[BonusMom]

Hello all. I have been on a different forum for the past 4 years, even started one of my own that never really got off the ground. But I tried to find a different forum because I feel my situation to be unique that the woman at my other forum just didnt quite understand. So I will give a little background, then I will ask my question.
I am somewhat young. My husband, biological mother to my SD, and I went to high school together. hubby and she dated through out most of high school. They broke up but apparently not before she got pregnant and two months later came back and broke the news. They got married but it didnt last long. They were living in seperate homes when SD was one. And he wasnt around at all for the pregnancy because he attempted to join the military. I reunited with my hubby no less than 3 weeks after he moved back in with his parents and out of the home with BM. We dated hot and heavy for a year. SD visited every other weekend and every tuesday night for an overnight visit. We got married before the next christmas. (we started dating two weeks after SD's FIRST christmas and were married by her second christmas). I had joined the army and hubby was going to ship out with me. He made a deal with BM that he have SD in the summers. After we got to Hawaii she changed her mind. She changed her mind alot. She said we could take her and then said we couldnt. So one day I just sat down and e-mailed her. (I hadn't spoken to her since H.S.) I told her one day SD would know why she didnt get to see her father and expected a harsh rebuttle. Instead I got a heartfelt response from he rexplaining that she WANTS sd to be able to see her father but she is living with her mother and her mother says no. (because her mother had ill feelings about the young pregancy and the divorce). To my suprise my e-mail sparked a friendship between BM and I. We talked everyday almost. She eventualy asked me to take Sd and if we could switch over custody. She gave many reasons: She didnt want to have to live with her mom working all day and coming home late to argue with her mom that SD is HER child not the GM's; she wanted SD in a two parent home and to feel normal; hubby didnt have to work since the army took care of everything and she knew he would have more one on one time with her; and other reasons like finances. She put SD on a plane with my sister to come live with us and from that day for a year she didnt see SD but I did continue to send her pictures, home videos, talk to her on a regular basis and have SD call her even though the phone calls werent much. SD started calling me Mommy. that was fine. As long as she distinguished that I was Mommy B and her BM was Mommy D which she did. BM had SD for her summer visitation and then we moved to texas. In texas BM took her for one week in december to celebrate christmas. Then a year ago after being back in BM's home state and a few miles from where SD was, BM started taking everyother weekend with SD. But it only lasted 4 months before she moved to a different state. This past summer BM took SD for her summer visit again and she will have her for christmas this year for the first time since that babys first christmas (although she did have her around christmas for her second, but not ON christmas untill now).
She didnt pay child support for the first 2 years but is now. For some reason she isnt court ordered to pay insurance or keep insurance.But she does have to pay for all transportation.
We have a seperate phone line for BM to call SD and she calls her twice a week. She also mails her cards sometimes.
Okay, so the reason the other forum was getting difficult is...BM and I STILL get along. I just finished responding to one of her e-mails moments ago. I refer to SD as "my daughter" and she still calls me mommy. She calls BM mommy too and shes not confused. If you ask her she will say that BM and I are friends. She is six now. But people keep telling me that I need to step. That I am doing too much for SD. I treat her as if she is my own. I care for her as if I was her bio mom. I deal with her mother as if I was married to her instead of DH. But for some reason I am drawn to this woman. We chit chat and talk. Its strange, like on some other planet or some other time we would have been great friends. Dont get me wrong we fight. We fight about things like when her visitation with start (like this christmas when we had a big party set for sat before christmas and thats the day she is flying out. I told her Sunday to sunday but she wants to change it because she is only coming in for 4 days instead of the week and thinks we should push it back)
But I am feeling out this board. Do you women here think that I should be backing off and letting Dh do the co-parenting and primary parenting of SD? do you think she is going to resent me in the future if I dont. Do you think that knowing so much about BM's life and her knowing so much about ours is going to bite us in the butt one day? Seriously. These are the things people tell me, from seasoned stepmoms. And I am wondering if this is all truth or if we are doing it the right way.

[twinzplus3]

I'm not a step mom. . .but had step parents on both sides.

It might bite you in the rear end but sheesh. . .any thing you do may eventually come back and bite you in the rear end. Hindsight is 20/20 but that doesn't mean that we should walk forward by looking over our backs. KWIM? It sounds like for the most part everyone has kind of moved on and is making the best of what was once a potentially difficult situation. I can tell you it was very, very stressful for me to hear my sm be annoyed with my mother and it would've been nice if they got along.

As far as parenting. . .I can't speak to why other people are giving you that advice but it seems like there are a few distinguishing factors in your situation. . .one is that sd was very young. . .two is that the relationship between dh and bm was a teenage relationship right? Or really, really young adult. I suspect bm really wasn't ready to have kids quite yet.

I think that whatever civilized arrangement you all work out is fine. Really.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Hello and Welcome to families

I think your perfectly within your rights to have your SD call you mom. My husband is not my 8yr olds Bio dad....but he calls him daddy. He has been Alejandro's life since he was 18mnths. Some people say the same thing to us....that it is confusing Alejandro to call Dh daddy. BUT he knows who "fathered" him and what a daddy is and does.

As for getting along with your Dh's ex...that is an ideal situation. Most people could never do that...I am glad that you and her get along. I bet your SD reaps the rewards of that and has grown into an adjusted little girl because of it. You seem to be doing a wonderful job.

[ttina]

I thought from your name you were from the bonus families forum, but i don't recognize your story.

In any case... go with your heart. Just b/c outsiders don't understand your relationship doesn't make it wrong or whatever.

[TheSmother]

Hello Fellow Stepmother (or as I lovingly refer to myself, TheSmother, hee hee). Stepparenting is not an easy thing. I happened to be blessed in a blended family. However, it isn't always easy (like sometimes). I offer you this. You are part of the stepchild's life now. You are married, and therefore will always be a co-parent, biological or not. You are an important part of the SD's life. You have a relationship with the BM, and that, as far as I'm concerned is even just as important. You influence this child's life, wipe tears, give discipline, give love. YOU are a parent. Plain and simple, and it doesn't take blood to be one. The title of "mom" or "stepmom" doesn't even have to be there. You are part of her life. Be there, love her, and guide her, just like it sounds like you do.