[TullyLetto]

To cut a very long story short, from as young as I can remember until the age of 11, I was sexually abused by my father. As I didn't see a great deal of my mother and we lived in a remote community, I felt I had no real way of escaping the abuse as I knew there was nowhere to go.
The abuse ceased when i began menstruating as "we don't want anybody finding out now do we" (in his words). A year after this I somehow found the courage to tell my mother, and from that moment 4ward was a blur of me being pulled from school by the police and moved into my mother's without seeing my father again. A court case was initiated, although no charges were laid as "there was not enough evidence". Needless to say i went through a number of years of emotional turmoil, hopped up on depression medications and whatever else I could find at the time to take the edge off.
By the time I was 16 I realised my mother was a chronic alcoholic and had to find a place of my own. At the time she was a lesbian, but has now started dating men again. She has now been through rehab and we have begun to get our relationship back on track.
I am now 19 and feel like I am living somewhat of a normal life on the outside, although on the inside I'm still feeling incredibly confused, hurt, guilty and upset, all of the feelings I thought would be long gone by now. My partner of two years is incredibly supporting of everything I do, and although he knows about my childhood, I know he does not fully understand and therefore I feel like I am sometimes an emotional burden on him. In the beginning of our relationship our the intimacy level was fine and I had no real problems with sex, although in the last 18 months I can't bring myself to do and I have to force myself because I know it is unfair for my partner to "go without". During sex I feel sick, trapped and generally emotionally uncomfortable. On top of this I still think about the abuse on a regular basis, and recently every day. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane, I can't think and I just break down in tears, and probably one day out of every two weeks I contemplate the thought of ending it all I just feel so terrible.
Since I was 15 I have wanted to go ans see my father and confront him. I want him to acknowledge that all of this really happened and that he was wrong and apologise. I really feel like this might help me. But as a child I knew him as an angry man and I really have absolutely no idea of what his response will be. Will he slam the door in my face? Call me a lying sl*t as he had told our family friends at the time of the case? will he break down? I just want him to acknowledge it happened.
I know that therapy might help, but I'm finding it very hard to take the 1st steps. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Do you think it might help to see him? Any opinions would be forever appreciated.
I can't take it anymore, I'm at a loose end here.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

I am very sorry that you had to endure this abuse as a child.
It is NEVER the child's fault. It is the fault of the abuser.
In this case, your own father.

You did have the courage to tell and I am proud of you for doing so. That took much inner strength on your part.

If you are thinking about this daily and it is affecting your intimate side of life, it is time to go get some more counseling to work through these memories.

Yes, confronting your abuser at some point may be what you wish to do. I am thinking that you should wait until you are stronger before seeking him out for this confrontation. Today is not that day. It may not even be there year. But, something for the future.

I am also an advocate of journaling. Daily, begin writing your thoughts and concerns, as well as the positives in your life.
Helps to actually get it down in black and white on paper.

Another healing method is to write your father a long, detailed letter.
Fold it and put it away. You could show it to your counselor.
Do not mail it at this point, just wait.

Wishing you all the best!

[mcmama]

Sometimes in therapy it is recommended that you confront your abuser. I think at your age you should wait.

You are likely not going to hear "I'm sorry". You are likely going to get no affirmation at all. You may hear flat denial that it ever happened, or some kind of stupid explanation spoken in pretzel logic of how he really couldn't help himself or blame you.

You need to get to a point where you are more self affirmed for who you are, rather than for what the abuser can confirm for you.

You mention your mom in bisexual relationships, and since I have some experience as the heterosexual ex wife of a closeted gay man, I want to comment on some of the issues our children face when a parent's sexuality seems to go one way and then another. Your mom did NOT make your dad abusive. And your dad and his abuse did NOT make your mom lesbian or bisexual. Some abused women do find solace in sexual relationships with other women, if they are already inclined toward this. But abuse will not make a woman who does not have this inclination gravitate toward it. Sounds like your mom is trying to recover, and looking for the relationship that will complement her strengths. Your moms life and choices are hers - and your life is your own. It is good you are back on track with her.

As far as you are concerned, the best thing to do for yourself at 19 is concentrate on who you are, what you like to do, and being the best you that you can be. You really have to build yourself up to yourself, and also associate with people who will affirm you positively. I am sure you have a profound anger at your father. This is healthy! Do not let the anger dominate your life. Don't turn it inward on yourself, either.

I'm angry just hearing your story. I'd like to give him a good swift kick in the pair! (but, ugh, maybe he'd enjoy that!) But that wouldn't help you, or me, or him. So we find other outlets for our anger. For some people it is exercise, for some it is doing some project that engages them. (And for some of us, it is a potty mouth!!!)

I think the hurt is too close for you right now, and if your abusive father sees that you NEED him to acknowledge, he will likely take the opportunity to cut you down more. So you should not seek a confrontation or meeting with him until you know that you have your own validation from within, are stronger, and not quite so dizzy from all the confusion in your life - which is not your fault. If I were you, I would stay away from him, and from anyone who thinks that maybe he should come back into your life.

All the people I have known who survived childhood sexual abuse tell me that the key is first to take the time to heal and love yourself - your ability to have a satisfying sexual relationship or marriage improves once that happens. And at 19, I know you don't want to hear this, but it really takes TIME. You have a lot of that ahead of you, and I know you will succeed, since you are so honest and self aware. Please let us know how you are doing, and feel free to contribute to any of our other discussions.

[TullyLetto]

Thank you for your responses mcmama and QueenAngie, you've both given me food for thought. You've both mentioned that you think it might not be the healthiest idea to see my father at this point in time. I know that my current emotional state may not be ideal for a confrontation, but considering it has been 8 years since the last abuse, I really feel like to some extent that I will always be 'this way', not to mention the fact that he's getting older and may die someday soon, and my chance to speak with him will be out the window for good. Therefore the way I see it, it's now or never. Although I do understand what your both saying, I know that if I see him I don't know if I'll be able to hold myself together - hence my predicament.
As for my mother being straight-turned-gay-turned-straight again, I in no way blame her for abuse or judge her for her life choices, I was just trying to illustrate the emotional upheavel I went through as a teen. But she has deifinitely gained her life back and is doing well, and I commend her for that.
I do have activites that I try to mmerse myself in, I'm creative with sewing, beading, quilting etc, and I also put a great deal of energy in at the gym, where I feel I can burn off a lot of negative energy. But it's just no enough. I can't help but think, what kind of great person could I have been given the opportunity as a child?
I have also considered journaling, and I do think that would help me a great deal. My focus for the next 4-6 years is studying to become a psychologist/therapist, and I know that I can't help others much without being 100% mentally balanced myself.
I have decided that I will try therapy, combined with journal writing and see how it works. Any suggestions on how to find a good, experienced therapist?

[beth]

Originally Posted by TullyLetto

Thank you for your responses mcmama and QueenAngie, you've both given me food for thought. You've both mentioned that you think it might not be the healthiest idea to see my father at this point in time. I know that my current emotional state may not be ideal for a confrontation, but considering it has been 8 years since the last abuse, I really feel like to some extent that I will always be 'this way', not to mention the fact that he's getting older and may die someday soon, and my chance to speak with him will be out the window for good. Therefore the way I see it, it's now or never. Although I do understand what your both saying, I know that if I see him I don't know if I'll be able to hold myself together - hence my predicament.
As for my mother being straight-turned-gay-turned-straight again, I in no way blame her for abuse or judge her for her life choices, I was just trying to illustrate the emotional upheavel I went through as a teen. But she has deifinitely gained her life back and is doing well, and I commend her for that.
I do have activites that I try to mmerse myself in, I'm creative with sewing, beading, quilting etc, and I also put a great deal of energy in at the gym, where I feel I can burn off a lot of negative energy. But it's just no enough. I can't help but think, what kind of great person could I have been given the opportunity as a child?
I have also considered journaling, and I do think that would help me a great deal. My focus for the next 4-6 years is studying to become a psychologist/therapist, and I know that I can't help others much without being 100% mentally balanced myself.
I have decided that I will try therapy, combined with journal writing and see how it works. Any suggestions on how to find a good, experienced therapist?

Hi Tully,
Overcoming the guilt and pain of sexual abuse can be quite painful in itself as you work through the experience of looking at the beliefs that have arisen because of the abuse and the feelings that are causing you problems today. I have written several blogs for Families on the subject of dealing with the fallout of sexual abuse. You can find them here.
As for confronting your father, either in person or by letter, I do understand your need for him to admit that it did happen and take responsibility for it. However, you have to deal with the possibilty that that may never happen. Therefore I would advise you to think about what it is you hope to acheive by confronting him at the moment. I'm not saying don't do it, but I am saying you need to be doing it for the right reasons otherwise you run the risk of being revictimized again. Therapy will help determine the right timing and the right reasons, or your need to do it at all once you have dealt with the many issues that surround sexual assault. Plaese contact me if you feel you would benefit from working on the feelings and beliefs you have about your parents and this incident. I wish you well in your endeavors.