[dyohn]

As a psychologist, mother and well-informed parent I thought I had all the bases covered when my son went off to college. I read the books, earned my doctorate and generally stayed on top of the whole parenting "thing" probably more than any other person I know.

In spite of all that, my worst nightmare came true...

I got the call that every parent dreads in the middle of the night. My only child, a college sophomore, was killed in a hit and run accident. This was no fault of his. Things can happen to young adults, even when they are doing everything right.

One incident or one death is one too many. Each student is someone's child.

After the long period of grief that you would expect from this kind of life event I got mad. I was mad that nobody ever gave me the advice I'm about to give you.

7 Things I Wish I knew Before I Sent My Son to College

1. Have discussions about your expectations for their conduct. There are many potential diversions and behaviors that can derail your child's education completely such as cheating, plagiarizing, unwelcome sexual activity, drug use and excessive drinking. So, reinforce the point that they want to graduate in approximately 4 years with a degree This should take place in a calm, comfortable environment. Do not wait to discuss these sensitive topics in anger or crisis.

2. Never let you college student son or daughter have a car for the first 2 years. Most students don't have cars. If your child does, every time one of their friends wants to go somewhere guess who drives? This puts your child on the road more often. More Road Time = More Risk Time. So take away a stressor and keep your college student on campus participating in campus activities. (Obviously this does not pertain to commuting students.)

3. Students should live on campus or in housing for students. Parents should also visit the dorm or apartment to be familiar with the environment. I urge parents of new college students to walk across campus during off hours and social hours to observe the campus in different situations.

4. Control their idle time. Students should not have too much idle time. Part time jobs, volunteer activities, participation in sports and internships should be expected. I urge parents to sit down with a daily calendar and have the student give you their daily schedule.

5. Don't give your kid too much money! Students should be accountable for their spending money. It takes money to party and head off campus.

6. Listen to your inner voice. Parents of college students should use their intuition when they suspect something is wrong. I am a strong believer that our intuition is often correct. If your college student son or daughter misses a phone time with you, cuts calls short or cannot be reached then you have good reason to be weary. These are indicators that there could be a problem.

7. Get the right, must-have telephone numbers – all 7 of them! Having just your child's phone number won't help if they don't have their phone or they can't talk on it. You should have the following numbers: the R.A. (Room Advisors in the dorm), campus security, student advisor, college roommate, friends (at least 1), and the parents of the roommate and friends of roommate.

These seven strategies are also found in my book: Parenting College Students: 27 Winning Strategies for Success. You can get this a free eBook on my web site at: link removed

Don't Be Alarmed – Just Wake Up

This article is meant to be a wake up call for you as a parent of a college student. It is not meant to alarm you or scare you. Know that colleges are designed to be safe and although your child is on their own, there is a large "bubble" of support surrounding them.

More importantly, you should also know, that as a college student's parent you have more control than you might think over whether your college student is happy and safe all the way to graduation. My goal since that very bad night, half a world away, is that all college parents start doing the small things that improve their child's chances for college success. You can improve the odds by understanding and exercising your changing parenting responsibilities.

(mod cut -sales pitch removed)

[mcmama]

I am very sorry for your loss. Even though you are a spammer from India. Bye.

[mcmama]

Now, following up on some of the ideas the spammer mentioned -

The experience my son had at SUNY Purchase in 2003 was that even the RA was into drugs, and when I called the head of student health I got a lot of let go of your kid we let marijuana slide once stop worrying it's really okey dokey no worries tenured union hacked bullsh*t.

I responded that my son does not do drugs, and does not drink, and was in a suite with 7 other people who were selling marijuana, spilling bong water all over the place, and puking up beer for him to step in and clean up. 7 other underage people.

I was told that I would be surprised how many well intentioned parents THINK their children are not doing drugs.

I then threatened a lawsuit. I told her I refused to have to put my son back on anti anxiety prescription meds so that he could "adjust" to the "stress" of living with stoners who had no respect for the law and the tenured contracted salaried "professionals" could just slide by until there was a "crisis".

They changed his room that weekend. With another Christian misfit. Put him in the "wellness" section of the dorm. The section where there was no smoking, no drinking, and students had an interest in faddishly healthy living.

Funny, I thought that the whole dorm was supposed to be free of smoking and drinking, especially where underage students were concerned.

He and the roommate transferred the following year. After the dorm caught fire. Because someone got stoned and set a couch on fire just to see what would happen.

One of the stoner crew got expelled by Christmas, freshman year. But security never kept him from returning to campus, used to greet him by name as if nothing happened. And he was back on campus frequently for only one of two purposes - selling marijuana, or joining his friends to do shrooms in the nearby woods.

So when my youngest was looking for colleges, you had better believe I asked a lot of embarrassing questions on the tour. Like, what happens when freshmen have alcohol or drugs? What is the reporting procedure? What is the discipline? Do you have sprinklers in the dorms? What does a student do when the RA is misbehaving? When was the last time one of the dorms had a fire?

I made people at UF in Gainesville very nervous. FSU in Tallahassee was a bit more comfortable discussing student life and answering my questions, both from student guides and admin. GWU and American U in Washington DC didn't particularly care, they were pretty candid with me about how this was prevented and most students were too motivated to be doing the party on scenario.

My oldest son transferred to a smaller liberal arts college. Where he became an RA. A very tough RA. Guys who were doing beer pong in their rooms with freshman girls were so busted. Security checked ID at all gates, and had a list of expelled people who should not return to campus.

Most campuses have a blue light system for alerts to security. Ask a lot of questions in front of your student about how this works and how effective it is. It is a big improvement over previous systems in many cases, especially for sprawliing campuses.

[flowergardengirl]

Yep, you are speaking from experience mcmama. I read the first post and it brought me to tears---then made me mad when I saw it was a spammer.
I've had two kids/boys/men go through college and one is continuing on with additional courses. They were both well run state schools and both boys are successfully on their own. The best advice for parents of a college age student is---keep close tabs the first year away from home. That's when you will find out if the school is a good match and is doing their part to keep your child safe. Don't worry about your child being mad at you cause most will be. They want to be grown ups. You want to treat them like grown ups but that first year at college is too tempting. If they sound funny on the phone when you call--like off-ish or hurried, then you need to check on them more often. Just tell yourself that this year is going to be awkward for everyone and you might have to be the enemy sometimes. I was and my sons and I are very close now.
I have one son who is an engineer and the other is in the medical field. They both got their first two years at a community college close to home. It was the best decision we ever made. My youngest went away his first year after high school to a Christian college. It was a party atmosphere and broke our hearts. So home he came and to the community college he went. It was lots cheaper too.

[Samual]

In the UK, university is alot about getting as drunk and stoned as you possible can. We have a thing called carnage in the UK, it happens at every university, you get a t-shirt with the names of all the pubs in the town, then you go on a big pub crawl and get a tick next to the name of a pub when you have a drink there. Its absolutely immense, when I was at uni it was the best event. I still have my t-shirts, my record was 7 pints of guinness and 22 shots in 6 hours, luckily I don't get hangovers.

At most universities here, no car would be it would be impossible to go to the supermarket to buy food, so that wouldn't work here, as well starvation isn't exactly nice.