[OlaTrelos]

Can anyone offer feedback. I am walking on eggshells with my brother. We live in different states, nevertheless, he tries to control everything I do when I come to NYC (where he lives) to visit. I try to come to NY often because all my family and relatives live there, and I like to visit individual relatives separately to have a quality visit. Normally my visits are 3-day weekends and there are times I choose not to call or visit him.
I just last weekend went to NYC to visit my mother, did not call him until I got back home (Monday morning); I only had 48 hours and I wanted to go shopping with my mother and go to the Greek Parade with her.
Mind you, I have plans to visit him in NYC 2 weeks from know - will stay with him, give him our 100% attention. Plus, he is now in school working on his master's degree program and he has told me about all the reading / paper writing he has to do. Finals are coming up. Lastly, he has a tendency to "call in sick" from the post office when I come to NY to visit, and I do not want to contribute to his work situation. He tends to be quite irresponsible with work and has gotten into trouble in the past. So you see I did not wish to call him for several reasons.
My trip to visit in 2 weeks was planned months ago. I just shipped a computer / printer /etc to him [UPS should deliver it in 3 days]. Now, because I did not call him while I was in NY and give him the opportunity to join me in NY for the Greek Parade, and because I was with my mother and my uncle without him, he got very hurt [HE IS SO OFTEN A VICTIM]. In his anger and hurt and retaliation, he sent me a "typical john email - very curt" saying he cannot accept computer. This is after we spent $135 in UPS shipping.
This is a recurring problem. I have a 15 year history of problems coming to NY. He gets mad if I do not make him the center of my attention. He has gotten mad if I went to visit relatives that he did not like; I have often had to resort to hiding the fact that I am in NY. [And for some sanity, I frequently do] But this time I could not maintain this because other family members saw me at the Greek Parade;
I certainly did not want to call them and ask them to withhold information that I was at the Greek Parade.
He has alot of emotional problems that I have been trying to help him with by listening when he calls (weekly) and I try to steer him into positive thinking but he has SO much hatred for various family members. Each week it is a new person that he is bashing. It is exhausting for me but because he was an physically and emotionally abused child, and because he was a drug addict and alcoholic, and he no longer is, I have been trying to encourage positive thinking in his brain. He is mostly an extremely LOUD, ANGRY, INTIMIDATING person. He is very big, and my mother and I are really scared of him. I'd need a whole other forum entry to share how grostesquely mean he treats my mother. I am often taking the role to protect her (long distance) when he gets abusive with her.
This problem has been making me physically ill; Right now, I am feeling a strong anxiety attack - rapid missed heart-beats; Clamming skin; sweating; Major insomnia.
In the past, I when an explosive incident would occur, I would just try to live, and then with time, he would call, and not really apologize, but have a voice tone that is not so agressive. I then would fall right back into the relationship patten, until the next outburst.
Today, I am now at the crossroads where I am thinking of finally and officially ending all relations with him. I've been dealing with his anger, emotional abuse, controlling temperment, and greediness for over 20 years. I need HELP doing this. I think I am a softy and will "once again" fall into the same relationship pattern. I dream of never having to have anything to do with him again. HELP.

[cjoy825]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation with your brother. i have a sibling who drives me nuts as well and there have been times that we haven't spoken for periods due to her nasty behaviors. my sister too is quite often the victim. and yes, she has been through some tough times, granted but we did grow up in the same family. it's all about the path you choose to take when you grow up. she too has years of alcohol and substance abuse issues that are still plagueing her to this day. your brother has atleast made the effort to clean that part of his life up. my sister is very nasty to my mother, our other sister and our father who actually adopted my sister from my mother's first marraige (if that makes any sense)...and when my sister is really on a rampage she calls our father by his first name, like he's not the actual father that raised her. that infuriates me!! and is so hurtful. my sister calls to bad mouth our other sister, our mother, our father, our uncle and various other family members. i do listen to what she has to say and then i make sure she knows that i will not paticipate in the bashing as i am not part of whatever the problem is and tell her how she can clear things up with this family member. i definately don't ever go back to whatever family member she is bashing and tell them...that is a huge no no and would only cause my sister more problems. it a tough position to be in.... anyhow, i do encourage you to tell your brother how his actions affect you especially since you are having such anxiety issues and insomnia. you are who you are and you have chosen your own path, and your brother has chosen his own path. you cannot be responsible for his outbursts or allow him to make you feel as though you are doing something wrong. i used to deal with the same feelings because i am a softy at heart too...but i did learn to be assertive. you don't have to be nasty back, just assertive. write down how his actions affect you and prepare yourself emotionally to be assertive, strong, firm when you call to speak with him. i have dealt with plenty of 3am phone calls from my drunken/drugged up sister ranting and raving about how EVERYONE else has done her wrong but takes not responsibility for her own actions and i am the baby sister. i am sure you love your brother tons and want to help him but sometimes helping a sibling with these types of abusive behaviors is by being tough and showing them how their actions hurt you. is your brother receiving counseling? i hope this helps you!

[choppy]

Wow, I have been there with a sibling. The best things I have done in those situations are related to showing an increase of love. I will do things that show I care. then when I do what I want and receive criticism I simply smile and keep doing it.

[simplechic]

Obviously, your relationship with your brother has caused some intense emotional problems for you. What you need to ask yourself is if it is just too much for you to handle. Are you really willing to go through all of that anguish for him? One thing you must realize is that you can't change him. Possibly the best situation would be to try not to interact with him. I have a family member that has also caused me years of anger, frustration, and pain. I have come to understand that the best thing I personally can do is to keep my distance, so I don't get as frustrated when this person does the same aggravating things over and over again.

[cocotbo]

A few years ago I finally decided to stand up for myself. Rather than continuing to just lie down and go with everything my brother wanted all the time and walking around on egg shells around him and my parents, I decided to stand up. My brother didn't like it and simply wouldn't or couldn't see my side of the situation. My parents had a problem with my "voicing" how I felt about what had gone on for a lifetime too.

That was when I realized that my parents preferred to stay in the dark and think that all was hunky-dory and my brother preferred to be the boss. So I keep relations light with my parents with regular smalltalk every few days and my brother and I make the requisite phone calls to each other on holidays - generally via voicemail. We never talk about personal issues and if I ever have a crisis, I know I can count on my in-laws.

We can't always have perfect relationships with those we are bound to by blood. Luckily, God brings people into our lives who become our true families bound with love.

[cesalima]

Hi There,

I read your post regarding the relationship you have with your brother. What an extremely heartrending situation you have. You have my deepest sympathies in dealing. Your idea to cut off relations with him has some merit but with a little bit added to it. I have not a psychologist or psychiatrist and what I'm about express is simply my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

Take a very deep breath, call him and tell him how much you love him. How much you have admired how he has stuck to school and is getting a degree. Explain about anything else that is admirable in him. But then tell him that his behavior toward you and your mother is unacceptable. Explain that he is too angry, too controlling and abusive. Lastly, tell him that you can no longer associate with him, no matter how much it hurts you, because his behavior is now affecting your relations with other family members. Tell him you will miss him and that you will always love him and that you long for the day when he will not be so angry and that you can spend time with him again. Tell him you will think of him every day and any time he wants to talk without expressing anger or bashing another family member you'll be happy to do that. But the second he starts either of those two things you'll hang up the phone. Explain there will be no more visits until he has had some counselling for his anger and abuse (both the abuse he received and the abuse he's handing out) issues.

This will be so hard but he cannot be allowed to continue behaving in this manner. It is beyond ludicrous that you have to sneak around NYC to visit your mother and uncle in fear of seeing your brother because he wants 100% of your attention. My heart aches for you and I don't know if you believe in the power of prayer, but I will keep you in my prayers that situation may be resolved in a manner that will strengthen familial ties rather than break them irrevocably.

Best of luck,
Candace Salima

[OlaTrelos]

I was amazed to see all these varied responses. I thank each and every one who offered their advice and personal experiences for me. I will respond in more detail later.

[cesalima]

Ola,

How goes your situation with your brother? Any improvements yet?

[OlaTrelos]

Thank you Candace Salima for asking. I appreciate your concern and was touched by your prayers for me.
The situation is very peaceful now. Albeit, it is by virtue of the old adage "Out of sight, out of mind".
In terms of subsequent events that have occurred since the original situation, he received the 2 of the 3 boxes shipped UPS (the computer we sent). He called my husband's cell phone (not me) and told him that 1 box was stolen, that the neighbor had signed for the UPS delivery but left the packages out in the hallway of their apartment complex. During his conversation, he started to re-iterate to my husband that he did not want to speak with me and that he is "so pissed off" that I did not call. My husband cut him off and told him that he couldn't speak right then, and that he would call him back. During that day he called and left a sequential series of voice mails on my husband's cell phone. Each one more angry than the prior one. The first being "I opened the boxes but the computer is missing. How can I set this up? Call me back." The second was "The neighbor is so stupid. I think she should pay for the computer. I will have Krystyna talk to her because I am so mad I don't want to yell at her. I don't even want this computer." The third voice mail "Hey, I never wanted this computer. I was just going along with you. I can buy my own computer and it will be new, not used. What do I do with these two boxes. Call me back". The fourth voice mail his voice was very angry and resigned "I don't want your computer or the DSL service."
My husband & I agreed that he should not have to get in this middle of this even though my brother was trying to get him involved so I agreed to commuincate with my brother.
After alot of soul searching I decided not to speak to him on the phone but to reply to his email where he originally told he in that curt fashion that he cannot accept the computer and dsl service. I told him that he can give the boxes to Uncle Peter or donate it to charity. It really does not matter to us anymore.
Two days later, he left one last voice mail (but this time it was on my work voice mail). He said "What the hell did Krystyna & I ever do to you."
That was it. I never returned his call.
And life has proceeded in a rather calm & peaceful manner. Actually this is the first time I am revisiting the situation in my mind. It does bring me some anxiety just thinking about it but I am OKAY with my decision.
Though I do not feel to make any compelling statement of permanance with regards to how I interact with my brother for the rest of my life I do feel that this approach is suiting me well right now so I will continue. We live in different States so the sheer physical distance helps with the healing process.
I think this is also helpful for my brother because he can simply concentrate on his studies, and his life goals with his wife.
I realize now that this seems to be easier for me now because my brother today is married (not single) to a wonderful person who loves him deeply, he is focused on a goal, his master's degree in history, where as in earlier years he lived a life of hanging out at bars, drinking too much, and indulging in drugs. I feel that he is emotionally okay with this temporary cessation of communications because he has love in his life now. The fact that he has also not communicated with me in 2 weeks seems to confirm this.
I feel that if we are going to grow old with a real relationship together I cannot allow him to "hurt me" in this way. By rewarding him with statements of love and forgiveness (as your prior thread states) when he does such wrong & hurtful things, I am enabling this destructive cycle to persist.
I feel very strongly now that I will tell him how much I love him & I am proud of him when he is nice & decent to me, not as a result of his being "cruel". He is NOT exempt from normal laws of human interaction.
For too many years I have interacted with my brother in the way indicated by your thread. This is akin to psychotherapy which is the role I have had with him for years & years, and this is the role and am now going to STOP.
I have decided that in the future when I do communicate with him, I will let him see this forum thread, and I hope this will shed some light in his heart&mind of how he can have healthier relationships.
I may add some addtional replies later but I have to get to work now.
This Sunday is Greek Easter. Kalo Pashca Everyone!

[cesalima]

Ola,

I'm glad to hear that things are much calmer in your life now. Given time and distance I'm certain you will be able to establish communication with your brother again, with the guidelines firmly in place.

I'm glad he has someone to love him. I hope, because of his pattern with his family, that he does not behave that way with her. If he does, sadly, he will probably eventually lose her. So I hope for his sake, that this helps him to see the light of day and keep the love of his life.

These types of decisions are hard but I went through something similar myself with my oldest brother. It was over nine years before we started speaking again and now we have a very close, loving relationship. I think we both changed, but my brother did stop the abuse and now is a much better man.

I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers as you go through this situation. I'm glad things are going better for you.

God Bless,
Candace