[MomFriend12]

Three weeks ago my daugher, now 23, revealed to me my father molested her when she was a little girl. She can't remember exactly how old she was when it started and it stopped when she was between 9 or 10. My father died 8 years ago so there is no one to confront.
All this happened when we lived in another state where I was raised. My mother sisters, nieces and their families still live there, but I moved over 10 years ago. It appears the abuse stopped around the time one of my nieces accused my father touching her inappropriately. We all thought she had mistaken his motives and now I find out it was true. My daugher admits this is one reason she didn't speak up at the time because she didn't think anyone would believe her either. I knew my father wasn't perfect, but I would never had imagined he would be doing this when my daugher. I'm so angry I want to scream. I want to blame my mother too beside blaming myself for not seeing any signs.
I haven't spoken to anyone else in my family about this because my daugher has asked me not too. I don't know what to do. I think they all should know. I have several nieces who this could also have happened to and they should be able to release their demons and get support from the rest of the family. My mother is not in the best of health now that she is in her mid 70's, but truths need to be know because when its her time to die I can't allow for her to be buried next to this person no one ever really knew.
Please give me any advise how to move forward.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

So sorry for what your daughter & niece went through with the abuse. It was not their fault. It was the adult's fault.

Is it your decision where your mother will be buried? I think it is her decision, actually.

Had you known at the time, you or your mother would have stopped this immediately.

Maybe some counseling would benefit both you and your daughter to help get rid of some of the anger eating away at both of you.

[MissyChrissy]

Originally Posted by QueenAngie

Welcome to the board!

So sorry for what your daughter & niece went through with the abuse. It was not their fault. It was the adult's fault.

Is it your decision where your mother will be buried? I think it is her decision, actually.

Had you known at the time, you or your mother would have stopped this immediately.

Maybe some counseling would benefit both you and your daughter to help get rid of some of the anger eating away at both of you.

ITA. And I don't know why, but I have the feeling that I'd encourage you to seek out the counseling first, before saying anything to the rest of the family. Your father is dead, so there's no time-line for legal stuff to worry about. And your mother...can she cope with it? Will it cause her too much grief? Maybe I am way off base-I've never had to deal with anything like that so I can't say for sure what I would do...but from an outsider's point of view, I do feel bad for your mom if she has to hear this.

I'm so sorry this happened.

[KR258]

I also think you should about it before you tell your mother. Like you said she's not in the best of health and perhaps it would be better to let her live the rest of her life happy. Since her husband is already gone she'll have no one to confront about this either and it will probably just hurt her and may cause too much stress. Support your daughter and if you think you should speak with the rest of the family then include your daughter but I wouldn't tell your mother.

[songbirdxx]

I am new to this board and have been so pleased with the help I have received ,I now wish to return this by trying to reply to posts that move me. I only have time to dip in and out of the site, but on reading about what happened to your daughter and possibly neice I would ask myself are there others.Please understand I am not suggesting you do what I am about to say as I am saying it is what I would do! I would call a private meeting with all close family members including known victims and your mother and as gently as possible disclose what has happened and offer to be an ear to anyone else who may have been affected.This may come as a shock to your mother but there is every possibility she suspects something! I would hold her and tell her she is not to blame for your fathers illness and this does not detract from any happy times you had as a family. Your father was a sick man who received no help,now the victims should be offered the help and support they deserve from both their families and profesionals.Please accept this as an opinion as I understand why many would not agree! What your father did was terrible and although you cannot put every evil act down to sickness ,everyones own situation must surely be taken into account

[MomFriend12]

Thank you all for providing your advise. I have made no decisions and it will probably take me a very long time. For now I'm processing all this information and my own memories. It is a life changing event I would wish no one to go through. I want what's best for my daughter and me for now.
Just a note. I have seeked council and it was helpful.

[nanaboo911]

I almost fell off my chair when I read this. Just minutes ago, I began my own blog about abuse from my own father. A place where others can go just to talk and have their pain validated. Your daughter's story could be my own. Please have her visit my blog...http://survivingfamilysecrets.blogspot.com. Bless and thank you for being there for your daughter. My dad is dead, but Mom is still alive and still not there for me. Sometimes victims need other victims they can relate to. I am praying for both of you.

[mcmama]

Welcome nanaboo911.

You may put a link to your blog in your signature, and that way when you participate in any discussion on our forum, members will see the link to your blog. As they get to know you, they will be interested in visiting your blog. Please link back to families.com in your blogroll.

We ask that you not make any more posts inviting people to look at your blog. We are swamped with folks who do this.

[AussieD]

I'd just finished writing my last blog http://christian.families.com/blog/it-makes-you-think when I saw your post. I can only imagone what you are feeling right now. I guess before you do anything you want to think long and carefully. What will be achieved by bringing it out into the open now since your father has already died?Will it bring closure for you and your daughter and niece? Will it help heal or will it hurt others unnessessarily? I'll be thinking of you and praying for wisdom as you look ahead at what to do next.

[closed]

My daughter was 8 when she told me. It started before she was 3 years old. That was eight years ago. I have not resolved any feelings and still feel anguish , anger and horror. I can't stand the fact that I didn't see the signs and stop it. I have been to some counseling but I have 6 other children and money has been very tight. Counseling costs money.
Needless to say I have huge amounts of empathy for you.
I do encourage you to be truthful with your family. ALL the children in the family should know it is not okay for anyone to touch them inappropriately.This is not something to be ashamed of or to hide. I wish more people, especially parents, where more educated on this issue. I will be following the posts.