[khanna]

My daughter "Sue" and her boyfriend "John" are in college and have been living together for 1-1/2 yrs. They live about 400 miles away. John seems like a nice guy, but we still barely know him. He has a very low self-esteem and does not lend much of himself in interacting with our family. Although we have always been kind, welcomed each other into our respective homes, he is often withdrawn and solitary. Sue says when they graduate in 2 yrs they plan on getting married. However, there has been no proposal or engagement ring. In the meantime, she strongly insists that we treat him as a part of the family. ie pay his airfare when we pay for hers to come home and include him in an upcoming family portrait.
My daughter is increasing upset that we do not coddle him and take continued initiative to try to draw him out of his shell. She says it took her years to get him to completely trust her and we need to continue to work on him. It's sad for me to think that she has had to work so hard to develop this relationship.
I think it's the old fashion value that I feel... if he wants to marry my daughter, that he should also have to make some effort. Talk is cheap. He should propose, get an engagement ring (cost doesn't matter) and make an effort to participate with our family. Not just expect that we treat him the same way and do the same things for him that we do for our daughter. AM I WRONG??