[ejdr]

My husband and I have been married 10 years and have 2 children ages 6 and 8. He has a son from a previous marriage who is now 13. My stepson lives with us in a different state & visits his mother on holidays & part of the summer. My children don't know anything about the divorce or that my stepson even has a different mother. I think that they are too young to understand these concepts and it would upset them and change their relationship with their brother. Truthfully, I would be happier if they never knew, because all 3 children are very close and I don't want them to think of their brother or our family differently. I guess someday they will realize the truth because he has always called me by my first name & he does go out of town from time to time. Does it seem wrong to just avoid talking about this unless they bring up the subject someday (at which point we would definitely tell them the truth)?

[hennypenny]

You have to be honest. With our daughter, we always just followed her lead. For example, when she started saying I was the the step kids' mum, I would explain that they have a different mum, but the same dad. Over time, more questions followed, so I answered/answer them one by one. It's important that they understand what is going on so they feel safe and secure, and that we can be trusted to be honest with them.

[purelegance]

you should tell them, believe it or not, they have a pretty good understanding of these things, even at 6 & 8. my step siblings came into the picture when i was 4 or 5, and am closer with them than my actual siblings. same is true with my half sister who is closer with her half brother than myself. we're closer with the siblings we lived with and grew up with. definitely tell them, you'll probably find nothing changes at all.

[pattiewrites]

I'm surprised that they haven't figured it out. They don't ask why he doesn't call you mom? My kids have always known that their oldest sister has a different mother. They also know that I was married at a young age, but had no kids from that marriage. I think it's easier to tell them when they are young than to have them angry and confused later, wondering why they were never told. I don't think they are too young to hear it. Unless they are homeschooled and have no friends with divorced parents, they know divorce exists and can understand the concept. A teenager will feel lied to and I think that can cause bigger problems later.

[swt1899]

You should tel them. My father was married before he married my mother. He had 3 children in his previous marriage. I was told at a young age and grew up with my 1/2 brothers and sister. Openess and honesty will make your family's relationship strong and that is very valuable.

[QueenAngie]

Family secrets come out at the worst of times.

Would it not be better to tell them now and hear it from their own Mom & Dad, than somebody's cousin....or a classmate at school?

[purelegance]

Originally Posted by QueenAngie

Would it not be better to tell them now and hear it from their own Mom & Dad, than somebody's cousin....or a classmate at school?

that happens a lot in situations like this. my best friend & i grew up together. he has a half brother with a different last name, but never put 2 & 2 together. One day we're sitting there in 8th grade homeroom, and he looks angry & depressed -- his mom had just told him the truth. it didn't change the relationship between him & his brother, but i know he was pretty upset with his mom for a long time.

[ejdr]

Thanks for the responses to my post. I know that I need to tell them the truth- I'm just being a HUGE coward about this

My 8 year old (son) has special needs & will not be able to understand. However, my 6 year old (daughter) is very precocious & probably already realizes the truth, BUT she probably also senses that it is something that we really don't want to talk about. She's just like that.

I think that actually talking about it would probably cause her to pepper her 13 year old brother and us with questions about what the mother is like, etc. That makes makes me SO nervous because the truth is that my stepson's mother is a terrible person! She is mean, spiteful, and vindictive and has said & done some very hateful things to us. We used to live in the same state as her and she had shared custody (before our children were born) but her behavior was so nasty that we had to move out of state to get away from her. My husband then spent the next 3-4 years to gain full custody. Unfortunately the courts still allowed some visitation since she had not physically harmed my stepson.

I think we would either have to tell my stepson not to talk about his mom (he doesn't talk about her now, by his own choice) or somehow try to explain that this person caused us so much pain, yet we still have to send their brother there to visit.....

[Alejandros Mommy]

My son knows that he has a daddy and a "father". When our 16mnth old gets old enough we will have to do the same thing you are doing right now. I can understand how difficult it will be but you need to be honest. Also please don't talk badly about your Step-sons mother...he loves her no matter what and anything bad you say about her will affect him. MY ex is just like your step sons mom. I wish we didn't have to deal with him but I try not to talk badly about him in front of my 8 year old. Its hard...I understand completly. But I don't want my son to be poisoned by me....he is smart and he will figure out what kind of person his "father" is.

Good luck..keep us posted

[oweirdo]

It is easier to tell her now! I know its hard, and she will ask questions but know her whole life is much easier than finding out one day. Just tell it to her in simple terms, he has another mom, she lives in a different state. and sometimes he goes to see his mom. I see no need to tell her what the real mom is like. at least not as young as she is, just tell her see is a mom just like you yourself, she loves her son and that is what counts.
As she grows up she may talk to her brother and he most likely will tell her his feelings about his mom. Good or bad. she will be curious now, but as sensitive as you say she is, I think her question will not be too many or too forward.