[tryingmybestinsask]

hi i 'm a single mom of a 17 year old daughter who has told me a while go that her and her boyfriend are having sex ! yikes !
i had " the talk " with her about taking proper precautions and so on... and that i am not at all hapy or " ok " with this. She is just as naive, if not more naive than i was at 17... SO... I WORRY.
I'm not too old to remember what it's like being a teenager... i remember thinking my parents knew nothing and that they were old fashioned and lame, etc.
But i got pregnant myself, with my daughter in high school. And my whole life changed in a split second after finding out i was having a baby. The father left me immediately so i went thru it on my own, but with my parents help... but not without getting yelled at, called awful names, etc.
i went thru hell... my teenage life as i knew it was over. i'm 36 now and i've grown up a lot. i love my daughter but she is turning into a replica of myself, when i was a teen... going to parties, having sex, arguing with me, lacks respect... being lazy, the whole bit. And the sex part, really scares me. I told her she is to never have sex in our home... but i've found condoms and i just know what she's up to... i can't always be around to watch her or follow her around to see what she's up to when she goes out... all i can do is talk to her and tell her i'm concerned and what my rules are and give her info about the responsibility involved in having sex, and possible consequences. But she's very mad at me and will not listen. She just says that they love each other and are being extra careful... But somehow, that still doesn't sit well with me at all. We have become enemies who fight or just barely talk at all, unless it turns into a fight... anything to do with her not doing her chores, staying out late, her being disrespectful, her grades at school, her not cleaning up after herself, and yes, now the whole sex thing ...
What to do ? I can't lock her up, I can't control her every move.. I get *****ed at from my own parents telling me that its all my fault that my daughter is the way she is... plus they threaten me saying if anything bad was to ever happen to my daughter, they'd blame it ALL ON ME. My relationship with my parents has been very up and down and dysfunctional, since i myself was a teen.
They are verbally abusive, controlling, bossy, judgemental, critical, nit picky and like to constantly point fingers at me of blame, etc. I don't know what to do anymore... i cannot seem to win... with them, and trying to get thru to my daughter is not working. I don't think anything will change until she grows up...
I know because i was once a teen myself.... but my daughter has even more attitude and is more demanding and mouthy than i ever dared being at her age...
i try to be here for her yet a responsible parent, but her temper can really be a terrible thing to witness when i lay the law down and try to keep some balance in who is the boss here. i try to take her feelings into consideration and be fair, to listen to her, and help her too... but i get nothing back but attitude, anger, resentment and rebellion. it might all be " typical " ... but its also upsetting me very badly. I feel i've lost all control and respect ... like what i say, think and feel does not matter to her very much, cause she'll just do what she likes anyhow. Then i get my parents all up in my face, telling me just how bad i am of a parent !
I have a boyfriend too, and he and my daughter DO NOT SEE EYE YO EYE.
THERE IS SO MUCH TENSION WHEN THEY ARE AROUND EACH OTHER. HE hates the way my daughter treats me and so on, and sometimes it does cause a fight... I am doing the very best i can, and now i'm also in the middle of him and my daughter.. i say, the two of them, after me being with him for a year now, should hash it out without me already ! i understand both their sides to a point, but with me having my own struggles already with her ... and my meddling parents; because they say they helped me raise her so she is always going to be their business... ugghh... i am at the end of my rope.
ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE HAVING SIMILAR PROBLEMS OR ANY HELPFUL ADVICE ?
T...

[HappyMomAnna]

My oldest daughter made her own choices at 17 too.... It was very difficult for me but, I had a choice......I could allow this issue to ruin our relationship and have her turn her back on me....and think I was a controlling mother until she was 36

or

I could have the talk, and tell her what my ground rules were--advise her to be smart about it and let her know that this choice was not my responsibility anymore.

I did expect that a young woman who was having sex would also contribute to the household. It is a grown up thing to have sex so...."Which nights of the Week would she be cooking dinner?"

........and Now that we are both adults--doing adult things what chores, and other responsibilities would she be contributing? After all grown women having sex also have other important responsibilities. I am not going to be your "mommy" one moment and wash your laundry, run you around town, and cook and clean.....so that you have all the time in the world for the FUN parts of being an adult....how fair would that be?

I found it was just a whole lot easier to try and remove myself from the controlling mother position to the Equal Grown Up Woman positions..... You want to play ball with the big kids then you have to be willing to swing the bat at the fast balls.... I would have responded completely differently had my daughter been any younger but, at 17 well, there is not much time left and I didn't want to have our relationship completely destroyed.

As far as the boy friend, my children were 15 and 16 when I married my husband and frankly I don't get in the middle--I handle my older children. They don't get to treat my husband any way I don't or won't expect. I did practice what I preached and my husband and I did NOT live together or sleep over when my children were around. It took about 3 months to completely move into his house after our wedding but, I felt it would teach my kids to respect him as a man and me as a mother to make that sacrifice. As it turned out it did....when my daughter decided to become an adult she did so responsibly and even though she has made different choices then I would have wanted she and her boyfriend have been together for 5 years now and I am not a grandmother.

[smorgan]

.

i had " the talk " with her about taking proper precautions and so on... and that i am not at all hapy or " ok " with this. She is just as naive, if not more naive than i was at 17... SO... I WORRY.
I'm not too old to remember what it's like being a teenager... i remember thinking my parents knew nothing and that they were old fashioned and lame, etc.
But i got pregnant myself, with my daughter in high school. And my whole life changed in a split second after finding out i was having a baby. The father left me immediately so i went thru it on my own, but with my parents help... but not without getting yelled at, called awful names, etc.
i went thru hell... my teenage life as i knew it was over. i'm 36 now and i've grown up a lot. i love my daughter but she is turning into a replica of myself, when i was a teen... going to parties, having sex, arguing with me, lacks respect... being lazy, the whole bit. And the sex part, really scares me. I told her she is to never have sex in our home... but i've found condoms and i just know what she's up to... i can't always be around to watch her or follow her around to see what she's up to when she goes out... all i can do is talk to her and tell her i'm concerned and what my rules are and give her info about the responsibility involved in having sex, and possible consequences. But she's very mad at me and will not listen. She just says that they love each other and are being extra careful... But somehow, that still doesn't sit well with me at all. We have become enemies who fight or just barely talk at all, unless it turns into a fight... anything to do with her not doing her chores, staying out late, her being disrespectful, her grades at school, her not cleaning up after herself, and yes, now the whole sex thing ...
What to do ? I can't lock her up, I can't control her every move.. I get *****ed at from my own parents telling me that its all my fault that my daughter is the way she is... plus they threaten me saying if anything bad was to ever happen to my daughter, they'd blame it ALL ON ME. My relationship with my parents has been very up and down and dysfunctional, since i myself was a teen.
They are verbally abusive, controlling, bossy, judgemental, critical, nit picky and like to constantly point fingers at me of blame, etc. I don't know what to do anymore... i cannot seem to win... with them, and trying to get thru to my daughter is not working. I don't think anything will change until she grows up...
I know because i was once a teen myself.... but my daughter has even more attitude and is more demanding and mouthy than i ever dared being at her age...
i try to be here for her yet a responsible parent, but her temper can really be a terrible thing to witness when i lay the law down and try to keep some balance in who is the boss here. i try to take her feelings into consideration and be fair, to listen to her, and help her too... but i get nothing back but attitude, anger, resentment and rebellion. it might all be " typical " ... but its also upsetting me very badly. I feel i've lost all control and respect ... like what i say, think and feel does not matter to her very much, cause she'll just do what she likes anyhow. Then i get my parents all up in my face, telling me just how bad i am of a parent !
I have a boyfriend too, and he and my daughter DO NOT SEE EYE YO EYE.
THERE IS SO MUCH TENSION WHEN THEY ARE AROUND EACH OTHER. HE hates the way my daughter treats me and so on, and sometimes it does cause a fight... I am doing the very best i can, and now i'm also in the middle of him and my daughter.. i say, the two of them, after me being with him for a year now, should hash it out without me already ! i understand both their sides to a point, but with me having my own struggles already with her ... and my meddling parents; because they say they helped me raise her so she is always going to be their business... ugghh... i am at the end of my rope.
ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE HAVING SIMILAR PROBLEMS OR ANY HELPFUL ADVICE ?
T...[/quote]

[ahermitt]

So when does she turn 18?

I am from the school of "my way or the highway". While my kids are younger and I have not had such problems, (but people like to tell me that I will), I have made it clear that grownups are grownups and kids are kids.

I have no intention of taking care of grownups... whether they are really grownups or just think they are. They already know that I will not buy things for people who mouth off, they also are expected to cook and do help with laundry at almost 12 and 14.

Of course it is too late to go back and re-do things, but you have to refuse to get disrespected in your own home by your daughter OR your parents... You don't deserve to be abused by anyone. Personally, I would let them deal with her and her with them since they both like to abuse you so much.

As for the boyfriend... he has no say as he is not her father OR stepfather.

[Samual]

To me I don't see the age as a problem, as long as both of them are being sensible and respectful about it.
Maybe some tough love would do her some good as far as her attitude goes, stop doing things for her so she has to do everything herself, she might just think you are treating as a child so she is acting up because of it. Give her some space and see what happens, she might stop moaning when she realises you wont treat her like a baby anymore.
So your parents think you are a bad mother as your daughter is having sex, hmm so surely that would make them both bad parents as you became pregnant in highschool, pot calling the kettle black as far as their own views are concerned.
I can see why your partner would not like her behaviour, but still it is not his place to punish her as a parent would but he definately has the right to tell her when she is being horrible and so on. He does need to ignore the rest of her behavior though as he is part of your life, not hers.

[TheGraduate]

When you say you have had "the talk" I assume you mean the birds and bees talk? I think she has mastered that one.

How about the heart to heart talk about your fears for her and why you have them. The talk where you open up to her about what life was like for you when you were her age. I don't mean the "I know what's best for you" talk. I mean the talk where you tell her honestly what it felt like when people called you those names etc.

[kierenm]

I'm surprised at the great variety of advice being given in this thread! I've even learned some new ways to handle these kinds of situations for myself when my kids are older. Thanks guys!

[shawspear]

He needs to know something then. How is he looking at her? That could make all the difference, and how he treats her too of course. If he knew how to look at her, she'd begin to notice, without saying a word. She'll know and ask, "why are you looking at me that way?". "What way?" he'll say in a denying tone. "You know what I mean, that way" she'll say. "Oh you mean that" he replies as if to suddenly be aware of something he's actually known all along. Then he tells her . . .

What is it that he tells her and how is he looking that makes all the difference in the world to her and stops the tension between them?

[NavGabeShiJude]

I remember being 16 and 17 years old. I thought i ruled the world. All the bad things that happened to other people couldn't possibly happen to me. I had sex, partied and drank way too much. Then my best friend got pregnant and it was a HUGE wake up call!
Do I want my children to have to learn the hard way? Nope, I wish they would listen to my past and learn, but I know that when they get to be that age they will have to test the limits, try new things, and assert their independence. I will just have to ensure that I lay the building blocks for their future now. If they grow up knowing what is acceptable and unacceptable then that could possibly help us all in later life.
There comes a point when you have to step back, dust your hands off, and say.... let's see if they can stand on their own two feet. This doesn't mean you don't love them and support them, it just mean that you trust that you raised them right and that they will grow to be beautiful adults, whether they get scraped along the way or not.
Just make sure that if they take a tumble... either a pregnancy, broken heart, etc... that you are there to help them up and kiss them better. Like riding a bike... you have to let them go sometime!
All the best and have faith in your skills as a mother!