[itstime69]

my dad is a ***** monger and I hate the fact that I am hiding it from my mom. this is only the tip of his being an a*****e. I have come to accept the fact that he ****s on me, but I am tired of his yr disrespect of my mom. strip club 2-X wk and the other days in a bar. he won't retire to be with her, instead he does this and will sleep in the office. we work together, his biz since 72. It's time.....or is it?

[JeanLynn81]

Sorry to have to edit your post. I wasn't aware that the a-word isn't censored out automatically! I hope you understand why. We have children and teens who may sometimes view these posts, and we try our best to keep it family-friendly.

I can certainly understand your anger. But have to seriously disagree that you should put up with him bringing you down. He may continue to be a jerk no matter what you do, but it is up to you if you want to put up with it, or leave. Same with your mom. If she is aware of the things he is doing, and still chooses to remain with him, then I don't know if there's much else you can do. At best you can let her know that you are on her side, and if and when she ever decides to leave, you will help her to do so. But its impossible to make your grown-up mom do anything she doesn't want to do.

Good luck. It really is hard being the one outside looking in. While the problem is obvious to you, its never so black and white with the other person. I've been there a hundred times. Hope you can learn to step out, and find peace for yourself. Maybe your mom will see your happiness and follow along!

[mcmama]

I'm worried about you and what keeping secrets does to you. Forcing you to know this stuff about him while giving you the idea that if you tell your mom you have "killed" their marriage is abusive.

I would tell her, if I were you, but have this conversation with her privately and not in an angry fit. Then I would do the following:

1. Take steps to protect your mom. Often abusers become enraged when the spouse discovers what is really going on and reacts. Some are so self centered as to believe that the wife's grief and crying and anger is what she is doing to him!

2. Take steps to protect yourself. Start looking for a new job, and tell dad that you aren't keeping his secrets anymore. Far from killing the marriage, it is killing you to be helping him hurt your mom with your silence.

I know it is hard, but try to be calm when you have this little showdown with the lap dance king. Make sure that he is not blocking the exit if you need to leave. Have your hand on your cell phone and be ready to call 911 if he becomes violent with either one of you. Don't be provoked into raising a hand to him. In no way do you want your dad to appear to be a victim.

[itstime69]

First, thank you for your gift of advice.
I can't get another job. I have a vital responsibility to my mother, father, and my family. I am here not by choice, but by loyalty. I have devoted 15yrs to this business, promises that were made to me have been broken. But I have an item, that is necessary for this business to legally continue. A "degree", of sort. If I leave, the family biz, would stumble. but I think my dad would find someone with the needed credentials and reward them to continue with the biz.
I am coming to the point though, that I am tired of the disrespect. And that is what burns, if it hurts me, how can my mom handle 2x the amount of this. I am thankful for my wife, daughter and son. Otherwise I would love to go to sleep. I can't let them down.