[brieanniepannie]

The first time I didn't know I was pregnant until it was too late. This time I knew. I had three positive pregnancy tests. I stupidly opened my mouth to everyone that would listen. I was thrilled, but I jinxed myself.
Everything was great. I was happy that I was feeling sick, I was happy that my bbs hurt, I was happy I was tired. It didn't matter, I was PREGNANT again. Could this have been my little girl?
Then yesterday afternoon I started to bleed. I knew immediately what it was. I couldn't stop crying. I was praying it was just a little tear or something. But no it got worse and worse. I went to the E.R., hoping they would tell me it was decidual bleeding or something. ANYTHING except what I thought it was.
They ran blood tests, pelvic exams, ultrasounds... my bloodtests had an hcg level of 2. That's it. 2. My tummy was empty where my new baby once had been.
I lost this baby at 5 weeks. About the same time I lost my last one.
My heart aches so badly. I cried all day yesterday. Everything is making me cry today. I feel like a part of me died yesterday, because it did. I feel so much paid I can't even describe it.
People are giving me their prayers, and I appreciate that. Others are trying to say that maybe it wasn't meant to be, etc. etc. I wish they would just stop. I know God would not give me anything I can't handle. But this... I just don't understand how He could take something from me like this? sure, I only got to bond with the baby for 5 weeks. Well, technically one and a half since thats when I knew I was pregnant, but that's not the point.
I am questioning everything right now.
I had to miss work today. People think I'm overreacting to this, and I cant say anything back. It's a pain that I just can't put into words.
Thank God I have my son to get me through this. I need to remind myself how truly blessed I am to have him. He really is my everything, even more so now.
Right now I have two angels watching over me from heaven... and I hope to keep it at two. I don't think I can go through this again.