[michymoo]

I have not done this before – so hopefully I wont miss anything out. I am a 28 year old girl and had previously been in a relationship (my first ever) from 17 to 25 – we were engaged although things were not right and I should have left at the time – but I was very young for my age and very scared – we had just bought a house together and I really was not happy. I could not really talk to my fiancé and at the time I met another man and totally fell in love – which I think I had never really felt before. I was 25 and the new person was 34. I found out from this new person before we were involved that he was unhappily married and had been seeing other people although his wife was 6 months pregnant. He also has a 2 year old boy. This surprised me as he didn’t act at all as if he was with anyone and definitely did not seen to act like he had a child. One week later he left his wife and moved in with his Father. I used to meet him for lunch and occasionally after work and we were very close although nothing at this stage had actually happened – I still felt bad about it as I knew we were falling in love really deeply. The next thing that happened was when I was at home and I had a call from his (now ex) wife saying that she knew I was seeing her husband and that she was going to make my life hell. I confronted him about this and he told me to ignore it – but she bombarded me with texts and phone calls and got her friends to call my office pretending to be headhunters and tax inspectors and all sorts in order to find out who I was. At this stage I was still with my boyfriend and I was totally confused about what to do as I had been with him so long and was linked to his life and family and friends in everyway – I didn’t have the ability or knowledge to know how to deal wit the situation and I really didn’t know what I wanted. The new person was also bombarding me with flowers and text message and wanted to meet me all the time and sending cards / poems / presents to me – it was a very difficult situation. This went on for months before eventually the (now ex) wife found my address and called round to me house when my boyfriend was there and told him what she thought was going on. My boyfriend asked me and at the time I denied everything as I was so confused and the situation was I felt out of my control. I would say that at this time I had no real notion of the situation I was in – I can’t explain without a billion additional words – but I was totally messed up and confused with it all. I knew I loved my long term partner – but I also knew I wanted to be with this new person and which I found so confusing as my entire life had been spent building a life I now was not sure of. That’s just the background – sorry its so long – its so complicated. I stayed with my long term boyfriend and was still threatened and abused by his ex – she visited my parents, sent letters to my family stating that her husband was HIV positive etc etc. she used to park outside my house and tell me I had private detectives watching me and also her parents often called to my house and would park over my drive and tell me they wanted to see my partner and talk with him – and be abusive to me. I ignored all of this and tried to get on with my life. Eventually my partner and I split up and some weeks later I started to see the new person properly and was very very happy. At the time he concerned me because he slowly stopped seeing his children. I found it difficult at first to accept the situation and that he had children – as I felt that we were soul mates and we agreed that we felt like we were supposed to be – so in my head it seemed wrong that he had children with another person – but I was still very naive and young at 25. I am now 28 and have had the most difficult 3 years of my life. I am still with my new partner and he is now divorced from his ex wife. He didn’t see the children for nearly 9 months when we were first together and I could not talk to him about I – he would just say that it was something he needed to sort out. Afterwards he told me that he didn’t see them as he loved me so much and was scared of losing me – he didn’t think I would accept them and found it hard to deal with himself. I told him that this was a stupid thing to think and he just said ‘I know what you are like – I was scared of losing you’. In this time his ex has still caused trouble and one evning stole his phone from him when she was in a bar and kept calling me over and over – I thought that it was my partner – so I was shouting down the line telling him to say something. The next day she had reported ME to the police for harassment and said that I had said down the phone that I would ‘break the children’s legs!!!’ – which I thought was unbelievable. 2 of her friends also said that I did this at witnesses. I was furious with this and the situation that she had previously created by contacting me and stalking me – so much so that the next time I was out for the first time I retaliated and after a few drinks I sent a text (from my partners phone) to her – which I know was wrong – but had been building up inside me for so long. Again – she reported this to the police and I now have a written warning to stay away from her and she cannot contact me either

My new partner and I have now lived together for over a year now in my house I used to have with my partner and we are due to move out next week and into a rental property together, His partner has still caused problems for him throughout the divorce and with the children as she will not let them near me or see me – or even for them to come to my house when I am not there so my partner can look after them. My partner works 6 days a week and has the children on a Sunday – he also put them to bed (in her house) on a Tuesday evening. She has started to ask him to look after them more and more – and to stay over more and more (she goes out for the night). I miss him awfully when he is away and I only see him some evenings – so our relationship has drastically changed. He feels extreme guilt for not seeing the children and the ex is also very manipulative and will use his guilt and the children to get what she wants. His ex does not work, he gave her a beautiful house worth 500k) and a huge lump sum (170k) and £100 per week maintenance) and she still asks for more money and says he is not doing enough. She puts a lot of pressure on him and uses the elder child (now 5) to manipulate my partners feelings. I think he should see the children and I don’t stop him at all – but he wont tell me when or anything and he will make promised to his ex and the children and to me when he knows he cant keep them all. A few weeks ago (he was opening a new shop) and I had been working there in the evenings after my full time job to paint and stock etc. We opened on the Saturday and were exhausted. I had asked him to have the Sunday with me a few weeks before – so we could spend some actual time together and he said yes. We got into our own cars to drive home and then he called and told me that his exes gran was ill and he had to go look after the children – I knew that this was a lie and it had already been planned so I confronted him and he admitted that the week before he had planned it and she was going out and now he had to do it and thought that in the week he would have been able to get out of it!! He went anyway and I went home. Then last week we had a few days away (Thursday to Saturday) and just as we got to where we were going his ex called and said don’t forget you agreed to have the kids sat afternoon – which he had arranged knowing that our flight would not get back till 11.30pm and told me that he had not told his ex he was going away because it would reflect badly on him!! Now we are due to move out of the house in less than 2 weeks and he has decided that he wants to take the kids away for a week over Easter and that the only thing stopping him is me because I need help moving out – I am just so confused and he keeps telling me I deserve better and he is messed up and keeps letting me down – which he does. I would love for the children to be part of our lives and everyone (apart from the ex wife) would be happier – as the children would see their Dad happy and in a loving relationship (we are extremely in love) and they could come whenever they like and his ex would have a break. But she will not allow it. I know that this is going to ruin our relationship (as it already is) and also if things don’t work out – it will ruin my life too – as he is the one for me and I will stand by him every step of the way. I want to feel the same loyalty and dedication back – the way it used to feel. He is really not really dealing with any of this at all – as he also has had no money for so long and has been living with me free of charge for over a year – he also owes my nearly 3k and I am feeling so low about it all - but I just cant and will not give up
This may not be in the right forum or written in the right way – but please does anyone have any advice (or questions). Thank you

[JeanLynn81]

Welcome to Families!

I'm not sure you will like what I have to say, so I want to start out by saying that none of this is written in a harsh tone. I am just giving my honest opinion.

When a woman marries a man and has children with him, she dreams from day one about forming her perfect family. I can't imagine the hurt she went through when her husband not only left her for another woman, but then didn't see the children for awhile! Don't you think she felt the same way about him as you did? So picture him cheating and leaving you for another woman. How painful would that be? Yes, his ex took it just a little overboard, but I get sick thinking about raising my daughter by myself, and I willingly kicked the father out (long story). I can't imagine what he put her through. I would think long and hard before I had any children with him. You think he's in love with you, but heck, didn't his wife think that? I mean, you have to be pretty in love to get married and have two children! Just be careful is all I'm saying.

I'm not saying the ex is right by any means. I mean, she's right to be very angry! But a woman with young children shouldn't teach them to hate people, and thats what she's doing.

You ever hear the saying "what goes around, comes around"? This is what you don't want to hear-he is lying to you and his children, because he says one thing and means another and he's not sticking to plans. He sounds like he really doesn't know what he wants and he also needs some serious counseling. Leaving his family messed him up waaay more than he'll admit to you or ever will. If he doesn't go get some help, you need to get out while you still have some sanity left.

I'll end this with some very famous words from a very strong woman, Tina Turner - "What's love got to do with it?"

[mama2riley]

Well, sounds like you have been through a lot but here's what I have to say and you probably won't like it...

What did you really expect? You are with a man who cheated on his wife, lied to his family, and then left them to be with you. Now you expect his wife to just welcome you into their life and let you be involved with her children? If I were his ex wife I wouldn't let you have anything to do with my children either. I'm not sure what kind of advice you are looking for. Now, she may have handled the situation poorly when she found out about you, but if my husband ever did that to me and my children I can't say what exactly I would do! I do hope everything works out for you, but if I were you I wouldn't expect any kind of good relationship with his former family. Sounds like from your story he is lying to you about things and what's to say he won't do the same thing to you he did to his wife? Just my two cents from the perspective of someone married with children - sorry if its harsh, but I'm being honest.

[MJ7]

I've got to agree with the other ladies here. This relationship you both started was initially based on deception; these are the seeds which were planted and what you are now reaping are its fruits. You are not married to this man and though he's divorsed, his family is his children. He was cheating emotionally on his wife while she was pregnant! Is this really the kind of man you feel like you deserve? Do you really believe he is not capable of doing the same to you? I'm sorry the ex is treating you very poorly. I can't say I blame her for her anger. You said,

I want to feel the same loyalty and dedication back – the way it used to feel.

...but there really was no "loyalty" to you because he was cheating on his wife (I do consider what was happening cheating) with you. He later went a long time without seeing his children out of his fear of losing you. This man does NOT come across as loyal rather chasing what makes him feel good rather than doing what's right. I know this too probably isn't what you want to hear.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Wish I could wave a magic wand and make your life perfect.
But life does not work that way.

When we make decisions that affect other adults, and small children,
that decision has a ripple effect like a wave in the ocean.

You say that this now divorced man has no money, has lived with you for a year
rent free, gives his wife a wonderful home along with a weekly payment, and
he owes you $$$$.

You have given this man a relationship, a place to live for free, $$$$, and free sex.

What has this man given you? Someone to sleep in your bed, free sex, and not being completely honest with you.
What are his priorities? His children, his ex-wife, his business, and you rate a very sad last.

What I think is probably not something you wish to hear. Move to your own place, alone. Dump this guy as fast as you can. Take a few months to get your life in order as a single woman. Then, begin to date again, only to completely single or divorced men. No married men.

Some day you will find your Prince Charming. He is not the man you have right now, dear.

[MissyChrissy]

You need to move into your own place. He lied to his wife, he's now lying to you. You've heard the saying that "love is blind"...this is the sort of situation it came from. You think he loves you...but he doesn't. No way could he love you if he's lying to you.

I don't care what the reasons are-any man who can ignore his children for 9 months isn't worth crap. IF it's true that he thought he'd lose you...then so what? NO woman or man is worth missing your kids over. EVER. However, I think that was just another lame excuse. It sounds like he just makes things up as he goes along and tells you whatever he thinks you want to hear.

Get your own place. If you must see him, only date him. Demand honestly. ALWAYS. You cannot have a healthy relationship without trust. Without honesty, there can never be trust. Good luck!

[angelic_ky]

he cheated on his (now ex) wife, i would be highly suspicious of his motives of spending nights at the ex's place... i think you need some time apart from him so you can get some real perspective on the relationship (trust me, it my take a month or 2 or longer, but you need some time away so you can seperate your emotions from this situation and see things with a clear head), you may think he is your soulmate, but i seriously doubt it.

[kevin123]

The ladies who posted all got it exactly right. You need to cut your losses and dump this evil guy while you can. Heaven help you if you get pregnant with him.

I am a man and a father, as well as a husband of about 20 years, and I feel completely comfortable telling you that this "man" is destroying your life, and he is destroying his own and his children’s' lives. His wife will have scars but she will hopefully recover; it will be much harder for his kids. He is now sucking you dry, using you while it is convenient for him, and he is *not* your soulmate. Nobody's soulmate would abandon his children, even if his children were with his ex-wife. Not Ever.

And no even-halfway decent man would abandon his children. Not Ever.

Please do the following:

1. Make sure you do not get pregnant (abstinence works best), or you will know far worse heart-breaking pain, and you will damage your children if they are with him.

2.Please start seeing a good counselor immediately. Go alone, without your boyfriend and tell the counselor exactly what you wrote here. You have a condition called "codependence" and it will ruin your life if you don't take control, and you better do it before things get worse, and yes, they can get a *lot* worse.

3. Read everything you can about codependency, and how to work to free yourself of this disease. It is like alcoholism, you may always have it, but you can manage it, and lessen its impact on your life.

4.Talk to your friends who have their lives in a good state of control, and who are *strong* in the face of adversity, and ask them to help you through this.

5.Dump the abusive boyfriend, move to a new apartment, change all your phone numbers and get them unlisted, and do not give this leech your new address or your new phone #'s.

6. Realize that any father who does what he has done to his children should lose all rights to his children, as he is actually harming his children.

7. Attend a church/temple of your choice, and ask for advice. They will help you and give you strength to fight this disease of codependency which is within you and is destroying you.

Don't feel alone. Many women fall for married men, it happens every day. The only way you can help him is to leave him forever, and to never have anything to do with him; then there is at least a chance he will feel the pain of his losses and possibly work to improve himself. It is the most loving thing you can do for him. And for you too. And for his kids too.

You have the power to save yourself, and to give him a second chance, by leaving him forever. Please do save yourself. Give him a chance to improve his own life. Leave him forever.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Best Wishes,
Kevin

[fullofjoy08]

i have go to agree with everyone else. what did u expect? im not saying people dont change. what i am saying is that some nothing good can come from hurt and pain exprienced on both end. sounds to me like hes up to his old tricks and ur the one being left in the cold. the one thing u can do is follow ur gut. most of the time it is right. good luck and remeber this too shall pass.

[Momof2kids]

You have to follow your heart in this one, you already know the truth. He is not good for you and you need to move on. Be strong and do what is best for you. He's not your soulmate. He doesn't know what he wants and he's using you in the mean time. This sounds harsh but really isn't..just the truth. Good Luck