[For little Elza]

I didn't plan on being a single parent. It just happened. I have a long thread on the Violence, Abuse, and Healing forum if you want the whole sordid story.

Basically, my DH (not dear anymore) doesn't want the responsibility of his children. He won't work. He wants all our material possessions. He doesn't call his kids anymore. He acts like a hero when he does take them. We are still in the "Breaking up" stage.

I called the babies' daddy last night. He was being a rude jerk. No matter what, he claims that he used to do everything by himself before he left us. And he did leave us... gradually.

He stayed in Arizona to go finish college last August. I came to SD to work and raise the kids because he was being very abusive and selfish. I was basically in a position where I felt like my major contribution was work horse - I was the only person willing to work.

Anyway, he stayed to finish school. Then he came to SD to be with us, but bailed out and got hooked on prescription pain meds (morphine) that his mother was supplying him with. This took place between September and Thanksgiving. He basically did not support the kids, refused to call or keep them, and was just a total pain to deal with. It was and still is all about him from this point.

Then, he graced us with his presence from Thanksgiving until Valentines Day. He watched his kids while I worked. I wanted him to get a job, but he never did. Then, he got back into school at an ITT Tech in Denver and transfered there.

He left the day after Valentines Day, with me giving him a ride, to his dad's house to live outside of Denver so he could go to school. So he has basically been there.

I feel sad and hopeless. My kids are so small, less than 1 year old and less than 2 years old and already their dad has made big decisions to be out of their lives. He wants me to live in the past when he was a really great dad to our older baby. He did take care of her, but he has never taken care of me. I have always taken care of him. I have always taken care of myself.

He will not give me any acknowledgment for taking care of the kids on my own. Anytime that I may mention that it is hard to work full-time as a teacher, making teacher pay, and then have my kids in my home with a relative who I pay over $150 a week for daycare(plus groceries for her kids when they come to my house after school, plus a ride to my house in the morning making me late every day, plus a ride in the afternoon when I have to leave them alone with my 12 year old to drop them off because my brother is too big of a pig to help me, let alone give his wife a ride).

And I drove from South Dakota to Arizona and back in 5 days to pack up the apartment we left behind in Arizona while I was waiting for him to make up his mind about school. He had a horrible roommate who moved in, trashed the house, paid no rent for 2 months, and ran up an electric bill in my name. And DH was supposed to get everything out of my name in August. But he never did so I ended up paying and am still paying.

But I can't say anything about that without DH going into a rage. I cannot understand how someone who seemed to care about his child so much in the first year she was alive, can just drop us like hot potatoes now without so much as a blink.

Everything, according to DH, is my fault. A common phrase he says to me is, "I used to be good to you. I used to hold open doors for you and all that. But you ruined all that. You messed it up."

So, here I am, a single parent again. Like dealing with one deadbeat dad who hasn't paid child support in 12 years wasn't enough. Now I have 2 children for a man who doesn't or refuses to work. My life feels so hard.

[For little Elza]

Why does this all seem so hard?

[2girls]

I wish I had a magic wand to make things better for you and your kids right now.
You are obviously a very strong person and you have made the right choices for you and your kids. You are doing the best with what you have, and I think you are doing a fabulous job.
I am sorry that your DH is such a jerk. Someday he will regret that he wasted his time the way he did and neglected to spend it with his kids. You on the other hand will never have that regret.
Chin up, you are a great mom and a great person for doing all that you do.

[JeanLynn81]

Sweetie it is just simply his loss. If you don't calm down and accept it at that, you're gonna be a wreck for a long time. I have been a single mom pretty much since my daughter was born. Her father hasn't seen her, oh, I'd say its been well over a year. He won't work, and he'd rather be a bum the rest of his life, and not be a vital part in rasing his child. HIS LOSS! I get the love, and the satisfaction of knowing I am loved in return. He'll be alone the rest of his life. And when he figures out life's greatest lesson-that family is all that matters, and your children are your legacy-well, then it'll be too late. But he is grown enough now to realize that, and if he doesn't-his loss. He wants everyone to boohoo him. Well he's not a child anymore.

I wish I could hug you right now. I know its hard to be a single mom. If you EVER want to talk, know that I am here and going through the same thing.

[onedayatatime]

and that's a good thing. Also sounds like you are lonely, and that's normal. Got a girlfriend to talk to (maybe she's divorced and not bitter?) It's a slow process, I've been separated since summer of 2008. I cried, was lonely, wanted him back.

Now? I'm so relieved that he's gone. The roller coaster of rage is gone. I no longer accept his blame, criticism, angry outbursts, and ridicule. And I am so Happy

You'll get to happy. Take baby steps, along with your little one. Focus on the accomplishments you make each day. Find the good in yourself and your baby, and eventually everywhere. You can so do this!

[For little Elza]

Thanks onedayatatime, I just read this and needed to hear it.