[bluesapphire7788]

Very grateful for the wonderful advice!

[mcmama]

She's 18 - but how old are you? Seems to me you have done a lot for this family over the years. Even though you are not connected via the Big sister program, do they have any support groups for you, or advice?

You really jumped in here, giving a young woman a positive role model of success and responsibility. And it has taken over a lot of your life.

This young lady has drug problems, drinking problems - and I think you probably are dealing with the stuff that families of addicts deal with because of all the manipulation. You might want to consult al anon, even though she may not be quite an alcoholic - she's got some substance issues. She is certainly self destructive, despite all the building blocks you have supplied her with for a good foundation.

She sees you as a parent, so she is going to rebel and manipulate, and play one against the other. The attitude of her birthfamily about success must hurt her deeply.

The important thing is that you are in charge, you are the adult, and your limits need to be respected. That's the first place you start from.

If you are not already receiving counseling for yourself, you would benefit from it. This is tearing up your life, and you are going to have to make some decisions, set some boundaries, and generally get a better understanding of what is going on with both her and you.

It is very difficult to get involved in helping other people one on one to the extent that you have - and the risk is that you can really get chewed up. YOu are'nt good for anyone then, so take care of yourself.

[fostermommy]

Blessings to you for the work you have done and continue to do to help this child. Parenting a teenager is absolutely exhausting. I can't imagine trying to parent a teenager whose own parents refuse to or are incapable of parenting themselves. I am a parent of children age 18, 17, and 12. I have also been through extensive training for foster parenting - However, we only foster babies ------for the exact reason you describe here. Through my own parenting experience, I have learned that "successful" parenting is 50% hard work, and 50% luck. Honestly. Through my foster care training and experience, I have learned that children are a product of the genes and their environment. Pluck a child out of a family where education is not highly regarded, substance abuse is rampant, and physical/sexual abuse is common.............and although a positive role model is provided, material needs are met, and a healthy environment is provided...........these kids are still much more likely to adopt the attitudes and problems of their birth family. Take a step back and look at where this girl would likely have been without your involvement. Due to your diligence and commitment, she has achieved graduation from high school, and has been blessed to experience the joy of realizing her full potential for the last 2 years of school. She has not had a baby. She has not been arrested. She has not been the victim of a violent crime. Without your help, how likely is it that she could say this??? When my son turned 18, I also freed the reigns. I'm proud to say that, I think, he's been pretty responsible in terms of driving and staying away from drugs and alcohol. However, he's made some really foolish decisions regarding money and has lied to us about serious financial issues. So...........18 or not, I pulled those reigns right back in. But only as it relates to financial issues. My simple comment..........."as long as you remain financially dependent upon me.......you will follow my rules and do as I say in regards to finances. When you show me you can handle it and can be honest, you will, once again, have the adult privileges and responsibilities that come with it." I don't believe that 18 is a magic age. I think that even 18 year olds crave a bit of parenting, setting limits and boundaries, etc. I think that simply becoming an adult "overnight" is really quite scary for them. My son showed me that he was ready for adult responsibilities when it came to curfews, driving, being out with friends, etc. So - I don't need to parent him in that area any longer. But he was not ready to be an adult when it came to finances. So - I'm here to parent him.
Because of your LS's experience with her birth family and her genetic predisposition, she may have to go through some tough times in terms of learning the hard way. More than anything else, she needs to know when you approve and when you disapprove. She needs to know you love her nomatter what, but that doesn't mean saving her from her own consequences. Really celebrate the successes - nomatter how small. MANY, many kids experiment with alcohol and do foolish things as a result. I'm not making excuses here for her. But hopefully it's just a phase that will pass. If she's drinking and driving, drinking to the point of needing medical attention, or drinking all the time, the counseling is in order.
When my son was an early teen and I was concerned about the friends he was hanging with, I decided to encourage him to host parties at our house. Yes - believe it or not - we had 20-30 teens filling up our house a couple times a month. I let them play their music as loud as they wanted, I turned a deaf ear to the language, let them put their feet on the furniture, ordered pizza, and let them have a great time. But I knew that there was no alcohol or drug use going on. These kids learned that they could have a great time without that, and my husband and I enjoyed getting to know and understand his friends a little better.
Perhaps all the "adult" expectations are a bit too much for her? Would it be possible that a college grade report with a 2.5 or higher GPA could substitute for rent?? She then could make the choice. I agree that sharing of house duties should be expected.
Your LS has a difficult task - trying to figure out who the parent really is here. She has a born allegiance to those who are least supportive and most destructive - her birth family. But she also has a commitment to you - and I think it's awesome that she's chosen to stick with you even when you have set limits, voiced your disapproval, etc. Nomatter what happens down the road - please always know that you have made a HUGE difference in this girl's life!! Things may turn out OK. Things may get really bad -------but turn out OK down the road. Just make sure she knows that you're still there for her. ----- To stand beside her when she faces her consequences --- not shielding her, but supporting her. And - yes - I agree - take care of yourself. YOU are not responsible for this child. She is responsible for her own actions. God bless..........

[bluesapphire7788]

Very grateful for the wonderful advice!