[TheFutureMrsMagnan]

I lost my son at 14 weeks on Dec. 5, 2007. I went through the contractions alone and my water breaking and my son delivering etc. I couldn't handle it at all and was severely suicidal so I was hospitalized. I went through a period where all I did was cry and then for the past 5 months I kinda pushed it out of my mind. It breaks my heart everytime someone asks me if I have children and I don't know how to answer. His name is tattooed on my shoulder and I've had people ask about it and telling them is so hard. My soon to be ex husband doesn't care about the loss of our little boy. (I left him a week before I found out I was pregnant.) No one seems to understand and whenever I get into a fight with my dad he likes to throw it back into my face. Just the other day he was like I don't know why you act like it was such a big deal he was just a tiny blob with no arms and legs. I freaked out especially since if you look at my ultrasounds you can see him sucking his thumb. (He did it from 9 weeks) The last few hours all I can do is cry. i don't understand why God would take him away and then take my grandfather away 3 months later. I have honestly started to lose my faith and that hurts. Since I lost my son, the only time I was in a church is for my grandfather funeral. I would like to start going again but I'm afraid I will just cry. Any suggestions for what I should do or have you experienced the lack of support and loss of faith?

[2girls]

((((HUGS))))
Everyone deals with these things differently and you are obviously going through a very hard time. I am sorry that you are unable to find a support system within your own family. That certainly makes things harder on you.
Perhaps you could seek some counseling? At least give it a try?

[TheFutureMrsMagnan]

I do attend counseling and I am on medication. I just can't talk about him, its way too hard. Anytime someone mentions his name i burst out crying.

[QueenAngie]

So very sorry for your losses.

Whatever medications you are on, are just not working.
You need to discuss this with your doctor to get them adjusted,
so you are on the best med and the right dosage for you.

If you cannot stop crying, go take a warm shower.
It will help you to relax.

Here is my to-do list for you each day:
Take a walk every morning and every evening, outside if possible.

Keep a daily journal, write in it every evening before you go to bed.

Eat healthy.

Drink 8 glasses of water each day.

Take your medications every day.

Start taking a good multivitamin.

Have a moment of quiet, peace, prayer, meditation, reading the Bible (or your preference of a religious book) each day.

Wishing you all the best!

[TheFutureMrsMagnan]

I like your suggestions and I actually attended Mass for the first time since my husband and I broke up. It was strange being there but I might keep going.

[mcmama]

I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. We do undergo chemical changes which can result in depression.

You lost your baby and before that, your marriage. So it is a double whammy, and you went through a miscarriage without the support of a husband. Your family has suffered a loss, and sometimes relatives react to depression by saying hey, just get over it, no big deal. But with a miscarriage, the loss is not only physical, it is the loss of expectations for the future as well as grief over a death.

You need a tweak in your meds if you are having reactions this intense. Please talk to your doctor about this. Also ask about further physical tests for any hormonal or endocrinal issues that are going on.

As for loss of faith, as someone who has had serial losses over many many years, what I can tell you is this. Don't lose faith - find it. This may require a change in the way you do things. I found after the death of my marriage my church was not helpful in directing me towards resources for spiritual healing, just told me it was high time I got over this. I really floundered around, finally got the courage to leave several years later when I had a hysterectomy and because it was summertime and the rector wasn't there, they just did not do the least pastoral response that you do for people in the hospital, let alone single moms who are dealing with potential cancer. I left, and went to a more bible based church where the congregation was more involved with basic ministry and where it was possible through study and fellowship to nurture my faith instead of always having it be questioned and challenged. Clergy may come and go, but the congregation is the church and has to be a good fit for you.

My then teenage kids did not come with me on this journey to a new church, despite active ministries to teens and young adults. And word spread that mom had gone wacky. But I had to do it, and today I don't apologize for it. Works for me. Without it I would be very bitter and cynical. Try worship in a new direction. Christianity is a personal faith that we continually work on being open to and understanding fully what it reveals. If you liked Mass, keep going. Join something at the church that interests you. If one Mass works for you better than another one, go to that one. Or try them all!!!

You will be alright, you just have to take care of yourself. And ask a lot of questions of your doctor and spiritual advisor.

[shopella]

I have 5 children and I am not alowed to see or speek with my older 4. manny years ago I tryed to kill myself. It was my worst mistake ever. I wasn't thinking clearly, thow that isn't an excuse more of an explination. I didn't think I was hurting anyone but myself. I was wrong! I read what you wrote not a day goes by that I dont regret my choice. I cry myself to sleep wishing I had made better choices. I can't give you relationship advice my man is an insensitive boob too. Some guys aren't sensitive and never will be, but if you tell him what you want him to say he might. I have this thing about saying sorry vs. apologising you don't have to be sorry to apologise, but if you say you are sorry you need to sound like and realy mean it. I wish I could say something to make you and everyone with any problems feel better, but thair are no words that will heal. Time will ease the pain. I don't know how manny times I have heard that and it seems so shallow to hear it. Some times I want to hurt I want to feel bad because It means I care. Some times I want to crawl in bed and cry myself to sleep and pretend the world is not spinning around me and just press pause untill I have cryed it all out and taken a nap.(crying always makes me sleepy) When I wake back up the sun still comes up and the world is still spinning. I can't go back and change any thing some times I wish the sun would stay down and leave me to my miserable feelings, and some times I am thankfull for my blessings. I have one more little sweetie. I wakeup every day and thank God for her and wish I had apreciated my other 4 when I had them. I know our situation is slightly different, but simmilar. I carry old photos around and apologise because the grand parents don't send updated pictures verry often. I grieve for them as if they were gone, knowing they are not. I wish I could aford a lawyer to help me atleast get visitation back. What I did was wrong but it was so long ago. I wish I could see them again but if wishes and prayers were reality I would have won the lottery. If you crave a child's atention have you thought of becoming a big sister for a foster child who is probably hurting from all the bull **** in thair lives? The sun dose com up every day and it shines weather we want it to or not. When you have a good day remember to apriciat it when you have a bed day it is ok to complain about all the sun shine like that old song blame it on the rain coz the rain don't care. It is good that you found a blace to blog how you feel I bet thair are others who feel simelerly all over the world. I know I do, eaven thow it wasn't a miss carage. Remember one of my hardest learned lessons You always have options eaven if you can't see them right now or you are not willing to concider them at this moment think of them later. As for wondering why God let this happen I wonder that about alot of things, but a side noat you must believe in God to be angry with him or you would be angry with someone else. You cant be angry with someone who dosen't agsist. Well I believe god lets people make choices and he dosen't always say yes when we pray. I think I have gotten more NO or NOT YET from God then exactly what I want. My choices havent always been ones that would make God happy infact I would be going to hell if it wern't for Jesus. (yes I know that is a religious statement but as an American I am entitled to my religious beliefs) He has delivered me from the depth of dispair on several ocasion. Sometimes I can imagin he wishes I would go on a diet as often as he carries me through troubled times. My youngest sister has gone through several mis carages and was told 1 1/2 years ago she could not have children. she became pregnant at the same time I did. Her son and my daughter are one month to the day apart. God dose things in his own time and dosn't feel the need to explain him self. I think he did at one time and created the bible. But it is up to us to look for his explinations. Well I don't meen to go all religious on you, but if you are looking for a grief counceler try Olive Baptist Church it is free and they have answers and sensitive sholders to cry on. If you love you'r boy friend, but he is tiard of hearing about it talk to someone else, that is what I do! later

[vanaden]

Of course in our times of trouble we want to blame it all on God, as if he's out to get us. When in reality, the bible says he will give you nothing more than what you can handle. I believe God uses tragedies like this to draw us close to him. He is the only way I know true peace. No matter what HE is there. You can't really say that about anyone or anything else.
Keep praying. Ask for strength. Give it to God, as hard as it is to do that. We are safe and whole in His hands alone. Don't let the world beat you back from your true peace.

[vanaden]

I see that you attended "mass" and that's a step.

People will probably roll their eyes at this but I'm going to suggest an Apostolic church. You will know the true delivering power of God when His spirit is moving around you. God bless.

[niaz11]

No one seems to understand and whenever I get into a fight with my dad he likes to throw it back into my face. Just the other day he was like I don't know why you act like it was such a big deal he was just a tiny blob with no arms and legs.