[Jokat]

Hi there,
First off, I'm new to this forum and finding that I'm not feeling so alone suddenly. I never realized there were forums for this kind of thing. I've been sitting here at my computer going through a dog forum I'm a member of and watching my husband get loaded on the couch next too me! Ya' sounds bad. Being on that forum made me think "hey maybe there's a forum or something about this stuff". Then I gooled it and found this forum.
To my story. My husband of 4 years (been together 5) is an alcoholic. And he's no closet alcoholic either. He's actually proud of his drinking and doesn't ever attempt to hide it.
You'd have to live here to know that it's a pretty common affliction in our area. Most of his family and a good majority of our friends are the same why!
I had just come out of a long term relationship when we met. I have a son to a different marriage who lives with us. We moved in together soon after. He is not someone I just met though. I've known him for years. We live in a small community and mostly everyone knows everyone else. I had heard stories about him but nothing very serious. People around here tend to exaggerate alot so I tend to ignore the gossip and draw my own conclusions about people. Someone once made the comment to me "hey don't ever let him drive your car eh!" then everyone laughed but no one actually told me why that was so funny. I came to find out in time that my husband had smashed 3 cars and a skidoo while drinking!
A little background on my husband. His name is John he's the youngest in a family of 5 children. All girls except him. His mother was actually 41 years old when he was born so my in laws are much older. Almost as old as my grandparents! John is 6 years older than I. I'm 27 and he's 33. I must also mention that his parents were both heavy drinkers in their younger days. His dad is still somewhat of an alcoholic. He hides it well though. His mom stopped due to health issues. He also has 2 sisters who are alcoholics and one of them is married to a man who's also an alcoholic. John's cousin, who is also a very close friend of ours is just as bad or worse than he is.
For I'd say the first year he didn't do much drinking. At least nothing I would get upset about. Weekend drinking at party or outing. We started trying to have children shortly after we got together as I have major fertility issues so we knew it may take alot of time before I got pregnant. I was on all sorts of fertility drugs at that time. Then I got pregnant. We were so excited! But I miscarried at around 11 weeks. That's when things started getting bad. After that John started drinking a bit more. It started with a 12pk on a weekend and quickly got to a 12pk a day! From what I've learned over the last few years is he'd been drinking like that for years. Since around age 15 or 16. He would actually go out drinking with his older sister who would buy the liquor for him.
John also has a blood condition. He gets severe nose bleeds from this. The drinking of course, makes these nose bleeds 10 times worse! The other serious effect of the drinking is that he pisses himself. Not everytime but about half the time I'd say. It's awful! He'll drink about 8 beers then you start to notice him getting sluggish and he starts to stumble when he walks. When he gets on the 11th or 12th then he either passes out or he gets nasty with me. I mean, he'll get really angry and start talking nonsense. I'll say something and he'll start talking about something totally different! He's even pushed me around a few times. I'm no lightweight but he's bigger than I am so it's not hard for him to knock me down when he gets going.
Through all this stuff I've had one good friend who's stayed by my side and supported me through probably every rough patch I've ever had. He just so happens to be male. We are the same age, graduated together. His name is Ryan. He's my bestest friend in the world. He's also been friends with my husband for over 15 years. They were neighbors growing up. Ryan was also friends with my ex and supported me and my son through a terrible break up.
Something else I should mention is that my husband and I have absolutely zero sex life. Mostly due to the drinking since he's drunk most nights. He works 12 hour days (never ever drinks on the job) he only starts when he comes home at 6pm. He only gets every second weekend off and that's just one big drunk to him. It's not that I've ever withheld sex either. He just doesn't ask or let me know if he's interested or he gets so drunk that he passes out.
So, for the last 4 years I've been trying to hold our marriage together. His mother hates me. Not really sure why she origionally hated me for even. She's a very vindictive person. She wears the pants in their family. In the summer of '06 I finally thought we'd get a second chance at our relationship. I became pregnant. I worked my butt off to keep up with the fertility drugs and finally gave up in april (had a hard time getting John to perform for that!) then BAM on he July first weekend I found out I was expecting!
Now comes the complicated part! And please don't critisize me over this! Somewhere along the way Ryan and I became more than just friends...it started quite innocently actually. Before I started dating John, Ryan and I hooked up a few times. But he lives with his mom, who's not well, and we never really got serious about it cause he thought he couldn't give me what he thought my son and I deserved in life. He's the most kind and caring man I've ever known. He wanted better for me cause he knew he felt this responsibility to help his mom. He lives with her and helps pay for everything. She can't drive and we live a long ways from town so he's her only means of transportation. I'm only going into details about this because I want everyone to understand what we're like.
Ryan and I slept together a total of one time during John and I's relationship/marriage. We both knew it was wrong but things were terrible at my home and things got carried away one day. Terrible timing! I knew my cycles like clockwork from all the time spent charting ovulation and everything else while on the fertility stuff. I had my menstrual cycle the first week of June then two weeks later Ryan and I were together. I knew the moment I found out that there was a major possiblility that I could be pregnant with his child and not Johns.
I felt like the worst person on the planet. As soon as I tested and got a positive I went straight to Ryan's house to talk to him. I told him I was pregnant and that there was a very good chance the baby was his. He started crying. I felt like crawling in a hole to die at that point. We hugged and talked and came to the decision to let things be since he wanted me to fix my marriage. He knew John and I both wanted children terribly and I think he really wanted to believe the baby could be John's. But me being the guilt ridden person I am I went home that night and when John and I went to bed (he actually only had 6 beers that night) I told him everything! I cried like I'd never cried before but I also gave him the whole truth and told him that if he wanted to leave then I wouldn't stop him. I didn't want him to feel bad and stay. But John said he wasn't leaving. He wanted this baby as much as I did. He said he didn't care that it could be Ryan's. For the rest of my pregnancy things turned around. He stopped drinking almost completely. Back to the weekend 12pk. I couldn't have been happier. But in the back of my mind I continued to wonder if my intuiton was right and the baby I was carrying was Ryan's. John assured me on dozens of occasions that he loved the baby regardless and that he was extremely happy.
I had my daughter in February of '07. We named her Kyna. John was ther for everything. I thought our life couldn't get any better.
But then the third night I was in the hospital John decided not to stay with me because a friend of ours invited him over to watch the Nascar Daytona 500 and have supper with him and his wife. That night it started all over. I called John at our friends home only to find out he was really really drunk. He could hardly speak to me on the phone. The he said he was going home and he'd call when he got there. 15 minutes passed and no word from him. Our house is like 2 minutes from our friends house. So, I called home. No answer. Called again a few minutes later and no answer. Then I began to worry. I had no way of knowing where he was or what was going on. After spending half the night trying to reach him he finally answered. Then I knew he'd got home fine but passed out cold on the couch and didn't even hear the phone ring! I cried then. Told him how hurt I was and that I wanted him to stay the way he'd been for months. That I loved him and wanted our marriage to work. He promised me that's what would happen. It didn't... We found out on our own over the course of our daughters first 9 months that she was in fact Ryan's but John always insisted he didn't care.
It's been a year now and he's worse than ever. At christmas he gave me a black eye one night when he stumbled across the room began to fall and I got in the way. I went to Ryan's that night. The kids were both at my mom's for the night. I have to mention that Ryan's mom is like a second mom to me. I've known her since I was 13 and she was considered as much my mom as his. The next morning I went home only to find John still drinking. It was a major binge. But once he sobered up some we talked. I got mad. I asked him if he'd get help. He thinks I'm crazy, that he doesn't have a drinking problem. He makes excuses for all the smashed up vehicles in his past. He aslo denys putting his fist through the window of our truck one night last summer because I wouldn't let him drive home. He argued he wasn't drunk even though he could hardly stand up!
Ryan and I have started growing even closer. Yes we do have an intimate relationship as I have none at home. He and his mom openly accept my daughter as theirs. We don't hid it. Not many outsiders know but it's slowly getting around. Some people in our neighborhood think it's scandalous but these are the same people who have similar skeleton's in their closets! John talks about it as if it's just a normal thing and so do we.
But the drinking is getting to a point where I'm wondering what we're doing living like this. We certainly aren't happy. He refuses to admit he's an alcoholic and accept some form of help. And I openly admit here and now that yes I am in fact in love with another man. I've loved Ryan for years. Even before my ex and I got together. We have a relationship not many people understand. I can tell him anything and vice versa. We have this uncanny way of knowing when the other is upset with just a simple look. We truely love one another and there's never ever been anyone else in his life. He slept with a few girls just after high school but it was more like casual sex, nothing more. He's been completely faithful to me, a married woman. Pobably his two best friends in the world are John and myself. Yes, he and John are still friends. As good as ever the way they talk. It's very strange for people who dont' know us.
My questions now are:
Do I end this marriage and be happy?
Do I end my relationship with Ryan and try and fix my marriage?
I feel guilty for everything that's happened. I know John's drinking addiction is not because of the baby or Ryan or myself. This is a long standing problem in his life. It's been going on for years before I was ever in the picture. But I still feel a resposiblility to my marriage. Is that weird??
Any suggestions would be very welcome. Hearing stuff from outsiders makes you look at things from a completely different angle. I know this is long and I also realize how complicated it all is. I just really need to know if there is anyone else out there in a similar situation. Has anyone who lives with an addict of any sort ever strayed from their relationship? As anyone ever gotten this deep into a relationship with an alcoholic and actually had things turn around for the good?
I love John too. Maybe not in the same way I love Ryan but I do love him. I want to see him get better. I truely do. I'd help him if I could get him to want that help but am I doing the wrong thing by staying? or by going?
Please help!

[mcmama]

I asked this in the other thread you posted in - have you been to Al anon? this is for families of alcoholics. I had a neighbor whose husband drank - she loved him very much, and this helped her learn to cope and set her own limits. Eventually, he went to AA and got help.

[JeanLynn81]

If I were in your shoes, the biggest concern on my mind would be, "how is this going to affect my daughter in the long run?"

Do you want her to grow up, and find a guy who treats her this way, because she thinks its normal?

If leaving an abusive relationship is too much to do for yourself, do it for your child. That would be my deciding factor!

Good luck though and 's to you!

[2BoysMomma]

I would like to agree, if you don't leave for you, do it for your kids. My husband and I had to have a heart to heart that ended with the ultimatum that he could quit drinking so much or I could take our son and leave. My decision was made when my son's daycare teacher told me every time they drank apple juice he announced that he was drinking beer. My husband never got abusive when drunk but it took a while to realize the emotional abuse that my son and I were experiencing. Daddy never wanted to go out and play or do anything, just sit on the couch and drink after work. My husband did quit drinking so much though he hasn't stopped completely, but where he was drinking a 6pack or more a day, now he drinks a 6 pack a week. We are expecting our second son, and I am expecting things to be a whole lot better because he has made the decision to change his habbits and be a dad and husband.

Unfortunately, I know not all situations can be like this, and I can encourage you to go to an Al anon meeting (the first one is the hardest) because they are able to help. Talking to your doctor, nurse or even your child's pediatrician can put you in the right direction. You have already taken the first step, and that is voicing that you know there is a problem and want to remove yourself from the situation.

[Jokat]

Hi everyone and thank you so much for understanding. I was a bit scared at first that if I posted my story and told you all everything truthfully that I'd be critisized and ridiculed for my infidelity. The funny thing is there was a point I felt extremely guilty for it since I had come out of another relationship where my fiance cheated on me. I hated him for that and it made me feel like s*** for doing the same. But then after my daughter was born and I wasn't even out of the hospital yet and found out he was drinking like that again all that guilt just melted away. I know it's wrong and I'd never encourage someone to cheat on their partner but if any of you knew me personally, then you'd understand that my situation is very different from your average affair. This is someone who's been my rock when no one else wanted me. We never planned for it to happen at all. Didn't even think of it. We had been out the night before, my husband included with a bunch of friends. My husband got extremely drunk and when I decided it was time to go home he got angry and yelled and yelled till we were half way home. Ryan called me that night to make sure I made it home ok and to make sure John was alright too. The next morning I got up and was going to go to town but I realized I'd forgotten my sunglasses in the back of Ryan's 4 wheeler so I went down to his house to get them. His parents van was gone but I went in thinking maybe his brother was away and that his mom may be home. (at that time his father and brother were still here. They went away to work shortly after I got pregnant) I went in and said Hello and Ryan said I'm on the computer. So I went up to the computer room to tell him I was just getting my sunglasses and leaving for town. We go to talking of course about John and the drinking and I started crying and one thing led to another. I left that day with this terrible gut feeling that something wasn't right. It's strange but it's like I almost knew I'd gotten pregnant from that one time. Even though I'd slept with my husband a few days earlier, I was convinced it wasn't his. But then when things changed when we found out I was expecting I thought maybe things could really get better and my husband and I could have a real relationship for the first time in 2 years. I was so wrong!
As for AA meetings of any kind. I'm not real sure where I'd have to travel to get to one. We live about 30 miles from the nearest town and town is small! It's an everyone knows pretty much everyone else kind of place. There are only about 12,000 people total in town. My community I live in is actually 6 small communities stretched out over roughly 50 miles we refer to it as "Downshore". We live along the shore of a Bay and almost everyone down here is either a farmer or a fisherman. Those who aren't work in the Mines just outside of town. It's a very lightly populated area to say the least!
I will ask though because no matter what happens, divorce or not, I feel this need to try and help. I love my husband, but I'm no longer in love with him. We've been through alot in a short time and I don't want to see him hurt himself or anyone else due to the drinking. I'm scared he'll go out and get in an accident someday when he's drunk. Everyone down here who drinks drives around as if it doesn't matter. There have even been some very very serious accidents and injuries and even deaths due to alcohol but it never seems to make anyone realize how serious that is!