[tinamarie11]

This is kind of a long story, so I'll try to just hit the points. In short, I've got quite a dilemma...

I have 2 boys, 7 and 9 yrs and my boyfriend has 3 girls, 5, 7 & 10. The 10 year old does not live with us and came to visit for a week after Christmas. She lives 2 hours away and we have little contact with her unless she wants to come get her Christmas presents or her birthday presents. She does not call, she (I know, her mother) does not return calls to us, does not respond to email etc., until about a week before gift giving time. Yes, the mother is just as bad as the child material wise.

Anyway, when she does come, she usually throws our house in to upheval. She is bossy, mouthy, demanding and generally unhappy. And then there's ADHD, for which she has medication. The first days of the visit usually go OK, with normal siblings squabbles and sharing issues (she doesn't know how to share either). By the end of the week, our 4 kids are ready for her to leave because they have had enough of the drama, the shouting and the outbursts from her.

Now I'm not even to the problem yet! Before Christmas, she went with her mom and stepdad to Disney for a week. She brought a week's worth of homework to do, and since I stayed home all week, guess who got to help with homework.

I was shocked at her abilities, especially in Math. She is in 4th grade after being held back in first grade once, so I know she's had problems in the past. She had a math test she needed to do without the book. Of the 20 questions, she could do 8. Of those 8, 4 were wrong. After I asked some questions, she said she was failing math. Her mother has never said anything to us. We were told her grades are average and it is only C's or better. Obviously, they are not.

After the test, we had three lessons of math to do. The very first words out of her mouth were always, I don't know how. To make this short(er), she doesn't know her multiplication, division, how to tell time, decimals, rounding or anything to do with story problems. She can add and subtract money. Her science was not much better, her reading level is low and her spelling is OK. We are in the process of getting online access to her grades and trying to contact the teacher about behavior.

But there's more....over the weekend, we find out:
1 - she does not have health insurance and needs to go to the eye doctor (mom didn't want her on dad's because he had higher co-pays and deductibles, but she never informed us she had none.)
2 - the ADHD medicine has been rationed because she didn't have any insurance until our visit.
3 - she goes home to an empty house most afternoons until mom gets home.
4 - she packs her own lunch for school everyday (isn't 4th grade a bit early?)
5 - mom does not help with homework because she doesn't know it!

What can we do to improve this situation?
- A tutoring center won't work because no one up there can get her there or back.
- Private tutors would fall to us but we don't really have it in our budget for the expense.
- Mom would never give up custody because she needs the child support.
- The child would not want to stay with us because we set limits and have rules we expect her to follow when she is here. Like no sneaking cookies for breakfast, no waking up the other siblings, using manners, not arguing, etc, all of which she tried last week. When she does get in trouble and has to sit in timeout, there is screaming, crying and carrying on like a two year old. Then she wants mom and wants to go home immediately.

So how do you fix a situation that you know - and the grandparents and other relatives know - is going downhill when neither party (mom or daughter) wants your help? Do we let her education suffer and her behavior get worse? Do we force the issue and take control, throwing our other 4 children in the chaos and potentially alienating, hurting them?
After the visit, we asked the kids if they had any fun when she was here when we had each alone. (We don't want them to not like her, so we try to not bring anything up in front of them or when they are together). Each time, the child replied "no" right away with a various reason...she's mean, she's bossy, etc.

Grandma says it's tragic, but at this point she feels it would be sacrificing 4 kids to try to save one that does't want to be saved. Has anybody gone through this before? Help! We're Christians and feel like we are turning our back on a problem, but also don't feel equipped mentally for the fight or the anguish of those transition months.