[dyinginside]

I have completly lost my wife's trust.
Married 16 years (4) kids, I have always trusted with EVERYTHING until I noticed something wierd 2 weeks ago. I was doing laundry and I saw a thong in there. She owns a few but never wears them. Here is where I made my first mistake, she brings her mork laptop home and iI checked her emails. I was sick at the conversations she has had with a very close friend of hers, talk of wanting to make love, making reservations when she told me they would go out for happy hour every now and then. I talked with her that night about how much I love her and that the thong thing had me worried, she did not mention her friend at all. So here is screw up number two, i have the emails and confront her friend. After talking with him I truly beleived there was nothing actually happening and came to the revelation that I had in fact not given her the attention/affection over quite a few months and she was finding this in him (this is where I beleive my jealousy started) he appologized for letting this go too far between them, I accepted. I then went and confronted her and she appologized for not talking to me about how she was feeling and for her crossing the boundary with her friend. At that point I saw my marriage in a whole new light like I had been reborn or something, I had let life get the better of me by ignoring my wife and I swore to that would not happen again. The only stipulation I put on my wife was I wanted to speak again with her friend to "man up" with him for the way I acted. She agreed. Last Sunday at a Church picnic i was getting my keys out of our bag and her phone had a test message from her friend saying we can talk about this on tuesday. I nearly got sick and talked to her about and she said ahain she would nto see him. Srew up number three. Something told me yesterday to follow her from work which I did and I was texting her and she was lying about where she was and going to. She met him at a restaurant. So I called outside and we had it out. Again I do not beleive there is anything sexual actually going on but this jealousy of what attention her friend was doing drove me nuts. Bottom line after our discussion last night and this morning is she hates me for now and she will never trust me again. I have told I accept her apoloogy for lieing to me and forgive her but she cannot do the same. I am dieing inside over this and need some advice on how to cope with this. I know after reading some other posts here that this will take time but I am barely functiong here at work and feel sick, I cannot continue like this. She says she is not going anywhere because the kids do not deserve not having two parents.
Anyone care to talk to me about this. Unfortunately, my wife is/was my best friend and there is no-one else I can talk to about this.