[appleofmyeyes]

Hi, all. I'm new here and am very glad to have the opportunity to ask a question of experienced foster parents. Dh & I are attending class to become foster parents, with the possibility to adopt. I am concerned, however, because our 11 y/o son is quite adamant that inviting additional children into our home is completely unacceptable to him. (He's an only child.) I do understand that it may take him time to accept the big changes ahead, but I'm concerned for him also. How much weight should we give his feelings when making this decision and, if we choose to continue on this track, what do you recommend we do to help him find a place in his heart for foster siblings?

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board, Appleofmyeyes!

Becoming foster parents - how exciting!

So many children need good foster parents right now.

I'm wondering what your 11 y/o son's thoughts are:

Because he will get less attention?

Because he will have to share a room?

Because there may be mixed children in the home?

Because there may be a second child, who is adopted in your home?

I can't think of all the possible thoughts an 11 y/o boy can come up with,
those are just a few.

What if......you suddenly became pregnant and had a baby tomorrow.

Would your son be accepting of that birth child?

Or is it simply the foster children that upset him?

Since I do not have any answers for you,
I am certain other new friends will reply and be helpful.

Welcome to the board!

[appleofmyeyes]

Yes, he has thought about all of those things. He does indeed recognize he won't have as much of our attention. Perhaps he even fears we want to "replace" him? We've talked to him about it and he often gets upset and cries. He really is struggling.
Thank you for your reply. I hope I can get some good advice here.

[MissyChrissy]

Wow-I'm a little take aback by the fact that he is so adamant that he will cry about it. Have you taken him for counseling? It sounds like there is a foundation of insecurity there (in my inexpert opinion). I cannot fathom another reason for the tears.

You're heart is in the right place. Foster parenting is a magnificent way to contribute to society. I wish you all the best with that...and I hope you can help your son come around.

[WA_Julie]

If it was mine who was so adamantly against it, I'd wait until he changed his mind or until he was grown. But you know your own child best.

[MJ7]

Hi Appleofmyeyes and WELCOME!
I agree with Julie. Even with families most eager to have a foster placement I have heard of things going awry in regard to boundaries and such. Though your son is a child still, it is his needs that need to come first. We've had to say no to 3 of our children's biological siblings because our children still needed us too much. Thankfully those kids went into great homes. Your heart is in the right place but I too would suggest you wait. The link in my signature is there to support foster families and families in waiting if you would like some additional support or advice.

[appleofmyeyes]

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to respond and offer your suggestions. I agree that my son's interests must come first - his is our first responsibility. The only reason I'm wavering in that is because children don't always have an accurate understanding of things unknown. (Not that I know how its going to be either, though!) But, perhaps he isn't acknowledging or even realizing that there are also many rewards that he may reap, even though there will also be sacrifices. I desperately want to do the "right thing" - I'm just not sure what it is. Because our son is an "only child" I also think about his future when we have passed on - what extended family will he have then and how will he feel as he ages, not having any siblings? I appreciate your input and will take it all to heart as I consider this important decision.

[MissyChrissy]

See, I'm of the belief that it's the parents who make these important decisions. We're to help our children adjust and accept our decisions, but they don't have a say in the major stuff. At least, not in my house. If I wanted to adopt or foster, I would do it regardless of my children's initial reaction. If I left it up to them, I wouldn't have Conner. Sydney was the only one who was initially excited about the possibility...now, they ALL love him.

I suggest that if you follow through, he will be fine. He'll get the love, support, attention and all that he needs from you. In fact, I'd go so far as to suggest that by holding off simply based on his say so gives him the wrong signal that he calls the shots in life. How will he react in the real world when the boss does when he/she pleases, despite his objections? I think there are life lessons to be learned here.

Either way, you have my support. I know it cannot be easy, and of course you want him to be happy about it. But like you said yourself, sometimes children cannot really see the big picture...until they're in it.

[MJ7]

Chrissy, I hear what you're saying and if the OP was suggesting adoption or conciving a biological child I would agree but fostering is not like taking in a lost puppy and providing a good home and warm meals (not saying you are suggesting this, just making a general point). These kids often come with a lot of baggage and require A LOT of personal attention. The special needs of foster children can consume one's life. Not only dealing with the child's adjustment into yet another home, but aranging school (if applicable...) IEPs, therapists, visitations with family, regular home visits by case workers, dealing with the influence of a child who has a wounded history and potential affect on parents own child (attachment issues, lying, sexual abuse, behaviors due to neglect like hoarding, not caring for themselves, PTSD, ODD, ADD, bipolar, RAD, ARND/FAS, DSI, OCD...). It sounds to me like this 11 year old really understands that his life may take back seat while the immediate needs of a foster child need to be met.

When our youngest was a foster child, our oldest regressed a lot. Having state workers in our home, not being able to just pick up and leave on weekends to visit my mom out of state (need a travel pass and that can take a day or more sometimes), the anxiety in the home not knowing when/if our youngest was going to be reunited with his birth family. Our youngest became my son's brother when he became our foster son. The thought of him leaving was devistating, really to all of us because we loved him. Both our children came through the state foster system. I am a SAHM not because I believe it is what's best for my children but because I NEED to be. I have two boys with special needs due to the abuse and neglect of their birth mothers while even in the womb. My boys didn't experience additional trauma of living in such an environment outside the womb because they were put into foster homes right away.

I have been co-running support groups for the past 6 years as well as working on www.happymomanna.com and the new site www.adoptiveparentsnetwork.com. I haven't experienced half of what many families do but I've heard about it. Fostering is a calling but just because one doesn't decide to do it right now, doesn't mean there wont be kids to foster years from now.

In hind sight, though I'm thankful to God we were able to adopt our son, I would not have done foster care with my first son; I would have done straight adoption (legally freed adoption) if we wanted another child in our home. There is less risk and heartache.

[MissyChrissy]

I'm just saying in my house, the kids don't make the big decisions. I worked for the county before, I know all about the "troubled youth" and foster care system. If I was going to get into it, it would be my husband's & my decision alone. I have faith in my ability to help my children adjust to anything life might throw at them.