discussion from this Mom about rights and responsibilities.

Hoping that 2008 will be a better year for you!

(((Hugs)))