[Britguy63]

In opening my heart and soul through this forum, I'm sure I'm also opening a can of worms, but if my marriage is to survive, I need to listen to constructive advise from others who have experienced the kind of hurt that I have inflicted on my wife.

We met whilst we both in previous marriages and after a turbulent affair, which resulted in divorce from our former partners, we have been living together for 6 years, until we married last Summer.

During the last 6 years, we have shared the joy of two wonderful children (plus my wife's Son from her first marriage). We have also lost a child early in pregnancy, I have had career and financial instability, we have moved country and are struggling to settle.

This is merely background to give some context and is by no means intended to be a shroud to protect myself from the wrath of betrayed women everywhere. As I said, I need constructive advise here.

A year into our relationship, I began secretly engaging in erotic discussion with numerous women via online dating sites, which culminated in my arranging to meet one woman. Reality took hold and I did not go through with this meeting. However, the fact that it went this far, was an act which I will regret for all my life.

Shortly after, my wife (then my partner) discovered my activities and thinking I could cover things up, I stupidly denied the facts, deleting temp internet files and cache etc. She is a very smart lady and dug deep into my PC, where she discovered the full extent of my activities. At that time, we attended joint counselling and eventually, with time, we moved on.

Nothing further happened until shortly after our marriage last year, when I began receiving unsolicited MMS picture messages from girls looking for chat, dates and ultimately sex. Having replied to one MMS, this soon became an addiction and I regularly exchanged messages with girls via my mobile. In my mind, this was merely fantasy and at no time did I have any intention of meeting anyone.

Then in December, I did something which I will carry to my grave as the lowest thing I could have done. Our Son was taken ill and spent two nights in our local hospital. I sat with him during the day and my wife sat with him overnight. Meanwhile, I returned home and after receiving another picture message, I began exchanging erotic messages and pictures with one of the girls via my mobile phone. This, whilst our 2 yr old Son was in hospital. Genuinely, I hate myself for this atrocious act and while our Son was okay, the fact that I could disconnect from reality so much to do this, makes me wonder about my values as a human, a husband and a loving parent.

Needless to say, my wife discovered (last February) my latest actions, having seen very large mobile phone bills dating back to last Summer.

Our new life in our new country was supposed to be our 'fresh start', but I have ruined that through my stupidity and weakness.

Now, 7 months after discovering my latest actions, we are at a major cross-roads. Trust has been repeatedly abused and the deep, deep hurt that my wife is suffering, means that our marriage and the future for our children is now seriously on the brink.

I make no excuses for my actions. I did what I did and may end up paying the ultimate price. All I ask, is help in finding a way forward.

We love each other dearly and want the same from our lives and for our children, but the trust that was destroyed, rebuilt and then destroyed again may be too much for my wife to live with.

Please help.

[jkvkdailey]

IMO, you need counseling for an addiction that you can't control. I wish you the best, but cannot provide the kind of help that you need. I hope that things work out for your family - it won't be easy but it will be worth it!

My husband was addicted to gambling and I almost left him before he could destroy our financial future. Luckily, the addiction was dealt with before major damage was done. Going to Gamblers Anonymous was a life-saver for both of us. While it's not exactly the same as your situation, he was addicted and could not control himself. Thankfully, there is help to deal with addictions and there is a good life ahead.

[Britguy63]

Thank you for your comments. I am so very scared right now and will take your advise. Thank you again.

[purelegance]

go back to counseling immediately. do both joint counseling and individual. you are incredibly lucky for your wife to still be sticking around, she is a much better woman than I. you have to find some way to control yourself and take responsibility for your actions (when they happen.. not just after the fact.) Normally i would tell you to take away whatever needs to be so you're not tempted -- but this is on your mobile phone/computer. Sure you can manage without a computer, but in this day & age you kinda need a cell phone. Even removing text messaging wouldn't help, because you're already getting charged outrageous amounts from these companies and that doesn't help you. I would really call around for counselors in the morning and find someway to control your urges.

[Britguy63]

I'm currently online reading about sexual addiction counselling, but where we live in Spain, there's not much help. Are there any online counselling services you know of?

[Tracey with 6]

ther are a couple of online councelors who areusually around on this site, try looking in the forums, I agree you need councelling, what you see as harmless fantasising is far from it, it is good that you seem to realise that now.

[MommyDee]

Beth, one of our bloggers, does online counselling. It would be worth your while to contact her -- if she can't help you directly, she should be able to put you on the right track.

I can't give any personal advice on your situation... But dealing with any form of addiction can take a toll on a relationship. I wish you the best of luck; you obviously love your wife and are willing to seek help, so there is hope.

[mcmama]

You need personal treatment for your sex addiction. As for your marriage, it takes two. She may not be able to trust you again. Deception upon deception kills the marriage. But whether or not your marriage survives, you cannot have an honest open healthy relationship with your family while you are succumbing to an addiction.

You got those MMS messages because of prior activity. They don't just send those to everyone. I don't get them. And there is no way to know who they are sending them to, unless they know the information supplied before. The thing with a porn addiction, they know you got it and they got you. So if you really want to get rid of this, you may need to replace a few things, including your cell number, your hard drive, ip, etc. And that will also have an effect on your family.

[beth]

Hi Britguy,
It's important that you take steps to deal with this addiction, not only to help in saving your marriage, but to save yourself and any future relationships you may enter into. While it is also important to restrict your access to opportunities to indulge your addiction, it is more important to work out what is driving the addictive behaviour in the first place. The fact that you indulged while your son was in hospital indicates that there may be several triggers for this behaviour, one of which may be stress. It is important not only to show your wife that you intend taking steps to change, and to begin to make your actions more transparent to her. But unless you get to the root of the problem, making these changes will be an uphill battle. Discovering the beliefs about yourself that lead you to behave in these ways is imperative for permanent change to occur. If you feel you would benefit from individual online counseling you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com
Best wishes,
Beth

Originally Posted by Britguy63

In opening my heart and soul through this forum, I'm sure I'm also opening a can of worms, but if my marriage is to survive, I need to listen to constructive advise from others who have experienced the kind of hurt that I have inflicted on my wife.

We met whilst we both in previous marriages and after a turbulent affair, which resulted in divorce from our former partners, we have been living together for 6 years, until we married last Summer.

During the last 6 years, we have shared the joy of two wonderful children (plus my wife's Son from her first marriage). We have also lost a child early in pregnancy, I have had career and financial instability, we have moved country and are struggling to settle.

This is merely background to give some context and is by no means intended to be a shroud to protect myself from the wrath of betrayed women everywhere. As I said, I need constructive advise here.

A year into our relationship, I began secretly engaging in erotic discussion with numerous women via online dating sites, which culminated in my arranging to meet one woman. Reality took hold and I did not go through with this meeting. However, the fact that it went this far, was an act which I will regret for all my life.

Shortly after, my wife (then my partner) discovered my activities and thinking I could cover things up, I stupidly denied the facts, deleting temp internet files and cache etc. She is a very smart lady and dug deep into my PC, where she discovered the full extent of my activities. At that time, we attended joint counselling and eventually, with time, we moved on.

Nothing further happened until shortly after our marriage last year, when I began receiving unsolicited MMS picture messages from girls looking for chat, dates and ultimately sex. Having replied to one MMS, this soon became an addiction and I regularly exchanged messages with girls via my mobile. In my mind, this was merely fantasy and at no time did I have any intention of meeting anyone.

Then in December, I did something which I will carry to my grave as the lowest thing I could have done. Our Son was taken ill and spent two nights in our local hospital. I sat with him during the day and my wife sat with him overnight. Meanwhile, I returned home and after receiving another picture message, I began exchanging erotic messages and pictures with one of the girls via my mobile phone. This, whilst our 2 yr old Son was in hospital. Genuinely, I hate myself for this atrocious act and while our Son was okay, the fact that I could disconnect from reality so much to do this, makes me wonder about my values as a human, a husband and a loving parent.

Needless to say, my wife discovered (last February) my latest actions, having seen very large mobile phone bills dating back to last Summer.

Our new life in our new country was supposed to be our 'fresh start', but I have ruined that through my stupidity and weakness.

Now, 7 months after discovering my latest actions, we are at a major cross-roads. Trust has been repeatedly abused and the deep, deep hurt that my wife is suffering, means that our marriage and the future for our children is now seriously on the brink.

I make no excuses for my actions. I did what I did and may end up paying the ultimate price. All I ask, is help in finding a way forward.

We love each other dearly and want the same from our lives and for our children, but the trust that was destroyed, rebuilt and then destroyed again may be too much for my wife to live with.

Please help.

[clifpi]

this is a very sad event and I feel for you both...
Here are my thoughts and yes everyone is different. If you truly have the desire to stop this, you will stop at any and all costs. Remove the computer from your house (or at least the internet access) or have your wife set up a password so only she could use the internet, stop the text messaging capabilities by cancelling the service on your phone. As pride swallowing as that may be, you need to start somehwere. I have gone through this a couple times with an ex who always went online behind my back. Although we are not together now, I learned a ton from the situation.
Counseling is fine and dandy but its nothing compared to the work you need to do outside of the sessions. Understand that counseling is not the end all, cure all. You attend maybe once or twice a week, one hour per session and some have different programs but for the most part, you are on your own. You seem to lack something in your relationship but it is likely within yourself. Recognize what that is (ego, pride, self-esteem) and work on rebuilding it. It takes alot of time and tons and tons of effort. So you really need to want it. Do NOT blame your wife.
You did great by taking responsibility. Many men can't even do that. Right now you feel guilty and that is a natural feeling and it stinks. Don't beat yourself up any more and forgive yourself. Right now, step it up and work on repairing things. Be compassionate to your wife. Listen to her and recognize there are going to be days when it is going to get rough...ride it through. She is going to need you and you are going to need her. Be a team and work on it together. If you put nothing into it, you will get nothing out of it. Again, it is alot of work...be strong..you are the man in your family and everyone looks to you for that strength. I firmly believe people can change but you are not changing by making the same mistakes over and over again. You seem like a good guy inside, leverage that quality to help you make things better. You don't need to move in order to have a fresh start. If you and your wife both want this, you will succeed. Some of th best relationships are ones that can overcome adversity. I wish you the best of luck.