[Ceebee]

My husband and I have been married 3 yrs (both 2nd marriages). I have never had much to do with my mother in law and that's the way it's always been. She still visits her ex daughter in law and has much to do with her. I don't like this so I am not close to my mother in law. My husband is not close to her either. She has never welcomed me into "her" family. I feel she blames me for the seperation of my husband and his first wife. They have one child together. Things have been very distant until a few months ago when we had a heart to heart chat over the phone and both said some honest truths. We ended up not speaking for 2 months, then she said she wanted to come around and sort things out. This again got out of hand and ended in an argument with personal insults to my face. I retaliated and told her to leave. She left still name calling. My husband was present and said nothing - yes I know very disappointing. He said I could handle myself and he didn't want to hurt her, she is a sad, lonely 63yo widow. It's now 3 months ago and both me and my husband have made or had any contact. I told my husband I didn't want him going around there. I feel disappointed that he didnt correct her or stick up for his wife. I feel he is scared of his mother. As far as I am concerned she is no longer family. Am I being too harsh? What do you think about my husbands position is all this? Christmas is coming up and I'm sure she'll make contact with him, it could be likely that she invites him (only) around to visit. I feel my husband should respect and support me in this. Help?

[cocotbo]

For what it is worth, your husband SHOULD take a part as peacemaker in this drama. There comes a time in a man's life when he has to realize that he is a man and that means making as gentle a transition as possible from being son to husband. It isn't easy for some women to see their sons grow up and put another woman first in their lives, but they usually still have to go through it.

You might be a little harsh with your mother-in-law. Don't you think it is important for that child to have good relations with his parents and grandparents? Your mother-in-law probably wants to stay in her grandchild's life and that would, of necessity, require some relationship with the child's mother. I know that if anything ever happened between my and my spouse, I would still want my son to know his family and would do my utmost to ensure that I had good relations with the, for the sake of my child.

By alienating your mother-in-law, you are putting your husband in a difficult position. Do you want him and his mother to have no contact with the mother of his child? That is a bit much to ask.

The fact is, you married into this family and you knew that there was a child and an ex-wife involved. You can't go into a second marriage and wipe the slate clean of children and ex-spouses. You aren't helping the situation any by making your husband choose between you and the rest of his family.

You asked, so here's my opinion: your demands sound a little unreasonable and Christmas time may be the best time for you to try to make peace by compromising a little rather than demanding a lot.

[space9]

I think you should let things cool for a while and then attempt little get togethers with her to establish some sort of relationship with her for your husbands sake.

[MJ7]

I agree with Cocotbo on this one too. I think it's very unrealistic too have the expectations you do. It sort of sounds like you are jealous of the relationship your mil has with your dh's ex--and that's understandable. There was a family in place prior to your comming and the only relationship I think should be severed is the one between your dh and his ex--except for the purpose of their child. You might not feel she is your family, but she is still your dh's family. It would be nice if your dh dealt with his mother himself. I would suggest letting your dh deal with her so you don't get put in the middle.

How did Christmas go?

[snickerdoodles]

Yeah, how did Xmas go?

[kelliz]

you cannot blame your mother in law because she is a woman after all and she understands taht his first daughter in law must be going through her worst time and she is just supporting her. i don't find anything wrong in it.

[mcmama]

kelliz, the message you responded to was a duplicate. It has been removed from this thread and is now here:
http://forums.families.com/my-future...elp-me,t108017