[Seawhillow]

Hello everyone. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My ex-husband, 8 years ago, filed for divorce, got about $20,000 from his parents and took my children promising to hand over custody to me once I was "on my feet". Well, about one month later I had met all of his demands and asked for my children. Unfortunately, he changed his mind and three months later was living with someone else. Well, like I said, that was 8 years ago and every time I tried to regain custody, with my having been single and in the military, the courts thought it best for my daughters to stay with him since he was already re-established in a secure relationship.
My daughters have been calling his wife mom for years now and even though I hate it, I'm living with it. At first, they were told to call her mom because she was confused about who they were talking about. Now, my ex-husband says that no one makes them and my oldest has expressly told me that she will call whoever she wants whatever she wants and no one can stop her. Also, it seems that my ex-husband and his wife talk about me or something in not-so-flattery ways because my daughters, my oldest especially, talks to me like I'm dirt. I have bent over backwards to be close to them by travelling to where my ex-husband is (he's in the military as well) for years until he requested orders to Germany and fortunately they have recently come back to the US. I have called them every single day regardless of where they were for the past 8 years to try to keep a relationship with them; however, everything I say to them is either stupid or worthy of running back to their father and 'mom' sharing what I've said. For instance, I was talking to my daughter on the phone tonight, the only time I get to spend with them since they live so far away and I hear their step-mom in the background telling her that she needs to get off of the phone. So, I ask her if I need to speak with Lori to talk to my daughter. She says with a disrepectful attitude that she'll call me later.
About three minutes later the step-mom calls me cursing saying that I was rude talking to 'our' daughter that way. Well, I explained that she is not their mom, she started cursing at me so I hung up the phone. Then, when I asked my daughter why she felt it necessary to tell what I said she said that I was rude. I explained that she needed to speak to me with respect and she said the following:

Oh my gosh, whatever. You know what i mean. Like, why should i not tell her? I think its important to tell mom what i dont like to hear. Even if you think it wasn't rude, i did. Nothing really can hurt my feelings. Its just somethings i think some people need to hear.

I realize this post is massive, and I apologize for that -- I just really, really need some advice. I'm at my witts end and I don't know what to do. I feel this relationship, or potential relationship, slipping away and there's nothing that I can do about it. I feel like everyone who could have anything to do with this relationship flourishing could care less and well, here lately, I wonder why I'm still trying.