[Hatshepsut38]

Hello!
I'm new to the fora and I was wondering if you can help...
I'm in the process of preparing myself mentally for my first pregnancy, and I find that to be a very difficult task. My husband and I have been married for about seven years now and so far I've been great in finding excuses to avoid pregnancy--first, school, then work, etc. But we've come to a point where I can't keep doing this anymore--my husband loooves children and now that we're about to hit 40, he thinks it really is now or never. Well, to be brutally honest, the real reason why I've been postponing is because I don't like children. Or, let me rephrase it, I don't like the idea of having my own children! (I explained that to my husband) I don't like the looks of pregnant women, I don't like women sharing their children's pictures, and it really irritates me to see all these pregnant women around with their hands on their bellies, smiling cheerfully with tears in their eyes.

My friends with kids all say that once I become a mother, I'll know what a precious thing it is. Well, once my hormones go crazy, no doubt I will love one of my own blood! But the thing is, I'd like to make a decision when my hormones are still sane. I love my husband and would do anything to make him happy. It really pains me to see the sparkles in his eyes when he talks to or plays with other people's kids, but is this too much of a sacrifice for me?

I must add that, I am also overly concerned about my (our) work schedules--we both work about 60 hrs/week and I wouldn't like to have my child be raised up by nannies, which means I will have to take full responsiblity for the baby's education and upbringing, and all other sorts of responsiblities I can't even think of now. And these responsibilties scare me to death--I fear having a baby will be the end of my intellectual and professional development. The other thing is, I have premature gray hair, which I've been coloring since I was thirteen, and there is no way I can go around like a grandma (I read that it may be dangerous to use chemicals during pregnancy).
Please help! Am I a monster?

[JeanLynn81]

Hi! Welcome to the board! I'm a bit confused and was hoping you wouldn't mind me asking a few questions. You certainly don't have to answer them.

Has your husband outright said he wanted to have a baby at this time, or is it your biological clock that's ticking?

Is it pregnancy, or a baby that worries you? It seems to me like you have been thinking about having a baby for some time. The fact that you want to raise the child yourself, and worried about hair dyes, tends to make me think you want a child, but maybe you want one as much as you want your career. When two major things clash, it'll give you alot to think about! (Btw, dyeing your hair is fine as long as its avoided in the first trimester.)

Why can't your husband give up his career and stay home? Lots of dads are doing this today. Also I know a few people on this board that can tell you there is nothing wrong with daycare or nannies. Its just a matter of finding the right one.

Would working from home be an option? Either for you or hubby? Some companies are so reluctant to get rid of good employees, that they may be willing to let you work from home.

Sorry for so many questions. I just have one more and then I'll leave you alone. You say you don't want to have children of your own. Would that rule out fostering or adoption? You could make such a wonderful different in a needy child's life. It could be very fulfilling.

Whatever choice you make, make sure both of you can be happy. If you feel you are sacraficing too much, then it could lead to feelings of resentment. Make sure you do what you need to do!

Good luck!

[Hatshepsut38]

Hello! Thank you so much for responding.

My husband has been wanting a baby for a very long time now and when you ask whether or not my biological clock is ticking--this is exactly my problem! I am not ticking at all! Over the past years, when I told my husband that I didn't want a baby, we both thought, perhaps it wasn't the right time for me and that if we waited more, one day (hopefully before my menaupose!) my biological clock would tick (like all of my friends' did), but no ticking at all! And since he figured that out, my husband has been openly pushing me to have babies, doing nice things to encourage me etc., which I find all the more irritating.

I think both the pregnancy and the aftermath worries me. I am overly concerned about my body image and when you say no coloring hair for three months, this is the most scary thing for me. I bought some hair bands and scarves to see if that would be an option (my hair grows so fast, I color my hair every 2.5 weeks!), and looks like it might.

As for the aftermath of pregnancy, I have friends, or old friends, I should say, who've had babies recently, and to see how they change overnight is scary. They don't socialize anymore and when they do all they talk about is their babies. Their understanding of socializing is for me to go to their houses and watch them breasfeed, which I believe should be done privately. My life style is not like Sex and the City at all, but I am really upset to lose friends to their babies. We can't even have intellectual discussions anymore, all they read is books about breasfeeding and diapers etc., they don't even read the paper, we can't go shopping, we can't have a quiet, nice dinner outside, all because of the babies.

The reason why my husband can't give up work is because he makes practically ten times more than I do. You're right, working from home might be an option for me, although it would mean to lose a big title for which I've been working for the past thirty years. What a shame. My family would hate that too.

And adoption is certainly something that I'm open to. But guess what? My husband is very much against it. He comes from a very traditional family and this option seems to be out of the question for him. There are two kids whose education he's been supporting financially over the past years, but the idea of adopting one while he can have "his own" is just not in his book. How sad...At some point I remember him saying something like, perhaps if we had one of our own, perhaps then we could adopt. But I suspect this was part of his grand plan to talk me into pregnancy.

And his family has been pushing me badly too, which made things even more stressful for me. Oh well, I guess I don't have any motherly instincts.

Thank you for listening...and for your suggestions....You have a beautiful baby, by the way.

[jadis]

There is no reason to avoid dyeing your hair during pregnancy- these recommendations are quite old, and from the time when chemicals like Lye were present in hair dye. Some women feel more comfortable avoiding it during the first trimester- but there really is no need to. You can always use a rinse, or do highlights as well- rinses typically don't have peroxide or ammonia, and highlights don't touch the scalp.

To be completely honest- I have to laugh somewhat because while these seem to be big concerns now, if you actually do decide to have a child they will likely be significantly less important when she/he arrives. I started going grey at age 20, and it's been 3 months since I have bothered to touch up my roots....so, ponytail it is. At the end of the day, I am really too tired to care I also think that your gripes are quite common as a childless woman- everyone claims they won't be like that when their babies are born....but everyone is. It's hard to not talk about the most important thing in your life- and as a working mom, I really don't want to go out and socialize much because I already spend 9 hrs away from my baby in a day- spending more time apart really doesn't interest me much.

I think that you really have to decide whether you are willing to make the sacrifices that having a child entails- dyeing hair and not being able to go out as much are really small potatoes compared to other things- however, I don't think you can find anything that wields greater rewards.

GL with your decision

[mrmnmom82]

I personally think it would be better to not have a baby at all than to have one to suit your husband, then resent that baby for taking away the things you wanted more. A baby deserves to be loved and wanted, and it will know if it's not wanted.

On some other points you mentioned, not every woman becomes this hermit, who only talks about her baby, and doesn't read or have an intilectual thought. Just because your friends have submerged themselves in baby, doesn't mean you will, if you have one. I still go to lunch, no kids allowed, with my bestfriend. She loves my kids, but is single and has not kids, and we enjoy time with just us. We still have rivetting political and mind expanding conversaions, it helps that she's in college still, and likes to chat with me about her classes. I need that, she's the one that helps me feel like an adult, as does my husband. We too still have adult, mature, conversations. Do we still talk about the kids, yes, is that all we talk about, no.

Try not to generalize what your life will become if you decide to have kids. You decide what your life will become, not society, or your friends, or your family. You and your husband make those decisions. and it's important to be on the same page, make those decisions together.

I wish you the best, and give yourself some credit for being an indevidual.

[babsandwoo]

Originally Posted by mrmnmom82

I personally think it would be better to not have a baby at all than to have one to suit your husband, then resent that baby for taking away the things you wanted more. A baby deserves to be loved and wanted, and it will know if it's not wanted

I totally agree with this, you will be the one carrying the child and its primary carer, if it not something you want to do, then dont do it.

one thing i have to ask and please dont think i'm being rude but why are you so open to adoption and not a biological child? if you adopt a child that will still have the same effect on your career as a biological one, you will still be a mother.

Please dont think of yourself as a monster, some women are not maternal, you have no control over it, forcing yourself to have a child you dont want is not going to magically make you feel maternal.

You can only sit down wih your husband and tell him how you feel.

I wish you a lot of love and luck in your decision.

[MiaCamille]

i agree with the ladies, if you don't want a baby then don't it would be best that way.. good luck with your decision

[purelegance]

if you don't want a baby - don't have one. that's the beauty of "a woman's right to choose" i think that if you did get pregnant despite not wanting to, you would be severely depressed. Which is not healthy for you, the baby, or your husband. I absolutely think you would resent the baby & once or twice "i never wanted you" would come out of your mouth -- purposely or not. GL

[Hatshepsut38]

Originally Posted by babsandwoo

one thing i have to ask and please dont think i'm being rude but why are you so open to adoption and not a biological child? if you adopt a child that will still have the same effect on your career as a biological one, you will still be a mother.

Thank you for responding. I guess adoption seems a little bit more doable for me because first of all I won't have to sacrifice my normal life for 9 months and also I feel very bad about orphans. I guess, my thinking is that when there are so many kids in need of parents, why bring yet another human being into this world? Also, I thought, if we adopted a 2-3 year old, then I will have skipped what seems to be the most exhausting period of raising a kid. A couple of my friends told me that I am a cold, selfish woman. I just want to make a responsible decision.

[mollymae]

Kids go from one challenging stage to another I personally find the pre school stage the easiest. Children are a joy but they are hard work there is no way to avoid the hard bits. They need love, complete unconditional love, whether they are being holy terrors or charming little angels. A child will change you life completely and if you aren't prepared to change your life for even the duration of a pregnancy then how do you plan to fit your life round a child for the next 18 years?