[LadyElizabeth]

How do you deal with the pressure to be perfect?
In what area are you feeling the most pressure to be perfect?
What helps?

Elizabeth

[writerchick]

The most pressure I put on myself is to be a perfect mother. I'm not a big fan of Mother's Day because I could never live up to the expectations of the perfect, self-sacrificing saint that never raised her voice, etc, etc, etc... The challenges of motherhood tap into every character flaw I have and it's a daily struggle to try and be the kind of mother I want to be. Because at the end of the day, or should I say the end of my life, the thing I want said about me was "she was a good mother" above anything else.

[writerchick]

Oh, yeah. I forgot the "what helps" part of the question. What helps is that my kids are very forgiving and seem to love (and even like!) me in spite of all my imperfections.

[babydawn]

Is it just LDS women who feel this pressure to be perfect, or do you think other mother's feel it as well?

As with writerchick, I feel the pressure to be a perfect mother, and often I come up lacking. Thank goodness kids have such unconditional love. On top of the pressure to be a perfect mother, I also feel a huge pressure to be thin. I think this is put on by myself and not others. I was always very thin before I had kids and even wore a size 4 after my second baby (I am 5'7"). Now I am a size 8-10, depending on the clothes I buy, and I feel huge. My husband tells me that I look great but when I look in the mirror, I don't feel that way. To help me I try to make sure that I watch what I eat and I try to exercise on a regular basis. My husband telling me I am beautiful when I am having really bad days also is a huge help.

[LadyElizabeth]

Yes, I think LDS women face a greater pressure to be perfect. We have it in every aspect of our lives.

I bet you are wonderful mothers! We have to remember that when we start out as mothers we are inexperienced and grow in the job. That's expected.

Don't compare yourselves to experienced mothers, that's not fair. Even after 20 years of being a mother, you can still make a lot of mistakes, but the Lord helps guide mothers, I'm sure of it.

So you are saying that motherhood and body image are the big perfection pressures for you.

How about employment, church callings, extended family, relationship with husband, friends, and your own personl development?

If you could change something in your life right now to help you what would it be?

Is there pressure from other women, judging you?

(I'm researching for a book I'm writing for the lDS market. Your input will help others! Thanks!)
Elizabeth

[babydawn]

How about employment, church callings, extended family,
relationship with husband, friends, and your own personl development?
I have a really good relationship with my husband...probably one of the best that I know (with the exception of my parents). I also have a wonderful extended family on both sides. I do occasionally feel like my husbands mother looks down at me when it comes to cleaning, but she is a perfectionist when it comes to her house and I prefer my house to be lived in, other than that though, her and I have a wonderful relationship. I am a stay at home mom, so I guess the employment part really doesn't apply to me. I am the Enrichment Leader in my ward and to be honest, I don't really care for it. I have 8 brothers and 2 sisters, my 2 sisters were both out of the house by the time I was in 8th grade. I spent most of my time hanging out with my brothers and their friends. I don't really care for large groups of women getting together...I never have, and I think this is why. So the Enrichment calling has been something that I have had to really work on in my personal life as well as my church one. I feel like I have major improvements to do on my spiritual development...but I also feel like I have come a long way.

If you could change something in your life right now to help you what would it be? I would change a couple of things....first, my cravings for sugar, I have such a sweet tooth...I would completely get rid of that and any other bad eating habit that I have. Eating healthy has so many more benefits other than the most obvious one of weight loss. It helps with concentration, mental health, physical health....I love to be able to sit down and play with my kids...I have more patience when I eat healthy...I seem to be an overall better person in every aspect of my life when I eat well. Secondly, I would change my drive and motivation to study the scriptures. This is not my strong suit. I have tried many times with my husband to be on top of scripture reading together. Although I do do a pretty good job reading scriptures with my kids....Last years challenge from President Hinckley was the best. It gave me the motivation to read the Book of Mormon in that amount of time, and I did it. Now the new year has come and I am back in the habit of forgetting to read with my husband until it is so late we are about ready to fall asleep....

Is there pressure from other women, judging you?
Yes...Like I said, I am the Enrichment Leader in our ward. I have heard of several comments stemming from one particular group of women about their disapproval of what I am doing. On one hand it hurts, on the other I have the attitude of that is exactly why I don't like big groups of women. I have to remind myself that these women's feelings are not the common ones (I hope) and that there are many more wonderful women in the ward who accept me for who I am and are patient with my shortcomings. I have a hard time not resorting back to my old ways....I was a some what hardened person. I have always been compasionate, but when it came to others and their thoughts of me, I would get hard. I can't explain it any other way. I have worked really hard to overcome that, and it makes it difficult when things like this come up, because I want to resort to what is comfortable to me and that is to change my attitude of one that is caring and trying to be accepting of everyone, to one of oneryness with a wall built up around so that no one can get to know the real me. When I was in high school, I had a guy offer to pay me to beat up some girl, I had never been in a fight my entire life, and yet, my persona was one that would prompt someone to offer to pay me to injure someone else. That wasn't who I was inside, but it was a good coverup that I used. I am rambling like crazy now, I apologize, I hope this helps.

[Diva]

This is a GREAT quesion!! when I was younger, I felt pressure in almost every area to fit in, and ended up really struggling in all areas of my life because of it; even falling away from the Church at a very young age after my Mom died and falling in with a group that used alot of drugs and alcohol.......I was always worried about what other people thought of me in looks, actions, just everything!
but I think now, just being in my forties helps me to not worry about it all any more !
No, seriously~~~ I think the older I get, the more I realize how unimportant and damaging the "comparing" thing is in our lives. That and the fact that I have had alot of loss in my life, and almost lost my own life just recently, and it really brings things into focus a bit more. I know I have alot of things to work on, but I also know that Heavenly Father knows ME personally, and He understands my weaknesses and He understands WHY I have these particular weaknesses and if I go to Him, He will help me to overcome them. Its important to stay focused on yourself and what you want from your life and not on what someone else is or is not doing or what they may be saying about you. It just doesnt really matter in the long run; what matters is that you are striving to do your best.
Sorry Im not more help!

[babydawn]

Originally Posted by Diva

No, seriously~~~ I think the older I get, the more I realize how unimportant and damaging the "comparing" thing is in our lives. That and the fact that I have had alot of loss in my life, and almost lost my own life just recently, and it really brings things into focus a bit more. I know I have alot of things to work on, but I also know that Heavenly Father knows ME personally, and He understands my weaknesses and He understands WHY I have these particular weaknesses and if I go to Him, He will help me to overcome them. Its important to stay focused on yourself and what you want from your life and not on what someone else is or is not doing or what they may be saying about you. It just doesnt really matter in the long run; what matters is that you are striving to do your best.

Sorry Im not more help!

I have noticed how important it is as I have gotten older to not compare things as well. I live in an area where EVERYONE is trying to keep up with the Jones'. Some people can afford it, some can not...it is hard to watch friends of ours make choices that are going to put a huge finacial stress on their lives. My husband and I are planning on moving back east in the next few years and that is one of the things I like so much about where we will be moving, no one cares what anyone else has.

I think that you have it figured out! Heavenly Father is the only one who we need to impress and he knows who we are inside and he knows what we need. I forget that sometimes (alot of times), it is a good reminder. I just need to come on here and read those comments you made when I am feeling down, perhaps it will help me to not feel so hurt by their comments. You were a huge help, thank you.

[Diva]

YW hun!! Im really glad my ramblings helped you a bit.

[codirector]

I think that we as LDS mothers and women put incredible pressure on ourselves to live up to an incredibly high standard for being a perfect mother/wife/member. Like writerchick, I too don't like Mother's Day because I always feel like I've failed or I'm an inadequate mother. Luckily my husband reminds me almost daily that I am a good mother and to stop being so hard on myself.
If there was something that I could change about myself: I would change my yelling and losing my temper. I am the type of person who expresses herself vocally and sometimes I need to remember to think first and speak later.
Do I feel pressure from my callings? For the first time in my adult life, I only have one calling and that is as the cubscout committee chairperson. I don't have pressure from that, but I was the RS president 4 years ago. I had immense pressure from that because I later found out that I was considered by many that I didn't like older sisters. I don't know how that came about, especially since my best friend is my mother who is in my ward, but I remember feeling resentful because I was young and had been in the ward for several years as a member of an STP family and thought that I was doing a good job.
Do I have a good relationship with family, husband? My husband is my rock and my biggest supporter. I am a stay at home mom and have never regretted that decision. I have a good relationship with my family, but unfortunately there has been some problems with my in-laws since the death of my mother in law. Both my husband and I have struggled with his family since they refused to get any counseling after her death and it has seriously effected the entire family
This has been such a wonderful thread. I enjoy reading everyone's responses. Good luck with your book!
Katie