[noelle37]

Hi, I'm new to this and wasn't sure where to post this. I'll try to make this short and sweet. Because of my mother's alcoholism, I had to become the legal guardian of my 2 brothers about 3 yrs ago. I am 37 and they are now 19 & 20. Because of the situation, I practically raised them and provided for them. My children, now 10 & 12 are very close to them. I moved out of NY and into NJ 6 yrs ago and my brothers who still attended school in NY had to commute with my husband everyday. Well as they became older, about the age of 16 or so, they of course were able to take care of themselves and didn't really have to stay with me anymore and stood home with my mom more. She now has alcohol induced dementia. About 2 or 3 months ago, I had a rude awakening from one of my brothers that I was trying to control his life (he was having girlfriend issues). Well that comment hit me hard and I became very sad...but he was right. I couldn't handle that they were older now and didnt need me as much. I am seeing a social worker and reading a book on letting go...but it doesn't always work. I only hear from them if I contact them, they are so into their own world that it really hurts me. I haven't told them this and don't plan to. My husband says it is who they are and that they are teenagers turning into men..but I feel so left out now. Any advice/comments?

[Alejandros Mommy]

what you are going through is completly normal. Can you ask them to come over on holidays? When my Dh left home at 19 for school he always went back for holidays.

[wanna be a young mother]

My mother-in-law is like that. It was VERY hard for her to let Dh move out at 18yr. She did (still does) control a lot of his life. My advice is to take a step back and let them live. I promise you that in a few years they will come back. They just need that "away" time to grow up and do things on their own. Now that we have a family of our own Dh is more into his own family and likes to spend a lot more time at home with his mom. Just give them some time and they will come around.

[noelle37]

Thanks for responding. I have been successful at having them over for most holidays, but I know as they get older and more serious with their girlfriends that might not happen as often. What does Dh stand for?

[Alejandros Mommy]

Dear husband Glad we could help

[noelle37]

oh ok did your Dh ever resent his mother for being controlling with him?

[Alejandros Mommy]

His mom had a hard time letting him go because he was the baby....My Dh went to school and in the summers he would go back home and work to pay for the next school year. When we started to date I felt like his mom was a bit jelous of me at times as he was always at my home.

The day before we got married she told me I was lucky to be married to someone like Dh and made me feel like I was unworthy of him. To this day I remember that feeling.....wierd as I was the one who supported Dh when he was going through school....I paid all the bills and food...everything. His last year he didn't work at all.

I suggest "backing off" a bit. You'll loose the relatioship you have with your "sons" if you don't.....they will appreciate it and remember. They will come back to show off their 'girl friends' and more. They will include you in their lives....the relatioship will just be different. Also be nice to their g-friends....you don't know which one they will marry.


I don't think my Dh resents his mom.....I think he just resents the fact that he has worked so hard and his sis doesn't and gets everything handed to her by my in-laws. Hefeels that they don't tell him what a great job he has done with his life

[noelle37]

Your absolutely right...I do need to back off and I have been trying...it's very hard but I know it's the right thing to do. I do always make sure to be very nice to the girlfriends because I don't want them to dislike me in anyway. Thanks again!

[oweirdo]

Originally Posted by Aiden&Alejandros Mommy

Dear husband Glad we could help

at least most of the time it means dear sometimes other "d" words can be inserted

[wanna be a young mother]

Oh Lessly your MIL sounds like mine. When we told her we were getting married she told me "I dont see you making my son happy"! Nasty women! My dh doesn't resent his mother either. Actually they still have the same relationship. It's me who suffers.