[SoThisIsIt]

Here is my dilemma. My husband and I have been married 8 years... and have essentially become room-mates. He is a good, decent man who provides a nice living for me and our 6 yr. old daughter. The problem is we never have sex... Like maybe once every 3-6 months. I am really getting tired of his lack of libido and his habit of going to bed every night by 8:30 pm. (I get the 6 yr. old to bed by 8pm!) We rarely have any conversation, but we do talk... (and of course argue...) He is in his mid-50's and I in my mid-40's. We are considered an "attractive couple" as neither of us is overweight, bad hygene or anything off-putting like that. However, I feel like we have just grown apart ... my daughter and I even vacation without him at our lake house on and off for most of the summer. I have told him for 3 years I want counseling... I've told him I want a seperation... He ALWAYS says he dosnt want to end the relationship and he will "try harder"... But nothing really happens. I feel like a "spectator" in life... like I am in this marriage... but it isn't even much of a relationship... There isn't any sex or emotional gratification. (He isn't a BAD person or abusive...just indifferent. ).... (He definately is NOT having an affair either)... BUT...Lately I find myself starting to look at other men and contemplating having an affair should the occasion ever arise... as I am beginning to feel like WHY NOT??? (I have a job that involves travel... and the occasion does presents itself from time to time...) I am so disgusted with everything...This has been going on for at least 4 years!!! NOW I have become "ailenated" with my feelings and no longer find him attractive so I don't care IF we have sex either anymore...It's like I have given up and neither of us cares. So I don't try to initiate anything either... I know its pathetic...We co-habitate... I have tried talking... Asked to go to counseling... threatened divorce and it seems like nothing changes. My big dilemma is what do you do?? Do I say "I'm DONE" and get a divorce?...Do I demand counseling and drag him there... (He really dosn't see much of a problem... he never complains about status quo) He isn't a BAD person so I would not want to end the relationship on bad terms... We just seem to be completely disconnected to each other. I struggle with this Divorce Dilemma for my 6 yr old.. Am I being selfish?? I am not thrilled with the prospect of being a "single parent" either so I am at a stage where I am "paralyzed into inaction"... I am plagued with thoughts like...I'm not happy...I don't want to live a lie...You only live once... OMG in 5 years I will be 50.. so I better find someone while I'm still fairly young and attractive! etc... I DO want to find a relationship with someone who makes me laugh... who enjoys sex... who isn't in bed by 8:30... I think this marriage is SO not normal. Am I terrible to consider moving on due to lack of physical and emotional gratification? Then there is the proverbial question... "Will you ever find a decent, good provider / family man like your husband??...Or will it be just a string of men who only want sex... and no relationship?? (That is what scares me about being a single parent)... Be careful for what you ask for.!!...Any thoughts are appreciated... This seems so Lame... How do we find ourselves in these situations?

[mcmama]

Has your husband seen a doctor? Stuff happens at 50. Happens at 40 too.

My ex was in bed before the kids. I know what you mean. He had a lot of issues. One was that he was a very repressed homosexual, but that may not be what is going on with your husband. Other issues included personality disorders, depression, narcissism. And very deep deep anger.

There is a reason why your husband is fizzling like this. Could be depressed, angry, etc - could be a physical thing with hormones and all.

You're not terrible for wanting to move on. Just be aware that there isn't a lot out there in our 40s for wanting to move on to with a guy who doesn't have a lot of other issues. If you end the marriage, do so because the marriage is over, not because you think things might be better elsewhere.

When they are in bed before the kids, there is a lot we miss out on besides sex. Adult companionship is a big one. Especially after the kids are in bed, that is something I know my parents treasured in their marriage. I always found that if I pressured my ex to stay up, or tried to talk to him in bed, he would get very angry and accuse me of sabotaging his very important job, health, etc, or trying to change him. If your husband does not understand why adult companionship outside of bed is important to you, then he has a lot of problems.

[sahmom629]

Hi - I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but you might check out the website link removed due to repeated site promotion. Against our Terms of use - it has a message board with people in similar situations.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Maybe it is time that just you and DH spent a long weekend away somewhere romantic.

Next thought: marriage counseling.

Wishing you all the best.

[beth]

Hi
My first question would be: has it always been like this? What was it like when you first met? If it is significantly different now, then something has caused this change and you owe it to yourelf and your marrige to investigate before considering divorce.
Your threats of getting a divorce are falling on deaf ears. He is not "trying harder" at all. Have you had personal counseling yourself over the issue in order to determine what you want out of the relationship? For instance, if you started having sex once a week would that be enough to keep you happy? If you had a night together courtesy of a baby sitter once a fortnight would that make you love him more?
It is not healthy for your daughter to go on vacations with you alone and she is old enough to pick up on the lack of affection between you two. However, I am most interested in whether he has changed during your relationship. Your husband certainly is not a narcissitist as you would be complaining about other issues but there may be physical or emotional problems present. Does your husband have difficulties showing affection in general?
You might like to consider personal counseling to sort out what it is that you want from the relationship and how to handle where to go from here. No, you cannot drag him along to counseling but it sounds like you need to assess where you are, and go from there. Best wishes, Beth

Originally Posted by SoThisIsIt

Here is my dilemma. My husband and I have been married 8 years... and have essentially become room-mates. He is a good, decent man who provides a nice living for me and our 6 yr. old daughter. The problem is we never have sex... Like maybe once every 3-6 months. I am really getting tired of his lack of libido and his habit of going to bed every night by 8:30 pm. (I get the 6 yr. old to bed by 8pm!) We rarely have any conversation, but we do talk... (and of course argue...) He is in his mid-50's and I in my mid-40's. We are considered an "attractive couple" as neither of us is overweight, bad hygene or anything off-putting like that. However, I feel like we have just grown apart ... my daughter and I even vacation without him at our lake house on and off for most of the summer. I have told him for 3 years I want counseling... I've told him I want a seperation... He ALWAYS says he dosnt want to end the relationship and he will "try harder"... But nothing really happens. I feel like a "spectator" in life... like I am in this marriage... but it isn't even much of a relationship... There isn't any sex or emotional gratification. (He isn't a BAD person or abusive...just indifferent. ).... (He definately is NOT having an affair either)... BUT...Lately I find myself starting to look at other men and contemplating having an affair should the occasion ever arise... as I am beginning to feel like WHY NOT??? (I have a job that involves travel... and the occasion does presents itself from time to time...) I am so disgusted with everything...This has been going on for at least 4 years!!! NOW I have become "ailenated" with my feelings and no longer find him attractive so I don't care IF we have sex either anymore...It's like I have given up and neither of us cares. So I don't try to initiate anything either... I know its pathetic...We co-habitate... I have tried talking... Asked to go to counseling... threatened divorce and it seems like nothing changes. My big dilemma is what do you do?? Do I say "I'm DONE" and get a divorce?...Do I demand counseling and drag him there... (He really dosn't see much of a problem... he never complains about status quo) He isn't a BAD person so I would not want to end the relationship on bad terms... We just seem to be completely disconnected to each other. I struggle with this Divorce Dilemma for my 6 yr old.. Am I being selfish?? I am not thrilled with the prospect of being a "single parent" either so I am at a stage where I am "paralyzed into inaction"... I am plagued with thoughts like...I'm not happy...I don't want to live a lie...You only live once... OMG in 5 years I will be 50.. so I better find someone while I'm still fairly young and attractive! etc... I DO want to find a relationship with someone who makes me laugh... who enjoys sex... who isn't in bed by 8:30... I think this marriage is SO not normal. Am I terrible to consider moving on due to lack of physical and emotional gratification? Then there is the proverbial question... "Will you ever find a decent, good provider / family man like your husband??...Or will it be just a string of men who only want sex... and no relationship?? (That is what scares me about being a single parent)... Be careful for what you ask for.!!...Any thoughts are appreciated... This seems so Lame... How do we find ourselves in these situations?

[SoThisIsIt]

Thanks for your suggestions... I think he has emotional / closeness issues... and HE really needs therapy... It is as if he is only capable of being petty and argumentative... MY problem is vacillating between wanting to RUN away... and thinking Noooo... it will be too much of a disruption for our child. I think he is depressed and angry ...(But I'm the one being prescribed anti-depressents)... But I think it is partly because I have entirely pulled away and said some things over the past 3-4 years as our relationship has gone down the tubes... it is really like we are not even on the same TEAM... I say "I dont want to live like this anymore!!" He agrees... but neither of us persues a divorce...It passes over and we just continue on doing our own thing.... I really need to understand he is NOT going to change (His family and friends say he was always like this...) And I just need to make plans to move on. Guess I am too optimistic... and dreading the upheaval...

[Elizabeth_Kane949]

It sounds like the two of you have really grown apart. Have you considered that he has a lower sex drive then you? Have you talked about it? We are all sexual creatures. Wanting sex is nothing to be ashamed of. Most couples find this topic of conversation however a difficult one. I see this often in my business. My first suggestion: Be honest, tell him how you feel and tell him what you are missing. You deserve for him to care enough about you and about the marriage as does he. All you can control is yourself. If you make every attempt to "fix" your marriage but your partner is not willing then there is little you can do. You deserve a life of happiness and fullfillment. I am not saying leave your husband. What I am saying is that the first step is to bring it up openly and honestly. 2nd step encourage counseling, if he wont go with you, go alone. 3rd step begin to take action steps towards the happy and satisfying life you are craving. We have one life, one life to live passionately and love and be loved. Living authentically sometimes takes a back seat to duty and obligation. Search your heart and you will know what you need to do to get through this.

[mcmama]

Gotta tell you Elizabeth, two things stand out about what you said - one is about lower sex drive - if her husband's is as low as my ex was, there are problems, big ones, that are beyond her ability to fix.

The second thing is about living an authentic life. And that is the choice - we kind of go in these ruts, but having the courage to name the problem and address it is really important. But it does take two people to do that in a marriage. Sounds like he's not there. Meantime, there is a life that is hers that she is not living.

Counseling is an important step - for one or both - lots of decisions to make.

[justmeagain]

How are you certain he is not having an affair?

I'll share my story. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have a 7 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. Over the past 4 years our marriage slowly went downhill. We started arguing alot, spending little time together, the stress of school, work, etc was completely overwhelming. Our sex life was practically nothing, maybe every 1-2 months. In January of this year I decided I wanted a divorce. I was just unhappy, tried of feeling unappreciated, tired of trying, tired of being tired. We decided to give one more try at counselling, but truely only to say we did, I fully intended to contact an attorney the next week. We went to a 3 day, very intensive interactive workshop for those specifically in the process of divorce, separated, or considering divorce. It changed our lives. For the first time we were forced to face issues in our marriage and learned some tools for effective communication. We both made a commitment to really give our relationship a new try and things started to improve. Now jump ahead to 2 weeks later. Our very first assignment after returning home was to go back through the work book we had completed during the workshop, but much slower, over 8 weeks. We chose a mentor couple, someone who was really strong in their marriage, to help us through the next step in this process. We met with them every week and we both, as couples, had homework that we did during the week and some honest conversation about our week with each other. During our second session, the one where we talked about honesty with our feelings, with our needs, my husband told me that he been involved in an affair. Multiple affairs actually, going back almost 7 years. I was devistated, completely shocked, humiliated, I couldn't breathe...there is no way to describe the physical reaction you have to something like that unless you've been there. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. If you had asked me if my husband had ever been unfaithful in our relationship, even as bad as things were, I would have honestly stated No way...Never. I didn't even see it and I was right in the middle of it. We are slowly working our way through counselling, we go separately and just recently started going together as well. There are days that I still can't breathe, there are many, many days where I doubt myself as a wife, a woman, a mother.

I don't share to scare you, or make you doubt your relationship. But you need to do something now. Even if that means going to counseling on your own. Don't have an affair, it will damage you and your relationship in ways that you can't even imagine. In order for my husband to be able to even tell me about the affairs, and he didn't have to, I don't think I would have ever known, we had to develop some type of safe ground in our marriage. For me that meant I had to stop attacking everything he said, leave my negativity and hatefulness out of our conversations, and validate his feelings. It was only then that he felt safe enough to tell me the things he knew would hurt me but that I needed to know. Any time I start doing or saying those negative things, our communication shuts down and I never want to go back there again. Does that mean I can't be honest and angry and hurt? Absolutely not but I have to learn how to express myself fairly and without being critical and judgemental. And he has to understand and accept my feelings are my feelings and whether he likes them or not, they are what they are.

Do something now, don't wait,
Suzanne

[emilye]

Wishing you all the best. You are in my prayers