[homebuilding]

Dear So......
I am so sorry to hear of your pain..... For all readers, it is the pain of which, perhaps men suffer more commonly.
Some here have appealed to "counseling." but I would suggest that the majority of counselors couldn't give you a list of the most common ways that relationships detiorate or give you a list of the best ways to ameliorate the problems and rebuild love.
I REPEAT--COUPLE COUNSELING IS THE LOWEST RATED OF ALL COUNSELING BY THOSE THAT HAVE BEEN SUBJECT TO IT.
You can have free access to a w e b si te that deals specifically with low libido of on or the other partner. divorce busting dot com This lady has a recent book out on the specific problem of MEN having the lower drive.
I have met this lady a few times at national conferences--read at smart marriages . com This is both a secular and faith friendly place Perhaps your husband would like a book by Love , Pat , a woman who is really quite man-friendly and knows better than most how we "tick." Neither are afflicted by what is increasingly known as "resentment feminism," ...well the term isn't too difficult to figure out.
It's really helped me to know of this stuff....and to know that there is a core group of folks that
The divorce option is very expensive--lawyers are getting rich on this epidemic--and despite common knowledge--the average kids of divorce do dramatically worse in school (No, I did not say that ALL do worse.) The psychic pain is very high--especially if one does not check out the best (the above resources are free--at least to start with--no registration on the sites, even)
Good Luck
Homebuilding

[Samual]

I believe that most relationships can be brought back from the brink, but for that to happen, both people need to admit what they are doing to themselves and to each other and correct what they are doing.
You cannot stay with someone for your children, as ultimately the children would suffer under that decision, yes they would during a divorce, but they would no longer be in an unhappy tense household.
Sex isn't important in a relationship for alot of people, if someone doesn't want to have sex, you can't force them. Not only that in a relationship it should be more than sex.
You have to stop backing down, if he refuses to acknowledge you and tell you his half, then he needs to know, hes out if that is your wish.

[Elizabeth_Kane949]

As a Marriage and Family Therapist-I , I can tell you that counseling can work if there are two willing participants. The problem is when one spouse is dragging the other to therapy and they really have no interest in attending in the first place.
Best of luck to you.

[mcmama]

Thank you Elizabeth. It works when there are two willing participants.

When one particpant wants out and the other doesn't and uses counseling as a means to keep the other in a marriage against their will or better interests, then it won't "work" - because counseling is not best used as a tool of dominance and oppression. Also, you cannot force your will on another, even if you think it is for the best, or to (as my ex husband used to say) "save our marriage". Common experience can tell anyone that. Marriage takes two, and if marraiges are to be saved, the two must be in dialogue, not monologue. Counseling facilitates this.

The whole "fight flight" scenario that Ms Love espouses may fit for some, but not for all. Counseling can work when abuse is involved, but only if the abuser truly wants to change and is capable of listening as well as talking (and snorting, retorting, heavy sighing, passive aggressive yes dearing.....)

A lot of people have found the mars venus books of John Grey to be helpful. Well, I guess they are. But they were used as tools of oppression at the end of my marriage to put it all on me that I just didn't understand men. Since my ex was very masterful at research and quoting experts, he managed to con one therapist into believing that I needed to understand men.

My ex is gay. And closeted. It was very important for him to believe for himself and convince others that the real problem was that I didn't understand men.

So no, counseling did not work for us.

And as I emerged from his closet, and sought to protect my children from his bad choices of company (not decent gay men, but predators) he made real sure that counseling on all levels would not work as he would not participate once we got to the real problems of deception and abuse.

Some homes are better "built" by single divorced parents.

As for the OP - her needs are clearly not being met in this marriage - that necessitates talking, intervention, and honesty about whatever is bugging her husband. Could be a physical issue underlying it all.

Marriage is about sharing. Shutting down like the OP mentioned is not sharing. Takes two, not just one person reacting and leaving the other to wonder what is really going on.

[mcmama]

Oh, BTW...about kids and school and all those kids who are doomed to failure by the divorce of their parents....

My son stopped cutting himself and went completely off his meds AFTER our divorce was final and the oppressive joint physical custody schedule was overturned. He finally got some empowerment in knowing that he lived in ONE stable household (mine) and visited his father as frequently as he wanted (which was a lot)

Both my children resumed their place on the schools honor roll, again AFTER the divorce was final and the oppressive joint physical custody arrangement was overturned.

Children do well in STABLE households. Some households are more stable after divorce, because life does not center around one persons drama (or being quiet because daddy is sleeping at a ridiculously early hour)

[beth]

Yes, you definitely need two willing partners to make both a successful marriage and a successful reconciliation. A therapist is only as good as their clients allow them to be!

Beth

[chio88]

Sounds like you really want out of the relationship...I agree with Angie, try to rekindle the romance and get some counseling.

[jmmv08]

I think going to counseling is a great idea as long as you are both willing. I wish you all the best.