[tmwhalens]

I am really curious about something. If a Christian is 'separated' from his or her spouse, is it okay to 'look' for another mate? Since my wife has not communicated with me at all since 12/04/08, and I DO love her dearly, I have begun to wonder whether God says it is okay for me to look for another partner. What would be a reasonable amount of time before it is clear as a bell that the only thing permanently separating my wife and I is the divorce? I would feel terrible about hurting both women if it turned out that my wife wanted to get back with me, and yet I feel very lonely with no companion to spend my time with. I have commited adultery (with other men), but I don't want to do that anymore. And, wouldn't finding another companion before a divorce has taken place (even if she isn't living anywhere near me) be considered adultery?

[mcmama]

If I were you, I would take my time about that. You seem to be on the rebound from this, and rebound relationships usually don't work out very well. 12/4/08 isn't really very long. Do you want a relationship, or just sex?

You may not realize it, but you are vulnerable right now. Stay safe and build your new life one day at a time. Get involved with a church or a social group, reach out and make new friends.

Given what you have experienced, I would say to avoid having a relationship with a woman right now. I know the lonliness is difficult. But you will get through it.

[tmwhalens]

I have been going to church for about a month now. But, you know, you're right, I need to make friends. So far that doesn't seem to be happening from within the church. But the members there don't really know me, and I would say that I'm still a bit shy and abrasive (both things I feel God will help me to resolve in due time, and through some Christian counseling). I have been thinking about joining some groups, but I'm not really sure where to start looking. Today I raked some leaves from the church's landscaping, but that's volunteering, something I have wanted to do for a long, long time. Other than getting close to my family again, I feel very lonely. I am about to start working again, so who knows....maybe I will find a friend there? I'm not really sure if it's sex that I am looking for, or just friendship. I would feel VERY GUILTY having sex with another woman while still married, and maybe even so after the impending divorce. I will always love my wife, she and I were like two peas in a pod.

[Alexciousa]

Your connection to your wife is waning but there is still a technical connection that could catch you. I don't think there is anything wrong with looking, but with the same amount of commitment with your wife reversed. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me. What I mean is, allowing yourself to think about other people is a healthy thing I think, it was something I did that really helped me break if off properly in a couple of unhealthy situations.
Aside from this I am so glad you made the decision not to do the wrong thing with other men. I too have had this kind of problem, and have been told many a time by people who openly practise same sex relationships that I should be "true to myself".
If I were true to myself in that regard, the only thing I would be being true to is my downstairs parts. This lowers me to about the level of, let me see, an ape. Not that I regard my gay and lesbian friends as apes. :P
But we don't have to just follow our impulses just because-because. If I were to do that, there go the wonderful images of happy loving marriage (that's not just about sex) that I've had snce I was a little girl, there goes my chance to have a gender balanced relationship with a man, the chance to be the little spoon. I was born a woman, and I'm not going to be something I'm mostly not just because the minority of my body says "go wild!"
wow that was long. sry I just have a lot to say on the subject, I'm not preaching to anybody.
I hope that everything works out, no matter what happens, know that God cares.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

So sorry you are going through a separation and divorce. That is painful.
Good to hear that you are going to church again.

Never been divorced myself, but I was thinking that if you are still married, ought to wait and give yourself some time.

Wishing you all the best.

[tmwhalens]

I have been living in Boston now, for over a month. I had left Kentucky in late January, stayed with family and friends in Florida, then decided that the culture down there (including the hot weather and 'touristy feel') wasn't for me. So....I headed north to the New England area. Ah, the good ol' New England area Anyway....I have an attorney now and have been in therapy dealing with gender issues, and really putting focus on resolving my feelings of anxiety and depression. I am now coming to the realization that I may indeed by trans-gender, but that THAT was not the reason for my problems in life. My problems were in developing and maintaining relationships, and dealing with unforseen circumstances. Those types of things have nothing to do with gender identity. So.....I have been off the testosterone-blocker and estrogen-creator since my wife left out of fear of what I was becoming, and plan on learning to love me on the INSIDE first, before dealing with anything on the outside. I have also come to find that the people that I thought were my friends and supporters (therapist for gender issues in Kentucky, the GLBT community in general) all disappeared when the going got rough. They were all there to go "rah, rah, rah!!!!" when I was talking about transitioning. When I began talking about "What the hell just happened to my family?!?" they said "Oh, well, can't help you there, buh-bye!". So, I'm looking at going on medications, and continuing therapy, to treat anxiety and depression (one of the therapists i am seeing says she thinks i have might have ADHD because I have trouble focusing and finishing projects, and frequently feeling bored). I do wonder if ADHD is being over-diagnosed, since I AM 36 years old and wouldn't SOMEONE have mentioned this to me earlier in my life??? Anyway.....I have an attorney, and now I'm working on getting my wife to come sit at the table and discuss things like visitation, custody and our marriage. I still love her VERY MUCH.