[purelegance]

do you "snoop" through your kids' things? it was asked in a newspaper "blog" today, but nobody ever answers off my paper so i decided to ask you all. i'm only pg right now, so obviously i have no experience in this & can't really give my opinion on it.

[QueenAngie]

You have a few years to wait before you worry about this topic, Purelegance!

But it is good you are thinking long term in the parenting role.

Some parents do look through their children's rooms on a regular basis.

Some parents don't.

I actively have parented for over 21 years now...and knock on wood...have survived 2 teenaged boys.

You learn to know your child.

When your child goes to preschool, you look through his backpack daily.
When your child goes to kindergarten, you look through his backpack daily.
When your child goes to 1st grade, you look through his backpack daily.

I think you get the idea here.

There will be notes from the teachers that are important, you'll miss if you do not look through the backpack.

I do not go through my teenagers' drawers in their bedrooms. Some parents do.

If something is left out in the open, I consider it 'fair game' for me to look at.

You will know if 'something is going on' and you need to search further.

I do not look through backpacks of teenaged boys. Why? There are stinky gym clothes in there.
But, some parents do.

There is something to be said for earned trust and respect.

We as parents own the family cars/trucks and doing this keeps our insurance
plan cheaper than if one of the boys had them in their names.
This also gives us access 24/7*.

I do not open my teens' mail. If it is addressed to them, they open it.
Pretty obvious from the return address, if it is from a family member
or church.

Myspace is big right now and most parents do access their kids online Myspace.
I do.

Cellphones. My boys have them, we are on the family plan. I expect that when I call
or DH calls, that they pick up proto or by the time I have hung up, they are ringing me.
That is one of the rules we have for cellphones.

We also limit text messaging. Some parents don't limit it.
I look at the monthly phone bills.

In 15 years, when your child is a teenager, there will be something totally new
that you'll be on the watch for.
It probably has not yet been invented.

What else do we need to share, friends?

[MissyChrissy]

I don't do searches, and I'm not in there on a regular basis, but the girls know that their room is open for mom to look for whatever she wants, whenever. If they do anything that makes me suspect something is up, I WILL "snoop"

I worked for Alcohol & Drug Services for nearly 5 years, and I saw so many parents who "respected their children's privacy" while they were getting high in their bedrooms. I can guarantee that'll never happen in my home.

I'm a mom. I'm not winning a popularity contest...not even with them.

As for text messenging, I just called Verizon & had it turned off altogether. They don't need it, they can just call whomever they need to.

I know who my kids hang out with, where they are, and what they are doing. At any point when there's secrecy, then I know there's a problem, and I will not back off until I know what's going on. So far, it's worked very well. We're very close, and communicate with each other every day-on a deep level about life and where we're all going. I'm goal oriented-and am helping my daughters find their own paths for the future-with constant reminders that drugs/alcohols/boys can be harmful to lifelong goals.

[AudreyOka]

I have two daughters. My oldest daughter is 24 and I don't think I ever snooped. I completely respected her privacy. She followed the rules. She got great grades. She brought her friends home for me to meet. She always told me where she was going. She just never gave me any reason to not trust her, not believe her or feel the need to snoop.

My younger daughter is 17. I don't snoop. I don't need to. She leaves everything open and out. She even forgets to close AIM thus leaving her IM's open for me to read. She has lied to me. She has broken rules. She has not earned my trust or the right to privacy that her sister had. She is not allowed text messaging. She went over one month. She was told if it happened again, I would cancel it. I guess she didn't believe me . The next month no amount of apologies would stop me from cancelling her text messaging. Her computer time is very limited. She is not allowed out on weeknights and on weekends I drive her both ways or she doesn't go.

So, very different rules for two kids in the same house.

[mcmama]

Yeah, I snoop. And they know it.

I have one friend whose son spends way too much time on the computer. He is a wizard with computers. He has a laptop. He was using it at school for some classwork, but of course, all the other distractions got in the way too. So they tried limiting his time, but he found ways around that.

So they found a device which alerts them when he is on the laptop. They get a text message on their phone that the laptop has been turned on, that he has logged in.

This was especially fun when they were no longer allowing him to bring the laptop to school, but he did it anyway.

[MissyChrissy]

Originally Posted by mcmama

Yeah, I snoop. And they know it.

I have one friend whose son spends way too much time on the computer. He is a wizard with computers. He has a laptop. He was using it at school for some classwork, but of course, all the other distractions got in the way too. So they tried limiting his time, but he found ways around that.

So they found a device which alerts them when he is on the laptop. They get a text message on their phone that the laptop has been turned on, that he has logged in.

This was especially fun when they were no longer allowing him to bring the laptop to school, but he did it anyway.

Oh the computer is a big deal in my house. I have my daughter's passwords-and I'm a computer specialist so they cannot change them on me...the computer is NOT private. There is no way in heck I'd risk some pedophile communicating with my daughters.

No computer in their bedroom-it's right out here in the kitchen/dinning room, and no talking to strangers...if they don't know the person in school or family, they do NOT talk to them on the computer.

And they're limited to 20 minutes a day, unless they're doing schoolwork.

[jadis]

Originally Posted by AudreyOka

So, very different rules for two kids in the same house.

I think that's the way you have to do it- I have had friends with severe alcohol/drug issues while we were in highschool, and in all cases the parents waited until inevitably something bad happened that made them take notice. Always their response was "we just didn't know- there were no signs"- HELLO! They just didn't WANT to know (that, or they had their heads so far up their behinds they were blinded by their own BS). I was in their houses- if there weren't any signs, then G.W. is the most articulate man in North America- scratch that- the world.

Once their reach the age where they start to value their privacy, I will probably only actively snoop if they give me a reason to. Let's face it, kids and teens aren't that cunning when it comes to covering their tracks., and if they are up to something it certainly won't be that hard to find signs of it.

[SueR]

If they live in your house, they don't have "their own" rooms. They have rooms you are letting them use. That ought to be the fundamental thing parents should keep in mind if they ever feel conflicted about "snooping."

[twinzplus3]

I agree with jadis. . .I won't snoop unless I have reason to.

[MissyChrissy]

Originally Posted by twinzplus3

I agree with jadis. . .I won't snoop unless I have reason to. But certainly when you're homeschooling there's generally less of a reason to.

That is the funniest thing I've read all day. I hate to tell you, but the worst "bad boy" I ever met was home schooled until 9th grade, then he went to a "christian academy"

He's 30-something years old and still fighting a dependency. His mom didn't think she had to worry about him either.

Homeschooling doesn't guarantee nothing.