[Hannahleh]

I have just won co-guardianship of my grandson and his half sister. The other Grama has physical custody as that seemed the best for us all right now. The mother of the children is a speed-freak/meth-head who seems to go on and off drugs at a whim but can't seem to keep focussed on her priorities, that being the children. There has been discussion about mental health issues that may also be making it difficult for her to resume parenting. Meanwhile my son tells me he is working and saving up to set up an apartment and start earning his kids back. This sounds great but there is no tangible proof of this. His dad says he is drinking his savings. Sigh....
I have offered all involved a place to stay in the country, lots of love and chicken soup, jobs connections and in one case a job starting immediately for the mom which will include room, board and some spending money. Her reason for not jumping at it is that she'll be too far away from the children, yet when living in the same town she rarely sees them anyway.
So...I'm at loose ends with the lot of them. Mom and kidlets have told me they will be up to celebrate Chanukah with me which would be wonderful but I feel it would be unwise to put too much stock in that.
Any advise on how to hold my own while they all go through their various crisis's, and what on earth do I tell the kids!? The 8 year old is aware of her mom's drug problem. Way too rough on a kid...
Advice sorely needed and most welcome. Thanks
Hannahleh

[cjoy825]

these kinds of situations are never easy on anyone especially the young kids that don't know what to make of their parents actions. are the kids in any counseling??? That may be an avenue to consider if the kids are having any behavioral or emotional problems or acting out in any way. one thing you can do for yourself is to be there if the kids/grandkids need you. you can't change what the parents do but you can protect your precious grandkids and be there when the parents are ready to make the change and better their lives for themselves and their children. good luck and i hope things get better!

[Hannahleh]

Unfortunately the kids aren't getting much in the way of counseling. The custodial Grandmother and I talk about issues that will raise their ugly heads and some that have already. Like the eldest's nearly compulsive need to parent everyone around her, in particular her own mother. With our new guardianship arrangement I'm hoping to hold more sway over what happens next. The youngest will soon be going to Sunnyhill Kids Hospital for assessment. There is some question as to whether or not he may be slightly autistic. Personally I think he's developementally delayed because he's been neglected. We shall see. In the meantime, thank-you for your support!

[sweetdreams]

you need to get them into counseling . I have a 15 year old and I am an addict but I have been clean for almost 7 months . And the worst part is what I did to my son (mentally) so they need to get counseling.

[sfharper]

Absolutely right!

Originally Posted by sweetdreams

you need to get them into counseling . I have a 15 year old and I am an addict but I have been clean for almost 7 months . And the worst part is what I did to my son (mentally) so they need to get counseling.

Bravo for getting your act together. Remember, if your family is like mine, that everyone wants to help you so ask if you need it.
This children will need counseling and medical assessment, especially if the parents stay on drugs. Meth makes parents detached from their children, so don't count on their feelings of love or guilt to change them. My brother's children are split throughout the family. Be sure that whoever they are staying with wants the job until the children turn 18 because the parents may never turn around. My parents took 2 -- they're 77 and 74 raising a 9 and 14 year old and its very hard on them but they're a family now. We all do our best to help out. The eldest boy had a similar "mothering" instinct so we try hard to make him play.

[beth]

Originally Posted by Hannahleh

Unfortunately the kids aren't getting much in the way of counseling. The custodial Grandmother and I talk about issues that will raise their ugly heads and some that have already. Like the eldest's nearly compulsive need to parent everyone around her, in particular her own mother. With our new guardianship arrangement I'm hoping to hold more sway over what happens next. The youngest will soon be going to Sunnyhill Kids Hospital for assessment. There is some question as to whether or not he may be slightly autistic. Personally I think he's developementally delayed because he's been neglected. We shall see. In the meantime, thank-you for your support!

Hi Hannakleh,
The fact that you have noticed that your eldest grandchild is parenting all around her, in particular her mother, is a cause for concern. She is heading for becoming what is known as a "parentified child". This is not the worse thing in the world, but it will effect her relationships with everyone, from kids at school, to her parents, even to you. You are right in encouraging her to play more, but try to get these kids into more counseling,as she needs to realise that she is not responsible for the wellbeing of her parents, nor can she save them. As for yourself, you need counseling too! It must be so sad for you to watch your son and his family in trouble like this. To be realistic, try not to expect anything from either your son or his partner, and plan for the future of you and your grandchildren. You have the potential to have a great life together. If your son is there too, that is a plus, but concentrate on what can be and try to leave what might be unfold in its own way. Good luck and best wishes.