[tildog]

I need help. On June 7 our family suffered a DESTIVING loss when me husbands dad died. He was not sick and it was a total shock. He was in his late 40s so this was totaly unexpected. My 4 year old daughter was his little angel. We live around 3 hours away and visit the inlaws often ALWAYS staying at Papa house. My mom has never been what you would call stable and I have never left my children with her. My sister and her son and Husband live in the same town. My sister had a misscarrage last year and is now just ending her 2nd tryistmert and so she told me she would have no problem taking care of both my 4 year old and my 1 1/2 year old.. Looking back i think this was a big mistake. We stayed at my motherinlaws and the kids at my sister. My motherinlaw did not want the kids at her house. my husband and his family were dead set aginst telling the children what happened so we waited untill we came home to talk. about 3 days in to our stay my sister calledand said my baby was to heavy to lift. I can understand her being worried do to last year but i wish she would have keeped him, it was harder on everyone have himaround they say. My sister is a good mother but we parent different. My sister does things like timeout for whining and i dont do timeout for that kind of thing. Also she spanks and I do not.(she says she did not spank my child thoe) I dont think she spent any 1 on 1 time with her. She always complains about all kids but her and she compares them and it has always annoyed me but I thought she would be better with my child this time. My mom would not go help her because she is a mad that my sister and her husband bought their son somthing my mom wanted to buy him. As far as the kids go we have had my husband faimly as the Family. Mine have always been more concerend about other things then my kids or me and thats fine but I really needed there. So we have always been close to my husbands family not mine. When we go to vist my daughter is always with papa he really was her favoriet person..... They did so much together, We sat her down with a picture book of pictures of them together and explainded said
Papa went to heaven and we cant see him again, That he loved you so much and allways loves you that she didnt do anything wrong and that it was no ones fault and reminded her that the people who are still her *aunts and uncles grandma ext. that they love her and want to be with her..
She is now bed wetting and has allways been a little behind on talking but she barley talks and has gone back to making more sounds then words. Also she keeps asking about call papa and keeps telling me "no more uncle **** no more aunt ----... So i know somthing had to happen at my sisters she issits that my child was fine there but also says that she was wetting the bed there too. Also she told me that that on the way to pick up my kid she explained that he had died to her child knowing we had yet to do this and says well maybe he said somthing to her and that why she started bed wetting. I dont know the last time this happed and she has been potty traind for at least 2 years. I dont know how to help her feal better. She isnt eating much and I know she is upset. I called her dr but he was no help any ideas how I can help my daughter deal with this... any advice would help me right now thank you very much

[mcmama]

Children often will experience a regression when dealing with a sudden death. It is their way of controlling the uncontrollable. Some will have bedwetting, some will have the far worse problem of retaining their feces. Sometimes they will take blame on themselves, believing that an unrelated incident could have caused the death. Again, it is their way of being in control.

It probably was a mistake to leave your daughter, not because of anything your sister or anyone else would have done, but because she was not given the same closure as the rest of you. Saying goodbye to papa is a very important process for her.

You can't undo the past, and really you didn't do a bad thing, just a normal one. There is only so much you can deal with in a crisis.

Find a way soon to connect your daughter with your husband's family, maybe visit the house or the cemetery (with preparation) and give her a chance to mourn and understand. And please be patient. The bedwetting may continue for a while. This is a very difficult loss.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

So sorry about your family's loss. That does take a while to get over.
I have to agree with McMama. Could you take her to the cemetery and place
some flowers on his grave?

Yes, with emotional upsets, children do regress for a few weeks.
Just be patient a little bit longer with her.

[beth]

Your daughter, at age 4, does not have the skills to understand fully the concept of death, but she has understood that Papa has gone away to heaven, hence the bedwetting. The bedwetting is normal and will rectify itself in time. You can assist her recovery by being patient with the bedwetting and never reprimanding her for it. As she was close to her Papa and has not experienced the funeral, perhaps you could have a small ceremony with her and your husband and anyone else close to her. You could let her pick a bouquet and say some words to her Papa or you could say them yourself. It is important to mark the event so that she knows that something important has happened and it can't be changed. Perhaps you could also mention other people who have gone to heaven so that she gets the idea that although they have gone, they are not forgotten. A trip to the cemetery can also do no harm. It is also ok for you to show your own grief so she knows that to grieve is normal. However, be asssured that at this early stage she is behaving normally.