[covenant3]

I'm just going to present the basic facts and ask your opinion about this situation.
A Christian mother is the parent of an only-child Christian son. The son marries a Christian girl that has a child from a previous marriage. She has ADHD and is bi-polar. (I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it or not).The girl gets pregnant and they expect their first child together. The future parents say they love the daughter-in-law and are delighted. The in-laws offer to pay for anything the couple need for their first grandchild. Since there are supplies from the first child, the only need that is mentioned is a $250 collapsable stroller system. The mother-in-law offers to buy if for them and sends a check to the daughter-in-law at about 1 month into the pregnancy.
The in-laws live 700 miles apart, but nothing appeared to have been bought upon 3 visitations. During the 8 months before the baby is born, the future grandparents ask the question if anything new had been bought for the baby about 4 times. "No, I don't really need anything" is the answer given.
The baby is born. No stroller had been bought prior to the arrival nor for 6 months after the birth. Upon inquiring, the daughter-in-law said that the money was put into her sons college education fund. (The 4 yr old son from a previous marriage.) The daughter-in-law says that other things needed to be bought since the baby was born - like formula, diapers and swings etc and feels that it shouldn't make any difference. The son agrees with the wife. The mother-in-law says that the money was given for her new grandchild - not the daughter-in-laws son that was not related to the grandmother at all.
What do you think?

[MommyDee]

I could understand if the money was initially spent in urgency, and the stroller was bought afterwards; the same if a stroller had been given as a gift by someone else, making it no longer necessary to use that money to buy one. But either way, the money should have been used for its intended purpose: the baby, NOT another child's college fund. That's like ripping a gift out of one child's hands to give it to the other. Also, stating that other things were needed after having already said the money was deposited into said fund... well, it sounds like a poor attempt at justification to me. "Closing the barn door after the horses are out" comes to mind...

Personal experience, I was given a gift card for a high chair -- I was then given a high chair, so the gift card went on clothes for the baby instead. When given money specifically intended for a baby monitor, it was spent on a baby monitor.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Congratulations on your new grandbaby and for gaining a new 4 yo step-grandchild too!

After reading this story twice, I can say with certain that you are not the daughter-in-law or the son in this situation.
That being noted, 14 months have passed since that check for the stroller was sent.
No stroller was ever purchased with those funds for the new grandchild, who is now 6 months old.
The check for $250 went to the step-grandchild for his college fund, which is not what the gift giver had intended.

Do I have this correct so far?

What is the most important thing here? Family harmony or a stroller or a check?

Let this episode become a good lesson to the grandmother/mother-in-law. If she chooses to purchase an item for her grandchild or her stepgrandchild.......pay for postage and have it delivered to their home.

Maybe purchase savings bonds for the future college funds.

You now know what will happen in the future, if you send cash or a check as a gift.

I would be hopeful that when the grandparents visit the son, daughter-in-law and the two little ones, that both the little ones receive equal attention and love.
After all the baby is a half-sibling to the 4 yo child.

It has been now 14 months since the check was sent. My thoughts are to put this
to rest as a lesson learned.

In a quiet room, all alone, say to yourself, "I forgive my son and daughter-in-law."
Do it for your own peace of mind/piece of mind.
Don't call them on the telephone to discuss this further.
Just forgive and forget.

Welcome to the board!

[twinzplus3]

Let this episode become a good lesson to the grandmother/mother-in-law. If she chooses to purchase an item for her grandchild or her stepgrandchild.......pay for postage and have it delivered to their home.

I was going to say the exact same thing. Money that's given for something specifically and is spent on something else is robbing Paul to pay Peter. . .it is their money and although I think it's tacky to spend it on something else other than what it was intended for. . .it's still their money once you've given it to them.

If a gift card was given instead. . .then you could be assured that something was bought for the baby whether or not it was a stroller.

And if you really wanted them to have the stroller. . .pay the postage and have it delivered.

I'm sorry--I'm sure this is a very frustrating situation.

[covenant3]

Very good! So, you figured out I'm the mother-in-law! . However, I must add this for clarification about the college education fund for the son from a previous marriage. One month before she found out she was pregnant, we had been asked not to buy her son any Christmas presents but instead, make a contribution to the college fund that was set up at the time of her divorce. We told her that we enjoyed buying presents for her son and that because of the fact that our son was an only child, they would be receiving all of our assets upon our death which would cover a Harvard education if he wanted it. She knew this was not what we would have wanted.
Also, we do absolutely adore her son. Our son is adopted. We love him just as much as if he were out biological son. Blood means nothing to us.
To us, the important thing here was the deception. When we asked about it 4 times, she was evasive. It would have been totally different if she had said to us, "Gee, I don't think I need the stroller as much as I thought, do you mind if we keep it for other things we may need later on?"
But, we don't believe that it should ever have gone to a college fund after we had said how we intended to contribute to their childrens education. His education is being taken care of by the ex-husband and his mother and her parents.
As a Christian, I couldn't look someone in the eye if I spent money differently than what the reason the giver gave it to me. They have not apologized for the misuse.

[MissyChrissy]

I do not mean to be argumentative here, but I say if you give the gift of cash, it's totally up to the receiver how to spend it. If they literally put that $250 in the college fund, then there was $250 of their own cash they spent on diapers, clothing, formula, etc. See?

I would resent any gift coming with strings. I'd send it back...and make my mil unwelcome. But that's just my opinion.

[mollymae]

On the positive at least it was saved rather then frittered away on day to day expensives. I know you wanted to have said you bought them the stroller but if she didn't need one perhaps she was too embaressed to refuse, so thought to put the money away in her sons account so that when they had the extra expenses of the baby they didn't have to struggle to find the money.

If shes been a single mom then maybe she just got into the habit of being over careful with money. Its hard to get out of the habit of constantly worrying about money and saving for a rainy day.

Please don't be angry with her, it isn't worth the bad feeling.

[twinzplus3]

Covenant3. . .you're right. . .she was deceptive and it is bothersome. I think for me, the issue would be whether or not this is recurring behavior. I think with in-laws it's always more prudent to give the benefit of the doubt. So let's say she just felt awkward being honest about the money and should've said something but didn't. . .I would let it go. Only bc it can really wreck your relationship w/ your gradnchildren.

If this is recurring behavior, I would gently bring it up with your son and go from there. It may still be that you need to let it go and consider it a lesson learned. Good luck to you though.

[covenant3]

Originally Posted by MissyChrissy

...but I say if you give the gift of cash, it's totally up to the receiver how to spend it.
I would resent any gift coming with strings. I'd send it back...and make my mil unwelcome. But that's just my opinion.

MissyChrissy,
We all have different values. To me, a persons word reflects who they are. It was a specific stroller that was in a specific store and for a specific amount that she wanted. There was an agreement between us that that is what was going to be bought with the money. By the way, it is a fool that gives his money freely in advance without knowing what it is to be used for.

[JeanLynn81]

convenant3-First off, welcome to Families.com! I hope you like it here!

I am curious also if this is a reccuring behavior, or is this the first time they have used your money in that way? It is also my opinion that if this is the first or second time this has happened, its better to let it go. You mentioned being a Christian, and it is my belief that the hardest thing a Christian has to learn is how to forgive and leave things in God's hands. If Jesus could forgive us for brutally murdering Him, and persecuting his followers-I think we at least owe it to Him to let the little things go! Just a different perspective for you. If the good Lord has blessed you with more money than you need, in His eyes (and let me clarify, this is what I believe personally) He sees you as the type of person who could put the extra you have to good use. It sounds like your son's new family doesn't have as much as you do, and regardless of how they spent the money it was obviously put to good use. You can't send money to a charity, and get mad when they spend the money on the gas it took to get the truck there, instead of the supplies on the truck. Does that make sense?

Anyways-I agree they were deceitful, and should have been honest. But sometimes, as Christians, we have to learn how to let the small things go so we can learn to let go of the big things.