[1stTimeMomOf2]

Hello all - I just thought that by writing this out it could help. I'm having a bad day today. For some reason I blame myself that my children were born early, even though logically I know that it's not. I am deeply upset by the fact that my children are a little over a month old and I have not been able to be a normal mommy and take care of them. I also find myself having a hard time talking to anyone about them, I know they are asking because they care about how they are doing but just having to explain it brings it all back into my mind and it's hard for me. When I imagined how my labor and delivery was going to be, I never imagined this. I always thought I'd have that moment of instant bonding but I still don't think I have bonded with them. I also pictured myself getting wheeled out of the hospital holding my babies and coming home - but they still aren't here. It's so hard to wake up in this house in the morning without them here, I feel like I need to be taking care of them and listening for them crying. I know it's not easy to understand the crazy emotions I'm having, and my DH sure tries. It's not easy on him either. Even though I go see them every day I think it fuels all these emotions because I just want to take them home. I know they are getting good care and it's for the best but I feel like I got robbed. I don't know if I even want to get pregnant again because I'm afraid to go through this again. It's just a roller coaster ride. Thanks for letting me vent.