[LuisaCN]

Ok, my ex (Bob) & I have a two year old, and a decent relationship. We get along fine, and we are even going on vacation together. I have full physical custody, while he spends a lot of time with our son and usually has him overnight once a week.
Here is my question/concern...he is dating a woman (Mary) who has five children (4 from ex-hubby, 1 from ex-boyfriend, aged 2 - 17). The ex-boyfriend is violent. He is a convicted felon (manslaughter), and the last charge was from an assault of Mary in front of my Bob's home. This ex-boyfriend has called me (just to cause trouble) and I just asked him to please not call me. He does call Bob and follows Mary around.
I am not at all happy about the fact that there is potential danger to my son. Mary spends the night at Bob's often (but not when our son is there), and Bob admits she puts him before her kids and is jealous when Bob choses our son over her. My biggest concern is that the crazy ex could do something when he is with Bob.
Before many of you accuse me of being upset, jealous, etc...that is NOT the case. I am seeing someone, I would love it if Bob found a decent woman too. I do want him to be happy, he'll be a better dad if he is.
So, what can I do? I've tried talking to Bob but he thinks because the ex is on probation it's all ok now. He gets defensive and thinks I am being judgemental about Mary whom I have never met. I could care less about her, her kids or if Bob wanted to date a goat, I only care that our son could wind up in the middle of something ugly.
Am I crazy? Paranoid? Over protective? Any thoughts, comments or advice would be appreciated.

[mcmama]

How come you haven't met mary yet? If she is spending time with your child and her relationship with your ex is important, you should meet her. It could be friendly.

I had a problem with someone my ex was seeing - still do. Was accused of jealousy and all that. But I raised enough hell so that my kids were safe. That made everyone super careful over there. It also meant that some folks thought I was this terrible jealous creature who just could not move on and forget about it. But I still have two kids who turned out ok.

My ex is still friends with the person, but my kids are not.

[MissyChrissy]

You're in a really tough position. No matter what, you're going to appear like the jealous ex. I know it's foolish-but that's how people will view it-because that's the easy way-looking at it realistically, they'd have to DO something about it, and who wants that?

I can see exactly why you're so concerned. I'd be scared something would happen too. Just because he's on probation doesn't mean he won't come for a visit.

As "mean" as you might look, I'd put my foot down & not allow my son over there while she's there. Especially considering she doesn't want his father paying attention to him. Tell your ex, "You can focus 100% of your attention on your gf when our son isn't there. Then, whenever you want to see him, you can spend quality time with him and she won't need to get jealous. Instead, she can use that time to spend quality time with her kids."

Doesn't every good parent want their future possible partner to be good parents to their own as well? Blame it all on the gf's ex if you have to, then there'll be less that can be said about your "jealousy" OR-do you have any acquaintances you could hook your ex up with? lol...you never know! If he needs to have a woman in his life, it may as well be someone you approve of!

[LuisaCN]

Thank you ladies for responsding!
Well, MCMama, I have not met her because she is not spending time around our child. Bob currently sees our son most afternoons, and has one overnight either on Friday or Saturday. He schedules his time with her around that. My concern is that the crazy ex will go to Bob's house when our son is there. I've been quite viligent since the crazy ex called me!! I hope I do as well by my boy as you have done with your kids!
I hear you MissyChrissy! I am baffled that he's ok with her parenting style when it is so different than the style we have chosen to parent our child. I have said that our child's safety should be first and I find it hard to believe that getting laid is more important than our child's safety!! AND, believe me, I am always looking around to see if there is someone I could introduce him to!!
Thanks again ladies!

[mcmama]

Mary's ex is probably trying to isolate Mary. He wants you to mess up the relationship with Bob. If your child is not seeing Mary, there is probably little you can do. It's when the other parent's dating choices directly affect the kids, like with overnite visits when the kids are there, that the courts can get involved.

If Mary's ex is on probation, you might want to report that he attempted to harass her by harassing you. Just a thought.