[wannabhappy]

Hi all! I am new here and so happy I found this board. I am finally ready to admit what I knew 10 years ago, that I should not have stayed with my husband or married him. We started dating in 1998. I think he knew I was having thoughts of leaving him, because he started telling me that if I left him he didn't know how he would live with out me. So of course I stayed though I was in love with another man. What I thought of then as saving him, I know now was complete manipulation. But I was young and naive. I actually convinced myself that it was possible to learn to love him. I knew I should have never married him. I just didn't know how to get out of it.
Fast forward 10 years and 2 kids. We have been married for 8 years. While he has never physically beat me, I feel like I have received every other form of abuse I can think of. I should also mention that he is an alcoholic and so is about 90% of his family. Anyways... I have been called every name in the book, I have been forced to quit my job because I couldnt trust him to get up with the kids, I have been humiliated in front of his friends when he was drunk, I've been sexually violated and pressured (I wont go into that here) and intimmidated. The list could go on and on. My kids see this also on occassion.
His family are nothing but enablers. His brother is a bigger alcoholic than he is. One night last fall, his brother got overly intoxicated and got in my face and basically verbally beat me down with anything and everything he could say. I called his parents to come and get him. They knew how he treated me. Well supposedly he apologized to my husband for it, but that is him and not me. I am afraid of him. If he has beat his girlfriend then whats to stop him from doing it to me.When they had a get together I told his mom I wasnt comfortable, and she basically told me that she wasnt there so she didn't know what the story was. I thought if nothing else my husband would stand up for me, but I even question that, since he told me I should just forget about it.
I'm sure many of you are wondering why I haven't left yet. But the truth is I don't know how to get out. I'm afraid of what he may do. He has even threatened to take my kids from me since I'm not the greatest of housekeepers. My parents are also getting ready to help us redo our kitchen. They have already have invested some money in this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think my biggest fear is my kids being left alone with him for any longer than a few hours. If youve made it this far, thanks for letting me vent. I havent really admitted all this to anyone else. I feel a little better just typing it out.