[Magic_Mikki]

I am getting so angry with my father in law. He smokes (A LOT) and he does it around my daughter! I have had my husband ask him not to, but of course we get this answer of "It's my house, and I can smoke in it" from him... Drives me NUTS! It's even worse because DH agrees with him! ("Well, it IS his house..." he says!) I think it's crap that he has the guts to do something so harmful around someone else's baby, knowning full well of the consequences. For the last week (and next week to come) he is working on a contruction project in our house, and he e has the courteousy to smoke in the garage (which I still hate) and not in the house, but it makes the whole house reek! Not to mention, the garage is right below DD's bedroom, and it makes her room smell the worst. I feel so horrible for her! He can go ahead and kill himself by smoking, and smoke around us (even though I feel it's rude) but to do it around a helpless child breaks my heart!

I am thisclose to calling it quits and not allowing her to be over there alone anymore if he can't be an adult about this, but I feel like I'm using her to get back at him. Also, it sucks even worse because they do so much for us, like dropping her off and picking her up at daycare at the last minute, things like that.

I'm stuck as to what to do. I know the smoking won't stop, and it will continue when baby #2 comes around, too. I'm having a hard time weighing the pros and the cons... not to mention, DH would go crazy if I were to even suggest DD not going over to his parents' house anymore. Any advice??

[Alejandros Mommy]

My Dh is close to his best friends mom....and she is a chain smoker. I have been to her house and literally gag when I enter. The smoke is that bad. I would never put my children in that environment. Esp with my oldest having asthma.

My answer would be "their my kids, my choice who's house they go to". If he does not respect the choice you have made about keeping your children smoke free then he can come over to visit them. If he wants them to come over then he has to respect your choices.

[DK615617]

Yikes!! I wouldn't let dd be there. Second hand smoke is bad for adults, but it is so much worse for young ones. They don't filter out toxins as well as adults do. Plus they are smaller so her breathing in the same amount as you is worse for her than it is for you. (I hope that made sense) The increased risk for asthma is really high. Not to mention a whole host of other potential things. Dh should agree with you, after all it is his little one too. I understand that he is trying to keep peace. But, the health of your children should come before the feelings of your inlaws.
I know what you mean about not wanting to upset them, especially cuz they help out a lot. That is just something that you and dh will have to decide. Is it worth possibly losing the extra help.
Maybe print up some info on how harmful smoke is to babies and children and ask dh to talk to him about it. Maybe fil is misinformed or has no clue as to the risks!!!
Also if you are pg you shouldn't be around it either, the risk of sids can be higher, as well as the baby having colic. Just stuff that I read when I was pg. (Dh smokes, but only outside)
Good luck!!! I hope this doesn't come across as snotty or bossy. I just really feel for you. I have a FIL that smokes, and his wife too. We live in FL and they are out of state. So when we are in town (never staying there of course) when we visit we won't go in the house. We feel like there is no need to put Tiffany through that. Even if they were to not smoke while we were there it still smells so awful that we won't go in. So we stay outside and BBQ outside. It was weird at first, but it is our baby and they have to deal with it. But , dh is in total agreement about it.
I wish you all the best. It would be a hard decision, especially if dh isn't siding with you.
Hugs.

[DK615617]

Please go to this site to see what they have to say.
http://www.lung.ca/protect-protegez/..._e.php?print=1
http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/librar...dhandsmoke.pdf
I hope this helps you decide what to do. Maybe if your dh reads this he will side with you.

[VinniesMommy]

Wow... Thats a hard situation... I agree with the girls above though. It's sooo bad for babies to breathe that stuff. My grandmother and grandfather have a tiny house and smoke it up. They are wonderful people, but I won't take my kids over there. If they want to see them, they have to come to my house, or somewhere that they can't smoke ((ie the playground, the mall, a store)). Just be straight, but gentle with them and DH. Tell them that it's soo harmful, and even if they don't think so, you know better. Tell them that you appreciate them, and everything they do, but you don't want your daughter around that. So, either they cut out smoking in their house while she's over ((and air out the place before hand!!)) or she can't come. If he wants to get gruff and say "well fine!" let it go... Once he doesn't see her for awhile, he'll come around. As for him smoking in the garage, can't you just ask him to smoke outside? Tell him that you appreciate him not smoking in your house, but it's starting to make your house smell, and you would like him to take in outside? Good luck honey...

[LeanyBean]

I don't let anyone smoke in my house. They wouldn't in my garage either if I had one. I will occasionally allow smoking in my car if the window is down and not just a crack either. I don't think any baby should be exposed to it. DH's nephew is exposed often enough that he has had colds and cold like symptoms his whole life. My oldest DS had symptoms silimar to asthma while we were living with my in-laws and he was a baby. Since we've moved out of there and DH quit smoking inside and then quit smoking altogether, Noah has improved greatly. No symptoms whatsoever.

Bottom line is that regardless of what others think, the parent makes the decision as to what is best for the child. If that means no visits to certain houses because of smokers then so be it.

[deedee1231]

First of all I agree that second hand smoke is not good for anyone. I don't smoke so I don't like to be around it (mainly because it smells bad!) and I don't want my children exposed to it either. My youngest DD has asthma and it is true that second hand smoke increases her asthmatic symptoms.

That being said, I tend to think that people sometimes think it is much worse than it really is. Both DH and I grew up in homes with at least one parent who smoked constantly. My grandfather, my father, and all of my uncles smoked and never thought to go outside or move away from the children. I can't say that I never suffered side affects, I really don't know if I did or didn't, but I am still here! My siblings and I are all alive and well. My husband grew up in a similar environment only in his family it was the men and women who smoked rather than just the men ! But we all lived through it. And maybe the smoke wasn't good for us but we are all exposed to things that are not great for our bodies in the air and in the food we eat. We just do the best we can to avoid the things we think are worst for us.

My point is just that sometimes you have to make some compromises. I visit my Mom regularly because I love her and I want my kids to know her. My stepdad smokes in his home and I don't like it but I want to visit my Mom so I tolerate it. In his defense, he will take it outside when Penny is there because she does have asthma, but it is still in the air inside their home. Before Penny was diagnosed with asthma, I never even considered asking him not to smoke in his own house. I keep my visits short or try to go when he is at work to avoid the smoke and causing an uncomfortable situation for my Mom.

So that would be my advice to anyone in a similar predicament. Know that many, many, many of us grew up practically engulfed in a cloud of second hand smoke and survived it. Try to keep the exposure to a minimum, but I wouldn't burn any bridges over it. Especially not with a father in law who does so much to help out and show his love for your family. He was just raised in a very different world and doesn't see this thing the same way. He is also addicted to nicotine, and addictions are tricky things to deal with.

Just my two cents worth, I am sure many people will disagree and that is ok, but it is still something to think about.

[JeanLynn81]

deedee I won't disagree. In fact you said everything I was going to say before I read your reply. I love how you pointed out that there are other pollutants in the air that are just as bad, that they breathe in everyday!

A child with athsma should absolutely be kept away from smoke. In that case, the person who smokes will have to decide how often they want to see a child they can't smoke around.

But I can't imagine telling someone they can't smoke in their own house. I'd just keep my kid away if it bothered me.

Good luck, and I hope your FIL comes around! Smoking is baaaad and a very difficult habit to break.

[DK615617]

deedee I agree with what you said, but not entirely.
I think it is rude in this day and age for anyone to smoke in front of a child. I know, blah blah it is his own home. But we are talking about the health of his grandchildren!!! I am not saying that he should be told what to do in his own home, but would it kill him to at least do it in another room?
Also, yes you survived a smoke filled childhood as a lot of people did, but you will never know the effects that it had on your body. (If any) cuz you can't go back in time and see what your health would be like if you haden't been. Also you don't know if it had an effect on your health that you are yet to see. ( I hope that is not the case)
And yes the air we breathe is polluted, but why knowingly add to it. Why expose a child (who is trusting you to look out for them) to cancer causing substances if it can be avoided. I know years ago that people didn't know any better. But things are different now. We know that it is bad for you, why not avoid it.
My dh smokes, but he would never do it anywhere near Tiffany. And he won't let her anywhere near anyone who it not condiserate enough to know that you don't smoke around a baby.
Why do so many smokers feel that because they smoke that it is ok for them to expose the rest of us?
I don't mean any of this to sound mean, or disrespectful. I just really feal strongly about protecting kids from as many toxic substances as possible, because yes, the air we breathe is polluted, as well as the fact that there are chemicals everywhere, and pesticides too. That is probably why the childhood cancer rate is increasing at numbers that are very alarming. Not to mention ADD,ADHD, autism, allergies, and asthma. All of which experts agree that toxins play a part in causeing. (I am not saying that the are the sole cause, but a piece of the puzzle)
Please don't take any of this the wrong way. It is just that you only get one chance to raise healthy kids.

[DK615617]

deedee,
Please don't take any of that the wrong way. I know where you are coming from, and totally see your point, but don't fully agree.