[mcmama]

Has anyone had success with shared physical custody of children? In most divorces that I know about (including mine) joint legal custody means one parent does most of the physical day to day responsibility and the other one has some input, some responsibility, and some obligation to assist. But I have heard of couples who really have worked out the details of sharing, and the kids benefit. Anyone have experience with making this work?

[markbarnes19]

As a teacher, I've run into this on many occasions. Sadly, it usually is more often acrimonious, rather than harmonious, when it comes to the kids. The people who have worked it out, first of all, had a good ending to the marriage. If the parents hate each other, true shared parenting won't work. I find that divorced parents who have agreed to put the kids first are successful.

[mcmama]

Yes, I think that is right, and they have a good ending to their marraige. So what have you seen that works? I know in the nursery school I directed, we had a couple who were really on target about being dependable for their child - he knew he could depend on both of them. But we also had non custodial parents showing up just to show off, being domineering and disruptive, and creating stress everywhere. (They generally had not been very involved before the divorce).
What are some of the success stories you have seen Mark? I haven't seen many

[cjoy825]

I used to share 50/50 joint physical custody of my daughter with my ex. It has been going on for 7 years and has been a complete nightmare. I have full custody of my daughter now but unfortunately I had to file an Order of Protection against her father for his emotional abuse to bring my daughter home full time. I know now that I should have fought harder when we first divorced but I didn't realize what he was even doing to me then, now he's doing the same to our child and I can now see clearly the toll it's taking. I have however seen families that the 50/50 custody has worked for them, but they are few and far between. I wish there was an answer for our children's sakes! but i don't think 50/50 custody works for many families that try it.

[mcmama]

You know when I posted this thread, I really would have liked to hear more about people who make this work. There are ways to make this work. Really! Either they're not posting, or it is just not happening as much as the courts would like. I do know they exist, because I have seen it - but it is not the more frequent thing. I usually see (and have experienced) the non custodial partner using the kids as leverage - ie if you don't do it my way I'll take the kids away you unfit mother you- or the custodial partner uses them for more money and revenge.

I know a guy who agreed to have his ex wife stay in the house because he didn't want to move his daughter from her school and her friends. He also did not want to assume the responsibility his ex wife did of chauffering, supervising, and structuring her life around the 8 year old daughter. They own the house together, and he pays to support them in that house, because the wife's income is not as big as his - see, she's been taking care of this kid and not focusing on career.....It was a huge financial sacrifice for him, which the wife acknowledged. When they got out of court, his female lawyer said to him, "Now why did you open your mouth like that? I could have gotten that house for you!!!" He was absolutely stunned at that mentality. But those are the people who are driving this process.

If the courts are going to impose this, they should be ready to monitor it and guide people. But they are not really able to do that. So families like ours suffer, going by the system, until it becomes so impossible. People like us have what I call "Failed Divorces". They are not like the other divorces where after a year or two things settle down and people move on. We didn't fail, the system failed to provide us with options.
I have known second wives who abetted their husbands in this sort of behavior - until he did it to them too. Meantime, kids don't get enough money or enough attention from the one parent who really is there for them but who is exhausted with coping with this all the time. The fear that whatever you do will be used against you in a court of law capriciously by someone who has money or whose family does is real disempowerment. And as a parent, you should not be powerless. But this sort of abuse renders you powerless in front of your child, no matter how strong you really are. It is an exhausting and consuming struggle, but you cannot give up and "get over it". It is just not safe.

Maybe the next generation will fix this - if they haven't accepted this terrible way of life as "normal". Good luck to you - and do what you know is right for your girl.

[cjoy825]

I know we all want to hear of more situations where the shared custody works! I know I do, so that I can find out how others do it. Maybe I can learn something new in how to handle my ex's behavior....something....anything! I know this struggle does make me look at what I am doing and wonder if I am doing something wrong, but now that my daughter is recognizing the behavior as abusive and reacting to it.....I can't keep questioning myself, I have to react in order to protect her.
I do wish the courts would be more supportive in helping us parents that they push into this shared custody arrangement find resources to ensure success for our children's sakes. I know in my situation the court is pushing us to go a psychologist, but the psychologist they want us to see cost $125.00 per session and she wants to start by seeing us all individually. My ex just started paying child support (the first time in 7 years) therefore, he doesn't feel he has to contribute to the cost of the medical expenses even though the judge told us medical was above and beyond what he was ordered to pay. It's a constant struggle but I will keep going.
I hope more parents that shared custody works for them will respond and give us some pointers!!!!

[krat]

I have shared the custody of my 6 year old daughter for 3 years now. She is simply thriving. Until she was 5 we had her for 3 days each, with negotiation around the holiday eg: alternating christmas each year. Now she is at school she is with her dad on mondays and tuesdays, me on wednesdays and thursdays and we alternate long weekends. We stick to this as much as possible unless there is a very special occasion. And we halve holidays We have found that as far as possible to have a neutral pick-up point has worked best - usually from school. Her dad and I are careful to always be respectful of eachother (although that respect does not necessarily go as far as to my new partner) .
The most important thing I have found is to always think of her first in any argument you feel like having. 9 times out of 10, when I really think about it - its usually best to keep my mouth shut and to just let things pass. Things like never getting my photos after the divorce and lending him money and not getting it back. All those things are nothing compared to the child. The value that she gets from having both parents fully committed to her has far over ridden all the niggly things I would like to change about the situation. Something else really helpful to our situation has been our daughter starting a sport. Both her dad and I always come to watch her - we dont talk much, but just for her to see us both there supporting her twice a week has really done wonders for her I think - and has also given us a time to bring up any issues that have arison. Anyway - I just wanted to let it be knnown that there is a way to make it work, and for us it is getting better and better all the time.

[mcmama]

I think this is great, and it works because you both are working together. I found that an on and off schedule like that was not working with older children (middle school, high school). I found out that my ex did not want to focus on what worked for the children, he wanted it all his way or else we were not cooperating. I dealt with bullying by expertise - only I was saying that the schedule did not work, so how dare I go against experts who think that fathers are so very important. Meantime, I was the one dealing withs school failure - which was also "evidence" that they should not live with me at all. What works for your family is that it appears that neither one of you is making it a competition. Also, you decide things with the child in mind.
We were forced to live for a year with a chaotic one day here and one day there schedule even though it did not work for the kids, and I was the one forced to keep track for everyone. It was all around my ex husband's convenience. Failure to adhere to his very limited understanding of it meant that I could be punished by law. How he loved lording that over me. What was really sad was that the oldest had said that he would like to spend time with his dad and maybe we could work out a schedule where he could spend part of the week with each parent. He was 12 when he said that, and had no idea of the reality involved in making that work with an abuser. I dealt with a court system that didn't quite believe me about the abuse since it was not physical, and judges and court appointed psychiatrists who held that the abuse issues were with me, not the kids, so I had to make it work for the ex and stop holding a grudge against the poor fellow.
A year later I had it overturned, to the relief of the oldest boy who felt guilty about having even suggested that custody could be shared since it meant continuing punishment on me and continuing high handed dominance over him. Two years and many more dollars to lawyers later, the appellate court threw him out for continuing to try and force himself on our family. This was almost 4 years to the day from when I had initially filed for divorce.
Wow, to the amazement of all the academic experts, once my kids lived with me full time their grades DRAMATICALLY improved, and the oldest became stable enough to go off medications! Who knew good mothers are at least as important as abusive fathers!
What you are doing is great, because you both have the child in mind, and from what you say, abuse was not part of the problem between you. Those who make it about fathers rights, or who withhold visitation because of support issues, are not making it about the child. Joint physical custody is great when it is about the child - not about forcing the custodial parent to be dominated, or hostage negotiations for money.
You both are going to have much healthier lives as a result of your focus. No wonder life is getting better and better for you!

[nicki]

I think it is an exceptionally rare situation when joint custody works (and by works I mean works for the children, not just for the parents). Possible, yes, but very rare. I hate to say it because I used to be a huge advocate of shared parenting but it is an incredible amount of work and, to be honest, most divorced parents simply don't want to spend that much time or energy working together and even if they did, they often simply can't work together - hence the divorce!

I often wonder, in situations where shared parenting is successful if the divorce, too, could have been avoided!

It used to be rare and now it is growing increasingly popular as the country is finally acknowledging the importance of the father playing an active role in the lives of his child/ren. I think the goal is valiant but the method is lacking.

Children need stability and structure and a sense of roots. They need security and predictability.

These are generalizations but....in a marriage - even an unhappy marriage - this since of stability and security tends to happen on a more automatic level. The parents have their normal way of functioning and the children know what to expect. One parent often does a majority of the parenting and makes a majority of the decisions with regard to the children. When differences arise, they are often resolved, even if not in a fair or healthy way to the marriage itself.

When a divorce takes place, it can happen for 100 reasons - but often it is for reasons of distrust or irreconcilable differences. Very few marriage end amicably. The divorce, itself, disrupts the foundation on which the child/ren have grown for however many years. The parents often need to grieve and most do not come to terms with their part in the divorce for years, if not ever.

How in the world could these people ever, then, come together to agree on raising of the children in a way that extends the roots, stability, predictability and security necessary? They can believe, with all of their hearts, that they want what is best for their children but if they couldn't work out the finances or any other less important and definitely less complicated aspect of their past relationship, how can they manage to move forward in a partnership of any sort? Even parents who don't feel they hold any resentment or anger toward their ex-spouse and who believe they want to try to parent together and will succeed are often just not prepared or capable of working through the intricate web of negotiations and compromises and constant communication that co-parenting requires. It is no wonder there are so many failed joint physical parenting situations. And I don't think it's for lack of wanting what is best for the children.

Even in the best of situations, when the parents agree and apply what they have agreed on 100% of the time, it is difficult for children to change environments so often because the environment, itself, extends beyond just parenting. It also extends to schools, many times, and neighborhoods, friends, family customs and holidays, sports and extracurriculars, etc.

Joint physical custody is experiencing the increase that it is because we acknowledge the need of the child/ren to have both parents be as much a part of their lives as possible. Instead, the opposite is often happening. Instead of losing one parent (as is often the experience of the child in a sole custody arrangement), they are, in essence, losing both. Or at very least losing stability and consistency in both environments.

[imgonnamakit]

Before my kids started school, I had joint physical custody. We split the week with the boys, and split the appointments. We didn't speak except through email, but we made it work. It was SO hard, but it took a lot of biting my tounge to get through it and not telling my ex off in front of the kids. Now the kids live with me cause he wouldn't move closer and we couldn't agree on a school. now he doesn't do much to be involved with them except the every other weekend gig.