[paiget]

My husband and I view the role of a grandparent differently that my mother-in-law. I would love some feedback from other long distance grandparents out there. Do you see the following as your role:

* I believe a grandmother is a person who should be included in the knowledge and celebration of all milestones in the child's life -- if possible -- whenever possible. (this might include standing, a tooth coming in, etc. at this point)
* I believe a grandmother should be there when special school events occur, i.e. "Grandparent's Day" (clearly Grandparent's Day is ok, but what about all plays, etc.?)
* I believe a grandmother is an advocate for the best possible childhood for her grandchild

Thanks in advance for your input.
Paige

[mrmnmom82]

Are these local grandparents? My father is in town, and my husband's mother is an hr. away and not in the best health. So I think everyones opinion of Grandparent roles is going to be different, because we may all have different circumstances. And I also believe it depends on how well you get along with them.

[paiget]

At this time we do not get along, but are trying to rectify and clarify things. We live in northern CA and they live in AZ, so they are not local.

[DivasMomma]

My parents and my IL's all have different roles--

My mother isnt really in their lives and she lives only 15 mins away. She has only seen Kaydee (7 months) about 3 times. She just isnt into the whole "kids' thing. But she always spoils them--lots of presents on their bdays, holidays, etc.

My father lives with us. He is like the 2nd father. He also loves to spoil them rotten! He has gotten better and telling the oldest to ask me first (after asking him a million times to do so!)

Our IL's live about 45 mins away, but take the girls almost every weekend (usually Friday nights) They buy the girls everything they want, and are very involved in everything we do!

One thing they all have in common is spoiling them rotten

[mrmnmom82]

Our kids like to talk to the far away grandma on the phone. We also have them color pictures and cards for a Greatgrandmother that lives 5 states away. On average, I would say they talk with these grandparents about once a month. I think that's pretty good! If we talk once a week, I feel like there is just nothing to talk about. It's also easier to be nice if you make most of the communication between the kids and the grandparents, that's all they (the grandparents) really care about anyway, right?

This situation works for our family, and I quite like and get along with my Mother in Law. We do also keep her notified of milestones. Really it's mostly parents letting Grandparents know what's going on. I can safely say with all honesty, my MIA doesn't like to have to ask for this info. As a matter of fact her feelings get hurt if she feels like she is being left out of the loop, and isn't being contacted enough. She lives alone, and we understand she gets lonely and really looks forward to seeing and hearing from us and the kids.

I've learned to be more lenient when it comes to snacks and bed times at her house, we only go up once a month, so one late night a month I can handle. I've been lucky to have a MIA that respects my voice when I say "no" to something. That isn't allways the case. If there is something difficult to handle, I let my husband do that since it is his mother. I don't want to be made out to be the bad guy.

[purelegance]

we call my mom Marie Barone (from everybody loves raymond). she lives next door, and knows about everything.

my mil, lives in texas, and her involvement pretty much depends on how well her & DH are getting along that month. when i was pregnant & for the first few months, there was an email just about every day. then it was once a month. i sent her one for izzy's 9 months, the one before then was at 6 months.

my father has passed on & DH's "dad" has never been in his life.

if i could choose, i'd pick a happy medium between our 2 mothers. but only in a perfect world...

[mcmama]

I had long distance grandparents, and it looks like when the time comes I likely will be a long distance grandparent. Like NY-Florida long distance.

One grandfather was dead and the other disabled. One grandmother was senile. My dad's stepmother was a wonderful grandparent, but of course the focus of her life was my disabled grandfather. My remaining grandmother made up for all the attention that none of the other four grandparents could give me.

LOOONG visits. Several weeks stretching into over a month long. Centered around milestones like birthdays, first communion, kindergarten graduation, etc. And she was of invaluable help on one of those visits when my brother became very ill and was hospitalized. My parents were exhausted when they came home from the hospital every night, so my grandma was the special grown up just for me.

She drove my parents crazy most of the time.

It was like having another kid around. She'd go places she wasn't supposed to, buy stuff she wasn't supposed to, and spend money she wasn't supposed to. If my parents took issue with her, she would pout and whine "it's not FAIR...." And I NEVER behaved when she came to visit- because I knew I could get away with it. All I had to do was pout and run behind her skirt (she was a very girly girl type, and liked these flowing skirts) and she would say "AWWWWW..." and give me a hug and that was that. Home free.

We had a large wading pool, and she was the only grownup who would get in it with us. She would make a big production of it too, putting on her bathing cap, her suntan lotion, posing an umbrella for shade. She took up the whole pool and WE LOVED IT. She was the only adult who would let us jump in on top of her and not mind being splashed - and play little water games and sing songs. She made a big deal about the bathing cap, because i had a problem with my ears and had to keep water out of them - so I had to wear one too. And we could make all kinds of games about having tea parties, but as for junk food she would say "you don't want to eat that now do you? NAAAHHH!" And I wouldn't. So she reinforced a lot of good things, and didn't try to be a parent substitute. I think she enjoyed being an elderly kid and playing with us.

I still have the doll clothes she made for my Barbie dolls. Very detailed stitching. Really beautiful. Since her only child was my dad, she never had the chance to play with dolls with a daughter - and she had neices but she was working so not playing too much with them - so I got to be the one and only girl grandchild she played dolls with.

Every child deserves a grandma like mine. And I intend to drive my sons and their wives stark raving just like my grandma did with my parents. I am going to spoil my grandchildren rotten and go places with them and visit and stay too long and let them jump on me and spoil them with presents and fun and songs and games. And just like her, I am going to tell them wherever I am several times a day that I love my special little grandchildren with "all my heart".

[Labhaoise]

Mcmama, your grandma sounds amazing. you were truly blessed to have her in your life.
I think i was blessed with my grandparents too. My dads parents looked after my brother and I when my mum was a work for a couple of months. Nanna A would always give us chocolate and juice whenever we asked, as long as it wasnt near dinner time. they would play games with us and Nanna would make me dough to play with, nearly every time i asked (the only time I remember her saying no was because we were only going to be there for about 15 mins). My Grancha (welsh for grandpa) called me Treas or Treasure, and I can't really describe him, but he was great, he really loved us. My mums parents are also great, Pa will still try and play cricket in the street with us even though he's nealry 80. Nanna R is great too, she's so easy to talk to and about enything as well.
Paige, I do agree with you, but I just want to add that I thinka grandparent's role also is to love their grandchild/ren to bits. just wanted to add, that though being present for milestones is important, it isnt always possible, but they should offer recognition, eg a card or a phonecall

[paiget]

These are actually the roles she believes she should have, but I do not.
I believe as parents we are the advocates for our child's upbringing and she should not interfere with that unless we were actually bad parents (ie: abusive), but not because I give I might wake my child from a nap to keep him on his schedule. I don't think I should have to call every time my son does anything new like picking up a cheerio. However, I am on this board because I want to find out if I am being unreasonable. While grandparents might want these things to happen, is it what takes place? And is that truly what other parents believe should take place? And for the record...I would love it if they would spoil him, but some of what you have referenced is true for spoiling a child and he is just a baby at this point. I think you can spoil them in more and different ways as they grow and understand more.

Thanks for your replies. I would love more.

[Samual]

My parents live in the same village so the kids see them everyday, my mum spoils them rotten, but both my mum and dad more or less stick to our rules, of course they are more lenient, after all grandma's can't say no. Now Franks parents live quite far away so we only see them during the school holidays, so the kids get everything and anything they want when they visit.
We are quite strict on food so we let our parents break that for them, but they are good and don't do it too often, but a bowl of ice cream and a brain freeze is a must.

We always tell them about milestones and things but we don't always invite them to places, every now and again we do but to be fair, I doubt they would be too enthusiastic about being invited to kiddy scream fests every few weeks.
Really both sets of grandparents act as parents just more lenient but make sure the kids don't take advantage. We can trust them so what ever they say goes, a grandma and grandad need to fuel sugar highs and play stupid games.