[ShortMom]

My daughter will be 4 next month. In March I started letting her spend time with her dad again after almost a year of not seeing him. This girl, has been a great child until here recently, I never went through the terrible twos. She was a wonderful baby started sleeping through the night at a month old. If she fell she'd jump right up and dust herself off.
Now here recently, she's started throwing these screaming fits when somethings not going her way. Telling me no and running away when I call her. Destroying the toys that she used to take care of as well as a 3 year can. Last night she found a pair of sissors and gave herself a nice little hair cut.
When I talk to her dad about all this he says that this isn't happening at his house. He says she's not an angel, but she doesn't act near that bad. His wife claims the same. She has told me that Kaitlyn stabbed their dog with a pen though.
He currently is living in the same house as his sister with her 4 unrulely children. Her oldest, 7 year old backtalks and throws temper tantrums and never gets punished for them except for getting yelled at. The next one just turned 4 and is just as bad. Then theres the 1yr old and newborn.
My boyfriend on the other hand has a son that will be 3 in November. Alot of the time he will throw a fit and get whatever he wants.
What I'm wondering is, could it be my boyfriends son influencing her behavior, or is there something going on at her dads. Could it be the arrangement of being with me for a little while then with her dad a little while? Or is this a typical 4 year old testing of her boudaries?

[Alejandros Mommy]

I think it could be a bit of both BUT your daughter has to know this will not be tolerated by you. Believe me it'll be a whole lot easier to get this behaviour delt with now then when she gets older. It isn't going to be easy but it'll be worth it.

One thing you can do is take the toys she loves away...esp if she is throwing them all over the place...tell her she will not be allowed to have them until she proves that she can take care of them...then ( quote Val) "let her see you take them away". She will then see you are serious...she may have a tanturm but do not give in. That is the Key to kids. Once you give in a method Will not work. You can also take things such as TV time away....anything that she is interested in..she is at a age that she does know better...don't fool yourself to thinking she is too little.

Even if she is allowed to be this way when she is not at your house she will know that she has to behave a certain way when she is with you. Consstency is the key. You can also start giving her small chores to do...such as putting her clothes in the laundry room each night...making her bed (it doesn't have to be perfect). Putting toys away...helping you set up the table. Include her in you life.

We have a saying in my house..."you are part our family and will contribute to it".

Good luck.

oh...just wanted to add...she also may be acting this way because she is not the center of attention at your ex's house...you need to have a chat with him and his s/o about how to get her to feel included. Stabbing the dog is not acceptable behavior.

[QueenAngie]

Definitely something is going on now with your daughter.

Have to agree with Lessly, consistency in parenting rules
and positive/negative rewards every single time are important.

She has recently added a new father, his wife, auntie, cousins,
your new boyfriend, & his child. That's a lot of new people and experiences in her life. The rules and family dynamics are now
much different for her.

She needs consistency in your home with your rules.
Maybe some one-on-one with her Mama too.

I have to say, if you don't get things situationed now, waiting
10 years for her to be a teenager, everybody will be simply miserable.

(((Hugs)))

[ShortMom]

She has had her dad in her life before and his wife. I refused to let him take her after she turned two and he disappeared to oklahoma with her for a few weeks. I didn't let him see her until I had papers saying he had to bring her back or the law would actually do something. He has been married to his wife for almost 3 years now and I have had my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I used to live where he is until she was two, so she already knew these cousins and aunts and uncles and step mom. Thank you for all the advice though. I'm going to try to get this nipped in the bud now.

[QueenAngie]

I was thinking the family members were all new.......
Thank you for clarifying this.

If my ex ran off with my child, I would be furious!
That had to be very, very upsetting for you and for her.

[ShortMom]

It was very upsetting, I'm just glad that she wan't really old enough to know what was wrong. She had just turned 2 when it happened.

Yesterday I had asked her to pick up her toys so we could go bye bye and she told me no. Finally I got her to start and she picked up a few things and decided she was done. I told her that if she didn't get the rest of them picked up I would take them away. She picked up a few more and said she was done. So I got a trash bag and threw the rest that were left out in it. She wasn't phased by the whole thing until she saw I took her books that weren't back on her shelf. Then she started throwing a temper tantrum until she realized I wasn't kidding. Now she keeps asking when shes going to get them back and telling everyone mommy threw her toys away.

I feel bad, but I know it will be better in the long run if this actually curbs her bad behavior.

[mommy2067]

I agree with everything that Lessly and QueenAngie have said and I just want to add my 2 cents...

When my son was little and he would go to his dad's he would come back from a w/e with him and have a meltdown...I think part of the reason being couldn't really express himself at his dad's...he couldn't just be himself...so I got the brunt of it all...which was hard to deal with (parental guilt and all)but after he was allowed to vent a little and he knew that his behaviour or outburst/tantrum was not acceptable we could get back on track again...It took me a while to make the connection though and it didn't help hearing from his dad and stepmom "well he never behaves like that here"...well he repressed so much it all exploded when he would get home...anyway...that is my take on it....

But as stated what will be tolerated/accepted needs to be explained to her..consistency is best but not always easy....it takes time...Sometimes what is frustrating too is what works best once may not work again...so you just do your best...You find what works and stick with it...might be a bit of trial and error though...

I too have done the "boxing/bagging up the toys" until they are ready to cooperate or earn them back...I also used to make a game of putting them away...We would sing a tidy up song or it would be a race to see how fast things could be put away ...all of these made the task a little more fun...less daunting and believe it or not 9 times out of 10 the job got done...!!