[wannabhappy]

Hi all! I am new here and so happy I found this board. I am finally ready to admit what I knew 10 years ago, that I should not have stayed with my husband or married him. We started dating in 1998. I think he knew I was having thoughts of leaving him, because he started telling me that if I left him he didn't know how he would live with out me. So of course I stayed though I was in love with another man. What I thought of then as saving him, I know now was complete manipulation. But I was young and naive. I actually convinced myself that it was possible to learn to love him. I knew I should have never married him. I just didn't know how to get out of it.
Fast forward 10 years and 2 kids. We have been married for 8 years. While he has never physically beat me, I feel like I have received every other form of abuse I can think of. I should also mention that he is an alcoholic and so is about 90% of his family. Anyways... I have been called every name in the book, I have been forced to quit my job because I couldnt trust him to get up with the kids, I have been humiliated in front of his friends when he was drunk, I've been sexually violated and pressured (I wont go into that here) and intimmidated. The list could go on and on. My kids see this also on occassion.
His family are nothing but enablers. His brother is a bigger alcoholic than he is. One night last fall, his brother got overly intoxicated and got in my face and basically verbally beat me down with anything and everything he could say. I called his parents to come and get him. They knew how he treated me. Well supposedly he apologized to my husband for it, but that is him and not me. I am afraid of him. If he has beat his girlfriend then whats to stop him from doing it to me.When they had a get together I told his mom I wasnt comfortable, and she basically told me that she wasnt there so she didn't know what the story was. I thought if nothing else my husband would stand up for me, but I even question that, since he told me I should just forget about it.
I'm sure many of you are wondering why I haven't left yet. But the truth is I don't know how to get out. I'm afraid of what he may do. He has even threatened to take my kids from me since I'm not the greatest of housekeepers. My parents are also getting ready to help us redo our kitchen. They have already have invested some money in this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think my biggest fear is my kids being left alone with him for any longer than a few hours. If youve made it this far, thanks for letting me vent. I havent really admitted all this to anyone else. I feel a little better just typing it out.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Hello and Welcome to our board.

I would advise you to talk to every family lawyer that you can. This will be a great benefit to you later as they cannot represent your husband at all if they have talked to you. I would also tell your parents about the situation and ask them not to give you any more money for the renovations....instead get them to save some money for you and the kids just in case. Document what is happening to you and how this make you and your kids feel. Also document anything such as has your husband been charged with driving under the influence etc...

Get all your documentation together...all the kids birth certificates and yours all their medical records, passports etc...just in case you have to leave in a hurry you know where everything is.

Also if your BIL ever does this again call the police...not your in laws. Tell them you feel threatened and that your BIL is drunk and is scaring the kids...they will get there and will be obliged to file a report.

Do you have any money saved in an account that is just yours? If not get an account that is just yours and that only you can access....put money into it as often as you can and don't touch it until you need it.

Lastly, is there a woman's shelter where you are from? Can you and the kids stay with your parents? If your husband then comes to the shelter or your parents drunk and bent on abusing you then call the police. Every time you do they HAVE to file a report...this will work in your favor when it comes to custody.

Remember he needs to PROVE you are an unfit mother...simply stating that you kept a dirty house is not ever close to enough to take yours kids away.

I will also say that I am happy to hear that you acknowledge the fact that he is abusing you. I grew up in an abusive environment and can say your children will thank you for taking them away from it. Maybe not immediately but they will, in time.

[wannabhappy]

Thank you so much for the reply. It was good to read what I need to be doing. Alot of it I am trying to get the ball rolling like setting up a savings account. I do need to start documenting and getting our info together. Alot of it was a while ago so I need to just write down the event since I wont have a date for it. I have an appointment with a counselor on Wednesday. I'm anxious to talk with him and get his take. My husband is also supposed to be seeing this doc but hasnt made another appointment to see him. But the dr already knows that my husband isnt always the nicest person. I really truely want to keep things drama free but Im afraid my husband or his family isnt going to be so nice.

On the house keeping thing... I have a bit of a problem with hording. Not to the extent like you might see on tv, but enough to make things cluttered. I have always had this problem even before we were married. Once we got together it got worse. I don't blame him for causing the problem, only exacerbating it. WHen he is abusive I do what I have to do to tune him or the situation out. He tends to accuse me of going out on a date if I go out with friends, go to study (I'm currently in College) so I havent really done to much with anyone until here recently. Even now though its only going to study or go to school.

[For little Elza]

Hello there. Well, as you can tell from my post on this site, I am really not one to give advice in this arena.

But, I have read over your post thus far. I can relate to you in the ways of emotional abuse and how "he has done everything but hit me."

Most likely, your husband will do what it takes to try and keep you from the counselor's appointment. Do not let him keep you from going. This is an important step... to document the emotional and verbal abuse. Also to document the alcoholism. This kind of documentation will be used in court in the future if you do get divorced.

Second, do not allow your husband to keep telling you the courts will take your kids if you aren't the best housekeeper in the world. This means nothing in a court who is looking out for the best interest of the child, not the cleanest house.

Prayers, Lynne

[mcmama]

About the hording - that's related to obsessive compulsive disorder. If it is beyond the usual clutter, disorganization, etc - if you have rooms in your house you cannot enter - if things you forgot you had are stacked to the walls - that's OCD related, and you can get therapy and medication to help you with that. Lots of abused spouses find that however OCD manifests itself in their lives - clutter, cleanliness, handwashing, cutting - it gets worse as the abuse goes on, since you feel out of control anyway.

My ex was the one who hoarded - still does. But since he was the one in charge of everything, HIS clutter didn't matter. Just mine! My inability to be a housekeeper around his stacks of stuff was supposed to be a big failure of mine, and a red flag that I was an unfit mother. (But I was fit enough to stay home with our children and run a child care business while we were married!)

My ex manipulated counselors - he was just there to help his poor sad wife. And when I started getting counseling on my own and for the children, he attempted to intimidate them. He had some elderly friends who he manipulated into providing counseling for our children "because they just wanted to help". And they did really want to do that - and could not understand why it was not safe for me to consent or "cooperate". Finally they gave up, because they did not and could not interfere.

Talk to your parents about what is going on. I am sure that they value you and your safety more than a kitchen. And maybe they can still invest to improve the kitchen, with the understanding that they are helping the family - and that if the house is sold they expect to be paid back from the proceeds. I'm sure there are ways they can write up a personal gift or loan that protects them and you.

Once you see a counselor on your own, he can't have information from them unless you give permission. And alcoholism will figure big in any custody placement, or if you have to have him evicted from the house.

Are you in Al-Anon? That's a group for families of alcoholics.

[Jokat]

Oh my god, I can't believe I found this site and your post! It's like reading about my life in someone elses words!
My marriage is exactly like yours. My husband is an alcoholic.(I just finished posting in the Addiction and recovery forum. The only difference I see is that I did love my husband when we got married. We had a good relationship at that point. But I'll aslo admit I've been in love with another man for many more years than I've been with my husband. Circumstances beyond my control forced my other love and I to decide to remain only friends but things have since changed.
I'm still in my marriage. Things are terrible with all the drinking and violence. If you read my thread in the other forum you'll see how similar are circumstances are as far as family and kids. My parents do everything for me and my children. My husband is always drunk when he's not working so that pretty much covers always! My dad does all the stuff my husband should do like renovations, fixing things that break. He's even had to pay some of my bills cause my husband drank away the money.
His family is the same. All enablers. They'll blame anyone they can for his problems (they all are the same). My husband has never taken resposibility for his drinking.
I'm at this point where I dont' know what to do! I'm completely in love with someone else and he's in love with me too. I do love my husband but it's way different now. I don't know at this point if I can continue to live like this.
I also have what some others have told you is OCD. My house is so cluttered it's not even funny anymore. I'm messy. I know now that I buy just for the sake of knowing I can. Alot of my compulsive buying is to do with pets. I have an obsession. We currently have 4 dogs, 3 cats, 2 rabbits, 2 bearded dragons, 3 turtles, and dozens of fish. Ya' I know it' sounds crazy. But on some level it makes me feel better.
I'm in the same boat as you. I just really want to hear what other's think and what they'd do if put in our circumstances.

[wannabhappy]

Wow I just read your other post and our situations do have alot in common. My mother and father in law dont drink anymore. Father in law is also verbally abusive to mother in law. Brother in law is a bigger drunk than my husband. He is currently in jail for his 8th DUI. My husband is an on and off drinker. His parents claim that they don't condone the drinking however they bail brother in law out any time he is in trouble. I have even heard him ask his parents if they would put their house up for collateral to bail him out. They said no but Im sure they did.
While I am not in a physical relationship with another man, I do have a guy friend that I talk to on a regular basis. He and 2 other people are the only ones I have trusted enough so far to tell. He knows everything other than the extent of the sexual abuse. He is so supportive and listens. I'm sure many would call it an emotional affair, and say that it is wrong. But he and I click like nobody else I know. Its not on a physical level or anything like that. Its just what we have in common and the way we think alike.
My hording OCD isnt so much from buying stuff as it is keeping things that have a sentimental value. Well besides magazines and mail. I also have like no functional organizational skills. I am basically an organized clutterer. I am trying to work on it but feel like it is to overwhelming and I start and quit. I wish I could go to the opposite extreme and be one that throws to much away instead of not enough.
If you ever want to talk let me know. It's nice to know that someone can relate. I don't feel quite so alone now.

[Jokat]

Hi again,
I'm really glad I found your thread too. I wrote that just before I went to bed last night and I thought about it all night. It was such a relief to find a site like this were people aren't always so quick to call you down instead of give you some support.
The people who know me and love me totally understand my situation but anyone else around here is quick to judge, and are very hurtful.
My in laws are terrible. In one breath his mom wants to help him get help, since she herself is a recovering alcoholic but in the next she's accusing me of making him that way! She knows about my affair now, but that hasn't made her hate me any more than she already did before she knew. She's always hated me. She's been a major problem in my marriage so far. A few months after we were together and I had had the miscarriage she actually told some people I know that I had gotten pregnant "on purpose" just to trap her son in a marriage, then her explanation for my miscarriage was that since I now had John married to me I found a way to lose the baby purposely! I was discusted and hurt when I heard this. I was heartbroken when that happened. At that point my marriage and my relationship with my husbad were good. We were both very upset and emotionally it was a terrible rough road for me.
As for my guy friend, he's been there for me through the toughest situations in my life. When I became pregnant for my son (who's father is my ex) my ex dumped me. He wanted nothing to do with me. He began dating a girl I'd known since kindergarten! I spent my whole pregnancy crying I'm sure! Ryan was my shoulder to lean on. He and my son's father were very close, they had been since childhood but he knew what he was doing to me was so wrong. He even tried his best to talk to my ex and see if he could talk some sense into him. My ex wasn't even there for my son's birth! He came back around later and I thought I was so in love with him I gave him another chance only to find out a year and a half later that he was cheating on me again. We were living in a completely different town, more than 400 miles away from here and he just up and kicked my son and I out one day without any warning. I never suspected a thing. So, I packed my stuff and came home again.
Then I met my husband a few months later and he was a real gentleman. Treated me wonderfully and he was excellent with my son. I knew I wasn't really "in love" with him in the way you probably should be to a man you marry but he was good hearted and I fell for it. He's still an excellent father figure to my children. At this point the kids have no clue about his drinking problems. My son sees him drink but he doesn't really understand there's a problem yet. It's a pretty common sight around here to see ppl with liquor on a regular basis.
Well, my husband just walked in and I don't want him to see this so I'm gonna' cut this short and I'll come back later to finish

[wannabhappy]

My inlaws are ok as long as you don't do anything to make their sons mad. It doesnt even matter if it was their fault or not. They will find a way to blame you anyways. They do the same thing to brother in laws girlfriend. They knew that he was being physically abusive to her and they still told her to shut up and called her names. Its more father in law than mother in law but she doesnt say anything. If I were to get a divorce I can only imagine the drama that they would try to start.
I know what you mean about the "in love" thing. I love my husband but have never been in love with him. Like I said before I thought I was saving him. He claims that I used to say my ex's name in my sleep. It is possible I guess, so he had to have known that I was never over my ex and that I still had feelings. But anytime I thought about leaving (though I never outright said anything) he would start the whole I don't know if I could live with out you crap. But 10 years later I'm afraid of what he might do if I iniatiate a divorce.

[Jokat]

Ya' I hear you on the divorce thing. I was never scared of my husband but lately he's been getting worse. He was never physically violent till aroud Christmas of this year. We went out one night and he got so drunk he passed out at our friends table. Of course, being him, he pissed himself right there. I was so embarassed!! His so called "friends" love to make fun of him when he gets like that and it makes me feel stupid for even being there with him. I got angry and gave him a push in the chair to try and wake him up. He kind of came too enough to get him to go to the truck so I could take him home but is cousin (the other major drunk) actually had the nerve to get mad at me for being angry with him. He said I was cruel for yelling at him and pushing him to wake him up. I didn't push him that hard! Just kind of gave him a shove to get him to wake up. He didn't even fall from the chair. When we got home I went inside and left him to stumble from the truck alone. I was inside taking off my shoes and he came up the steps and kicked the door. Put a big dent in it! Then he came inside and started yelling at me for no reason. He insisted I was angry and that I was only angry because I was drunk!!! What the hell?? I only had one cooler!! He kept repeating that I was so drunk I didn't know what I was talking about even though it was actually him that was that way! I got mad that he was in my face and acting so foolish I kind of push him on the arm to move him out of my way saying I was going to bed and that's when he got nasty. He grabbed me and threw me on the floor. I told him to stop and he said he was only trying to calm me down! At that point I was so mad that when I got up I gave him a real push this time. He stumbled backwards and fell over a kitchen chair. I went to the bedroom and waited to see what he'd do. I heard him go to the basement so I waited a few minutes and then went downstairs to see what he was doing. He was in the fridge mixing a HUGE glass of voda and soda. Then he went to the couch, turned on the tv and I figured he'd go to sleep so I went to go back upstairs and then he got bugging me to come sit with him. I knew he was gonna' want sex. He never wants sex but every so often he gets to this point in his drunk that he decides he does. This was one of those nights. I told him no and he grabbed my arm and asked why. I told him if he sobered up I'd consider it but not like this. He tried pulling me onto the couch and I wouldn't sit so he got up and tripped over the end of the couch. I was standing right there and there's a pole right next to where I was standing so he made a grab at that to try and break his fall and he smacked me with the palm side of his hand near his wrist right in the face. My cheek bone to be exact. That's when I got angry enough to yell at him. He got this look come over him and he started going on that no one cared about him and that he may as well just die then and there. He went to our room where he keeps his rifle in a lock box in the closet and when I seen what he was doing there was no way I was sticking around. All I could think was what if he decides to actually use it! I ran. I grabbed my jacket, ran outside to the truck took the keys out of it then got in my car and took off. I went to Ryan's house then. By this time it was after midnight. Ryan wasn't home. He was at another party back the road from my house. His mom, being as close to me as she is insisted I stay there. She called Ryan and told him what was going on and then I just couldn't take it. I cried and cried while she sat there and held ice on my face. Then after about 45 minutes I went up to bed. It was probably 3 am by the time Ryan got home. He came up and layed with me all night. He never had to say a word, just him being there was enough. Later he told me he'd stopped at my house to check on my husband because at that point we didn't know what he'd done if anything at all. He said John was passed out cold on the floor downstairs with a beer in his hand. He told me then that he was glad he'd been passed out cause if he'd been awake and had said anything to Ryan I'm sure Ryan would have hurt him. He's not a violent person and hates fighting but he also can't stand anyone hurting me. I had one hell of a black eye the next day! It was all around my left eye right down my cheek bone and all the way to my hairline by my ear. It wasn't pretty and it only got worse before it got better. It took almost 3 weeks to go away. I didn't have the heart to tell my parents what happened with the drinking and stuff but I did tell them John did it, just that he'd tripped and fell and just happened to catch me on the way down. I'd be scared as to what my father would do if he knew John got violent at any point.
The funny thing is he's very responsible as far as his job is concerned. He never misses work and he never drinks during the day when he's at work or home for lunch. He works on a farm not far from our home so he comes home twice a day for breakfast then lunch.
As for AA, there is no group near our home. We live 30 miles from town and I'm not even sure if there's one there. It's a very small town.
John insists he has no problem. He will not admit he's wrong at all.
I'm truely in love with Ryan and I'm finally able to admit that out loud. This forum is the first time I've admitted it to anyone except his mom and dad. They know. His dad is halfway across the country working along with his brother. Ryan stays with his mom here since she can't get anywhere without him. His family is as much my family as my own parents are. I love them all with all my heart.
Like I said, I love John but it's a differnt kind of love now. At one time we were happy but as his true colors started to show things changed. I don't even know anymore if I want to fix things with him. He's not the same person and if my heart is truely elsewhere then is there any point?
The hard thing is the way people are in this community. Everyone knows everyone else and love sticking their noses in where they don't belong. They all talk constantly about Ryan and I now. There's suspicion about my daughter and whether or not she's Ryan's. They talk about us almost constantly and it's been two years almost since I got pregnant! John's mother is also a MAJOR problem. She can and will make my life a living hell if I decided to leave. Especially when they all find out for sure that my daughter is really not John's. John knows and I'm sure if I left it wouldn't be long before he let everyone know.
I'm at a crossroads and not sure where to go at this point.
John had an uncle (his mother's brother) who was a very bad alcoholic like John. His family is always going on and on about how much he's like his uncle. Like they're proud of that or something! This uncle got married, had a couple of children, then is wife got smart and finally got up the nerve to leave him because of the drinking. She moved away and no one ever heard from her again. They knew where she was but she completely cut off contact with him. He didn't even care at that point since liquor was more important. He never seen his kids again. I'm not sure he even tried to see them. He lived here and there and everywhere for the next 10 years or so and finally drank himself to death at only 52 years old. I think John may just end up like that. He has no desire to get help and it doesn't seem to bother him at all that he's hurting me or anyone else.
God, you have no idea how good it feels to tell someone else about this. I've only ever talked to Ryan and his parents about it. It's not something I like to go around telling people considering the way gossip travels around here!