[slygirrl]

Okay so I have obviously learned nothing from my last post in here..... Dh tells me today (after we argued a bit about some girl he's friends with- I know this girl and I don't like the relationship) that he slept with this girl twice. Once last year (which would mean I was pregnant with Skylar when he did) and another time 2 years ago. He says a lot of shady stuff in the heat of the battle (things like this have been said before but not about her and usually he ends up retracting it saying he was just feeding into what I was accusing him of, this time however he is sticking to his story saying it's true). So I texted Miss Thing and asked her what was up with that? I was not demanding or mean, her and I know how to deal with eachother when we do talk and we are civil about things. She said it never happened and why is he doing this? I said I didn't know blah blah blah. He also said his "best friend" who I'm friends with too knew about it so I called him and asked him what he knew about the deal, he said he knew DH hung out with this girl but didn't know what had happened.....

Okay so I thought DH was lying at first.. now I wasn't so sure (the best friend and I are very close as well and he has nothing to gain by lying to me and never has lied to me in the entire 8 years I have known him) so I ask the girl (we're still texting while this is going on) have you ever hung out with him behind my back? She said two instances where once he had asked her to go have drinks and she didn't go and another time (on our anniversary no less) that he had stopped back by the bar after I went home with the kids (she works there). So I'm kind of fiddle fartin around asking her stuff and whatever and she's not really evasive, her answers are relatively truthful from what I am gathering. Like I asked her did he send her a message on myspace the other night after we left the bar (I already knew he did but I wanted to see if she would say yes) and she said yeah he wanted to hang out (which was true the message said "You and I should just hang out sometime if you know what I mean") I asked her what the second half meant and she said she didn't know and was just going to ignore it (which she basically did because she hasn't responded to him at all)

I dunno... I don't know whether to be angry or not because now I really don't know who's lying, and it's stupid-- why am I going through this at all? Dh said to me after he said he slept with her "You going to divorce me now?" I was like "Eh, nah...." He was like "Why not?" I go "Cause that's what you want me to do and I'm not going to. However you have just given me a green light to go do it to you now" Which is childish and maybe I shouldn't have said it, but part of me thinks I should do it just to get back at him (I am soooo not this person normally).... I'm just fed up. He thinks if he feeds me these lines of crap I'm going to snap on the other party involved, well that backfired now didn't it? Her and I talked about it civilly, now we're done. Maybe she lied to me too, I'll never know (until she sends him a message on myspace- I have access to his account- reaming his rear for starting all of this, or possibly acknowledging that it did happen, that has yet to be seen) Ughhh I figured out I married the wrong person days before this ever happened, I guess this just proves that theory now doesn't it?

[MiaCamille]

well do you really want to be in a relationship with a man that lies to you? cheat or no cheat he doesn't care about hurting you by telling you all that stuff, why stay?? i know with 3 kids it's no way easy but i mean you deserve better than that....

[jadis]

Originally Posted by MiaCamille

well do you really want to be in a relationship with a man that lies to you? cheat or no cheat he doesn't care about hurting you by telling you all that stuff, why stay?? i know with 3 kids it's no way easy but i mean you deserve better than that....

I totally completely agree.

I also hate to say it, but it sounds like he is trying to give you excuses to divorce him so he doesn't look like the bad guy for leaving his family, and can say it was YOUR decision.

You boys don't need to see their dad cheating and being disrespectful towards their mom and thinking it's okay....and your little girl doesn't need to see her mom stay with someone who isn't treating her like a husband should treat a wife.

Goodluck with everything- I just think you deserve so much better.

[selfhelpqueen]

Can you say sabotage? I wonder why he's sabotaging your marriage. Did this attitude come on suddenly or has he always said stuff like this about whatever is going on? If it is a sudden thing then I'm guessing he is feeling guilty about something.

Good luck!

[mcmama]

Sweetie, you are going to drive yourself crazy with all this checking up. And it has a way of backfiring. The main thing is between you and him.

You are the mother of his children. He ought to have more respect for that. And if he doesn't - HIS LOSS. How much longer can you be the best you that you can be for yourself and for your children being torn up like this? It has to be resolved.

Now is the time to ask yourself - what do you want to do?

[quagmire8]

i agree with pp...you deserve so much better, and so do your kids....(((hugs)))

[slygirrl]

I just had a long conversation with someone and honestly when I talk about stuff like this I feel like it makes me look foolish (not like I caused it, but moreso because I look like the moron for staying around) and I usually cry. I'm at a point where there are no tears. I've been warned repeatedly about what happens when you hit apathy.... I think I hit apathy. I don't think I love him anymore. How can I? I tell myself every day that there is someone else out there who will treat me with the respect I deserve (not that I plan on getting into a relationship ANY time in the remotely near future). People who love people for real don't do them dirty like that. And for the pp who asked if this is "all if a sudden" no. This has been thrown in my face a few times with a few different people. He's done this before during fights, then we hit the "honeymoon" part of the circle we live in and he says "Oh I was just mad it wasn't true" You can only hear it so many times, plus I think this time it really did happen so it doesn't matter.

I'm not stupid I promise, maybe a little dense, but how does it backfire? The only times I've had it backfire is when I've gotten caught trying to be secretive about what I know, I'm not even bothering with that anymore. The "I should do it too" thing, I can see that clearly backfiring, so I think I'm blowing off steam saying that I would go out and cheat on him too just to get back at him. I wouldn't honestly do it anyway. I'm not that kind of person (plus I'm way too emotional to have a one night fling for retaliation- I don't have a "no-strings attatched bone in my body- EVERYTHING has strings with me)

Maybe the only reaosn I stay (which isn't healthy either) is because I'm afraid of going it alone. Not that I wouldn't have people there for me cause I would, everyone understands why I want out, including my own MIL. And you're right my kids don't need to see this because my main objective is to get them to NOT turn out like him. I want them to be better than me too, so staying around to be treated this way really isn't an option anymore. I can talk all day long about how I want to leave, it's just following through now.

I do have one question: Everyone keeps saying find a good lawyer.... How do you know you've found a "good" one? I'm not from Illinois so I know nothing about attorneys over here. I have plenty of names of lawyers, but it would only benefit me if I was still in Missouri. You interview them, I get that, but what are you supposed to look for in qualifying them as "good"?

I'd say I'm broken hearted and I'm a wreck now but ya know what? I don't feel any different knowing this now than I did yesterday when I didn't. Guess that's how I know I hit apathy huh?

[jadis]

Yep- you've hit apathy. But it's only a bad thing if you aren't going to do anything about it. It sounds like you have made your decision, and even though it scares the crap out of you (understandably), you need to follow through.

About finding a good lawyer- do you have any friends/acquaintances in your area? You can always ask them if they know of a lawyer that they have had positive experiences with. Even if that lawyer does not handle divorces, they can give you a referral to someone who does (good lawyers will rarely refer you to a bad one). Also, do you have a local women's centre? They can be a great resource for you, and may have some lawyers to recommend. It may be worth looking into as well for yourself as a newly single mom with three kids.

Goodluck with everything- and I think it's GREAT that you have decided you have had enough. I know for myself I would rather be alone and happy than with someone who makes me unhappy. And when you are ready, you WILL find someone who will treat you like women are meant to be treated.

[mcmama]

Checking up on cheating backfires two ways. One is that all the people you are checking with who may or may not be involved think you have flipped and tell your husband. The other is that you spend entirely too much energy checking all this out.

I found that checking up is only good as far as confirming that you know what you know - for yourself. And once you know it, you have to decide what to do about it.

Usually cheaters don't do what we would like them to do when confronted with all our evidence. They deny it, or they say yeah, so what, or they make it out to be your fault, or they see that this is how they get you going, and just keep it up to drive you nuts.

So you know what you know - you trust your gut - SOMETHING is wrong, whether it is with this woman or that one - or whether he is telling you the truth. And the bottom line is, you deserve better than having your life taken up by this.

Moving on is a bit scary, especially with kids. But life does get better once you deal with this problem, either by reconciling or divorcing.

As for lawyers, find one that specializes in family law. Sounds like you could have some difficulties here, and you want one who is adept at cutting through the crap. The lawyer who did your uncle's will and helped your brother sell his house and fished your neighbor out of the drunk tank and also does divorces is not as good a choice as the lawyer who only does family law.

[selfhelpqueen]

Hey, that's a good example of a good lawyer vs. bad lawyer. Kind of sounds like Ed, the bowling alley lawyer. Kind of makes me think of a buffet.

My thoughts may seem silly, sg, so bear w/ me. I'm gonna play devil's advocate here for a little bit. I keep hearing you say that you're done feeling this way. You're done being treated this way. You're done with this kind of behavior. What I haven't heard is that you are done w/ him...other than you have hit a state of apathy - which could or could not mean that you're done w/ him permanently. (I say this because I have hit apathy on some issues in my life, but it didn't mean I was done w/ whatever I was dealing w/ permanently.)

Anyway, my point is that I haven't heard you say you're done w/ him and until you do then it's implied that you're still willing to work it out w/ him. What I hear is that you're done w/ his behavior - not him. If you're done w/ his behavior then I would put the divorce lawyer search on hold for a bit and take care of the behavior problem. Based off of what you've said, your husband is the victim of something that's going on between the two of you. He's also learned that this is the way to avoid any responsibility. (I am in a close relationship w/ someone who does this, too. It's called avoidance.) The fact that your husband throws this in your face all of the time in different scenarios says to me he's totally sabotaging his relationship - also typical of someone in victim mode. It's like he thinks he's crap so before you can leave him for being crap he'll give you every reason to in the book to think he is. It's the I'll hurt you before you can hurt me - thing. I guess I'm just saying, don't jump the gun if you're not ready to yet because it sounds like you have an opportunity to give him some ultimatims. Counseling being one of them. If you are done w/ your relationship w/ him, then by all means - move forward w/ your plans. I'm not here trying to stop you from doing it, just giving you a different perspective.

I don't mean to insult you by saying that I know exactly what you're going through. I don't. I have no idea what it's like to have my husband tell me he's cheated on me over and over again. I do, however, know what it's like to live w/ someone who is so unhappy w/ themselves that they're trying to give me every reason to not stick around just to prove to themselves that they really are the most miserable person in the world, which just keeps feeding the unhealthy lifestyle of one who is content w/ being the victim of their own circumstances.