[Madison71]

Hi,
I'm new to the site and really need some advice. I got married 4 years ago when I was 33 years old. This is my first marriage and my husband's second marriage. We have been building our home now for 3 years now, doing 90% of the work ourselves which has been a tremendous amount of strain on a newly married couple. Just a little over a year ago, I noticed that things just weren't right in my marriage and that my husband had become more controlling and even verbally abusive. I do believe both of these actions were going on while we were building our home, but I was just so wrapped up into the house that I didn't really see what was happening. He criticized mostly everything I did in the house and wanted me working on the house as much as he did. I am a hard working girl and not afraid to work, but am a bit concerned that my husband feels that his wife should be doing as much physical work as he has and that after all we are both equal. He has told me that if a divorce comes along that he does not plan on giving me half without me putting in half of the work. I was crushed; as my father never kept a "scorecard" of what my mother did or did not do. During the three years of building my husband kept our functions to the bare minimum meaning we did not celebrate family/friends birthdays; we did celebrate Christmas, but only after we put in a good mornings work at the house. I come from a rather large family and family is so very important to me; so it was hard not being able to be with my young niece and nephews and seeing them grow over the years--but again, I did not say anything because we were building a house and I believed that we needed to stay focused in order to get the job done. As the three years continued on, my husband had a falling out with my father, brother and sister and now wants nothing to do with any of them. He has started isolating me from friends and family--as he doesn't want them at our house. He says that I can go and see them, but he doesn't want them here. However, he has reminded me that we have lots of work to do on the house and doesn't feel that it's right for me to visit and be away from the house while he works. When I do have a function that I "must" attend, such as the baptism of my friends baby, he used that against me later on and told me that I was enjoying myself while he worked on the house. He was welcomed to come but said there was work to be done. My friends were crushed that he didn't take the time to come to the baby's baptism; this is just one incendent. When we were first married we were undecided about children, now he has decided (because he is head of the household) that he doesn't want children. I am crushed because I feel like I have no say in the matter; and now at 37 I'm not sure that I want to spend the rest of my life without a child. He said that children are a financial burden and that he doesn't want the extra work. He also finds fault with my friends and doesn't want my best friend over our new house because she has three children; and he doesn't want to discipline them if they start acting up! Since then, I left my husband for 6 months for my own personal sanity-I felt like I was completely broken and needed some individual counseling which I sought out. My time away didn't seem to bother him much with the exception that he was working on the house alone and I was "on vacation". I came back home after 6 months not because he had changed but basically to give my marriage another shot--after all as a woman I feel that I can do whatever I can if I put my mind to it--even fixing my marriage. Things were ok for the first month or so, but things have gone right back to the way they were but this time there is more isolation and our holidays this past year were practically non existent. He simply told me that we are too busy for holidays. I was crushed that the first year we were in our house that I was putting up the Christmas tree alone while he was on the computer--he said he was too tired to put the tree up, so I did it alone. This year, no tree, I just couldn't do it alone, and he said we didn't have time.
We have gone to counseling with the Pastor who married us; and the Pastor told me that my husband is a "right fighter" meaning that he will fight you until you give in because he has to be right all the time. The Pastor sympathized with me and told me that he could not believe what he was hearing in counseling and doesn't feel that my husband will change--he did say he would be willing to work with us, but after a few sessions with our Pastor, my husband said that he didn't like what he was hearing and said he didn't want to go anymore. So we went to another Christian counselor for one session as the counselor was more interested in my line of work instead of the problems on hand--we were both disgusted with this counselor.

Let me first say that I realize I am not perfect and I'm hoping with a little prayer and some counseling that things can turn around. If there is something that I'm doing wrong, or something I can change, then I want to know, but without some professional help, I am always left feeling that everything is my fault. This is my first time being married--and my marriage did not come with instructions and I am trying to be the best wife I can. I work 40 hours a week, take care of the cleaning in the house, the grocery shopping, cook all the meals (we don't eat out) and still work on the house with my husband. My husband loves money--in fact I even found some stashed away that he told me that it is his; he had it prior to us being married and it's still his. He has bought himself a new truck (without discussing with me) and then bought a new/used car and a new tractor (which he did speak to me about). I still have my old car and in fact he told me just days ago that maybe my father could help me buy my next car.

Well three years later, we now have our house inspected and we are "free" from our town; however, our house is not complete, there is finish work and landscaping that needs to be done. At this point in my life, I think it's time that my husband and I start spending some time with each other and trying to salvage this marriage. We work every weekend on the house and really do not have a social life or friends for that matter---we also have not taken a honeymoon either.....but I guess when this is your second marriage a honeymoon is not important--he has already had one, I didn't. My husband feels I'm being unrealistic and I should be happy with the house that I have because I couldn't afford this house on my own pay--so basically I should just be quiet. He also told me that he can't understand why I'm not happy being in a new home in the country? I love my home, but would love to have family and friends over, but he forbids this. He told me that he may just go and file for a divorce someday because he's tired and wasn't put on this earth to make other people happy? I know there are so many cases out there like mine, but if you really knew me you would see that I am a very simple, old fashion girl that does not spend money foolishly (in fact I really don't like shopping at all), I love to cook/bake; love being home, but need family and friends in my life. When I was younger we didn't have much money--but spending time visiting with family/friends was priceless. At this point in my life, I'm not even really sure what a marriage should be or should not be? I realize that I may never have a child, but do I give up my family and friends for my husband? I dont know when enough is enough and I'm running out of hope. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated....thank you....Madison.

[mcmama]

Wow. You are very unhappy.

Regarding divorce - whether he likes it or not, your assets and debts will be subject to equitable distribution. No court is going to look at "half the work". And if you are an old fashioned girl, he should be counting his blessings.

Equitable distribution will apply to things like pensions, IRAs etc. So if he is sitting on a wad, "for the future" guess what honey. Half of what he accumulated during your marriage is yours. Works the same for you too - half of your stuff is his. That is what lawyers are for - negotiating that stuff along with child support and alimony.

Your husband really does not want a divorce. He wants to bully you into thinking that if you don't please him, he'll fix you good.

Do not allow him to isolate you from your family. He has to grow up and deal with it. I heard this from my ex all the time. Stuff about how good wives and good husbands "foresake all others". Including the family of origin that loves you and grieves for how you are being treated. That's not what marriage is.

By the way, my ex husband did not foresake all others. He's gay. He lies about it to himself all the time, denying it. For what it is worth, I have discovered in my support group that isolation is a pattern among gay husbands who wish to compartmentalize their lives by controlling their wife.

I suspect your husband wants to control you because something in his own life is badly beyond his control. He may not be gay, but I'll bet he's got some secrets.

Whether or not you divorce, you should consult a lawyer about your rights and your options. If he is threatening to divorce you, he is banking on this making you fearful. Knowing your rights (and for goodness sake don't discuss this with him) will make you stronger in the face of this bullying. You'll have a better sense of what to do, and how to refute the argument. I suspect he'll crumble in the face of that. Or - be more controlling, more punishing. Then you pretty much have an idea if this is worth sticking through.

Also, it is your home - invite people over. Neighbors, co workers, neutral people. Then family. Tell hubby you want to show the palace off. It is a source of pride for you both. And if you cannot share a happy home with all the people you love, then what's the point? He has to know - and respect - that you cannot live like that, and he has no right to make you live like that.

Let him huff and puff. He ain't gonna blow the house down, he'll just try to make people uncomfortable. Ignore him. It's your house.

I'm assuming that you are not physically in danger. If you are, get out now.

For a guy who wants Christian counseling, he sure is not being very Christian in how he is treating you. I'm sure he doesn't like being reminded of that.

[mrsdecember]

Madison,
I would agree with mcmamma, having been married 20 years myself. I once heard a Pastor say that you worship anything you can't live without for 3 days...that would include a house and money.
A marriage should be a partnership, but sounds like the 50/50 has shifted in your case. Even if you don't continue the couples counselling, individual counselling would still be advisable for you.
And isolation is never a good thing. Even Jesus didn't live an isolated life, my dear. Will keep you in my prayers.
Kay

[Madison71]

Thank you mcmama for your advice. I have consulted a lawyer and have made copies of everything I can just to be on the safe side. The lawyer informed me that he would not be taking more than half; it is half for both of us. Whenever an issue comes us and he informs me that I won't be getting half, I simply tell him that the courts don't work that way--but he thinks he can outsmart the courts. The laywer told me that in my county that the judges are very good, and my husband had better watch his step.
I would love to invite family/friends over, I just don't know how he is going to react to them; and of course all the fighting that will come along with it once the entertaining is over.
My husband likes to use his Christian values to his advantage, however, he does nothing Christian like in his life. He was raised in a strict religion, and though he is no longer in that religion, he brings up many of the values and expects me to follow through. I am a Christian and have asked him to come to Church with me, but he insists that he learned all there is to know about God when he was growing up.
thank you again for responding to my message.... Madison

[Madison71]

Thank you mrsdecember.....
A marriage should be a partnership, but a loving, caring partnership. I feel like I'm in a partnership---a business one. I often wonder if my husband got involved with me because I was financially surviving on my own, and came into the marriage debt free--that was an extra bonus for someone who loves money.
I am seeking individual conseling; especially after this weekend I asked my husband to go back to counseling, he responded "no, it doesn't work and he doesn't need it"....he told me that I needed it, so I will gladly take his advice and get myself back into counseling.
You are correct, Jesus did not live an isolated life and I can't imagine this is what He desires for me. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers--I do need them--and will keep you in mine.
thank you for taking the time to write me.....Madison

[mcmama]

He knows all there is to know about God and doesn't need to come to church??????

That's some wake up call he's going to have at the pearly gates. Sounds like a true sin of pride and arrogance. And violating the first commandment.

Eventually, you have to live your own life, with him or without him. And he will have to deal with the consequences of not only turning his back on God, but insisting that he become your god.

[browneyes01]

I agree with the other women i don't think he wants to divorce you he wants to be in control of the marriage and to him dangling the word divorce over your head is his way of control. And like the pther women said the courts will divide up the assets between the both of you so he may not get the things he wants or presumes are his. I suggest you go get some counselling for you rsanity and continue to speak to a lawyer to learn you rrights in case something does happen and he does decide that he wants a divorce.

[FoxyLady74]

I want to know why did his first marriage end in divorce? Did she leave him because of the way he was treating her?
My husbands wife was the same way. It ended up that she was gay. You are in my prayers.

[jkl123]

Ever hear of slave labor?? Sounds like that is what he is doing to you. From my opinion (and I realize this may not be right for your religious beliefs), I would get out NOW. Any man who is selfish enough to make the decision ALONE to not have kids is not worth sticking around and trying to work things out. You're 37. If you stick it out another 5-10 years, and it STILL isn't working (which is what I suspect), you lose that window. You'd be at a point where child-bearing is almost over, and would still be searching for a partner.

Think of YOU and what you want for YOUR future. You don't want regrets years down the road.

[QueenAngie]

Originally Posted by jkl123

Ever hear of slave labor?? Sounds like that is what he is doing to you. From my opinion (and I realize this may not be right for your religious beliefs), I would get out NOW. Any man who is selfish enough to make the decision ALONE to not have kids is not worth sticking around and trying to work things out. You're 37. If you stick it out another 5-10 years, and it STILL isn't working (which is what I suspect), you lose that window. You'd be at a point where child-bearing is almost over, and would still be searching for a partner.

Think of YOU and what you want for YOUR future. You don't want regrets years down the road.

Welcome to the board!

I am always the one to encourage others to stay married,
go to counseling.

A Christian husband places his Christian wife on a pedastal to be cherished and loved.
Yours has you on the roof with nails and a hammer, working nonstop, besides for your regular job and chores.
He is not acting like a loving husband should.


But I have to say in your case, you are 37. Now is the time to make decisions for yourself. You left him for 6 months, and he was 'good' for about a month, returning to his usual ways.

Continue to collect copies of all bank statements, loan papers,
salaries, etc.

Get the best lawyer in the county and start on a legal separation.

Also, contact (telephone call is fine) all the local lawyers,
as a free consultation. Then, your husband will not be able
to use any of them for the divorce.

Get a credit card in your name alone.

As the wife, I would be inviting my friends and family over to show off the new home....every weekend. It is your home. Just remember, a lady never leaves her home in the divorce.


Wishing you all the best, my friend! Let us know how things turn out.