[vja4Him]

This past Saturday, my oldest son, "D" (14 1/2) threatened to kill himself. This came as quite a shock. I've known that he has been depressed ever since his mother left us in January, 2005. I fought a vicious court battle and won custody of both my boys (now 14 1/2 and little guy just turned 10).

The boys' mother has completely disappeared for seven months now. My oldest son said that he can't handle the pressures of life anymore and has been thinking about killing himself for a long time.

My boys and I have been involved in Celebrate Recovery for over a year at our home church on Tuesday nights, Big Valley Grace, and Shelter Cove on Friday. My oldest son, "D", has seemed to enjoy going to Celebrate Recovery, and was even leading the small group for the youth (Life Hurts God Heals) on Fridays at Shelter Cove for several months, but recently said that he needed a break.

This past Saturday, my son (D) and I went swimming in the morning, and everything seemed to be just fine. Later in the day he was getting ready to leave for his youth group at church, and then we got into an argument about his chores. He flipped out and said that he wanted to kill himself.

I called 911 and the police came out and took my son to the Behavior Center. They evaluated him and took him to the Hutton House. Now my son says he doesn't want to live with me anymore. He is withdrawing from everyone who cares about him and everything that he really does like.

Yesterday when I took him to get enrolled for high school he asked me to take him to his youth group Wednesday (today). When I called him yesterday afternoon to ask him what time I should pick him up, he said that he doesn't want to go to the youth group anymore.

Last Friday, my son (D) got kicked out of the high school he was attending. I am wondering if perhaps that might have triggered some bad feelings ..... ?? He really seemed to enjoy going to that school, had lots of friends, was involved with many of his friends there; although his grades were not good, and he had attendance issues. Since he was on a district transfer, he had to live up to higher standards than the regular students, so they kicked him out.

Both of my boys have suffered serious trauma from their mother and her friends. She and her friends abused my boys for a number of years. My son D told me about a month ago that he doesn't like our roommate because she reminds him of his mother. Our roommate is a good person and has only tried to help watch my kids when I'm not home. She has reminded them about their chores, especially when they leave messes all over (which they do frequently).

My youngest son, B, has been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for seven-eight months now. He saw a counselor for most of his third grade year. He is now in the 4th grade. My son B has made tremendous progress. He was the one I thought I would lose for sure. B was completely out of control, screaming, throwing things, fighting, kicking, hitting, biting, breaking things, refusing to eat, take a bath, change clothes ....... His mother and her friends had turned him completely against him. They even had Be convinced that he was a dumpster baby. They told him that we found him in the dumpster, and that I really didn't want him!!

I was speaking with B's therapist yesterday, and he told me that it is common when one sibling is making progress with their emotional problems, another sibling will act out and become difficult.

Both myself and my youngest son B (just turned 10) are depressed, worried, and having great difficulty concentating. If I was suicidal, I think that I would have ended my life Saturday. Thank God I'm not suicidal. B has been sharing his feelings with his teacher at school. Today B's therapist will meet with B at school instead of his office, so he can help B deal with this issue concerning his brother D.

Tomorrow I will take my oldest boy D to see his brother's therapist for an evaluation. Because of conflict of interest, my oldest boy will need to see another therapist for therapy. I'm hoping that my son D will cooperate and try to work out his problems. Tomorrow afternoon I will meet with D and his counselor at the Hutton House.

This is all very stressful for me. I'm a single parent, with many medical and physical problems myself, just barely getting by. My son D will stay at the Hutton House for 15 days, then they will have to release him. D doesn't want to come back home, and refused to see one of the pastors at Shelter Cove.

My oldest son D seems to be shutting himself off from everything that is close to him -- friends, pastors, church, father, brother. He even told me that he can't read his Bible. He won't talk with his little brother. I even bought him his favorite juice (V-8 Splash), and he wouldn't take it.

I was reading up on mental disorders, and came across Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My son appears to have all of the symptoms. I've also wondered if D and myself might have Bipolar Disorder. I have many of the depression symptoms. D has most of those and the mania symptoms as well.

I find it strange that my youngest son, just turned 10, has been dealing with the divorce, court battle, his mother deserting him, and so many other issues, much better than his older brother? B is more open with his problems and feels quite comfortable talking with just about anyone.

I find it difficult to relate to suicide, since I have never been suicidal. Mental problems seem to run in the family on my mother's maternal side of the family. Mental problems have hit many of the women (my mother, sister, grandmother, and numerous aunts and female cousins), along with a few men (my uncle, nephew, and several male cousins). The three of us (myself and my two boys B and D) are ADD. B is ADHD. That only complicates our lives even more! Any ideas, suggestions, resources, prayers ..... Help!!!!

Thanks for reading my long message. I couldn't share anything last night at Celebrate Recovery. Too depressed. I know that it helps to share things .......

-- vja4Him

[babydawn]

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I think getting D into counceling is definately what needs to happen. Make sure that he is with someone who he feels he can confide in. It may take a few people to find the right one, but once you do, it could make all the difference. He certainly sounds depressed and needs to work through all he is going through. That can be so frustrating. Don't quite fighting for him.

[MissyChrissy]

Your oldest son is definitely severely depressed. Being suicidal IS something I can relate to...I spent my teens & 20's being depressed & even attempted suicide at 16. Do NOT believe anyone that tells you that he only said that for attention.

His poor attendance at school & the fact that he was kicked out at all indicates there's something going on just under the surface. They're warning signs that "somethings up" for those who are familiar with depression. His sudden lack of interest in previous favorite activities is also "text book" depression symptom.

Let the diagnoses (bipolar, unipolar, personality disorder, oppositional defiant disorder-let the professionals where he's at figure out what he has, then do your research. No one can diagnose family-the person too involved and a clear diagnosis NEEDS to come from someone who is unbiased and has absolutely no previous judgments one way or another.

This segment of his life can be worked through. He needs you to be supportive of him-even when/if he lashes out in anger toward you-you have to stay strong & continue to show your love for him. That's really all you can do-and listen & follow the advice from his therapists and psychiatrists. They're the experts-they'll help you along.

If you feel ready to buckle, get yourself into some supportive counseling. There's a lot out there. Nowadays there's no shame in emotional disorders-or whatever you prefer to call them. I look at it this way...we all have a brain right? A brain is just another organ. We ALL have mental health. You wouldn't think twice about going to or sending him to a heart specialist if he needed one, so there should be no differentiation in going to a "brain" specialist.

Good luck. You all do have a tough road ahead of you-but it can lead to a bright future. Never forget that depression is a deadly disease. When/if you ever feel like giving up-don't. That may be the one night he needs you most. Reach out whenever you can.

(((HUGS))) I'm the "anti suicide" advocate. Not only have I attempted it, I lost an uncle to it 18 years ago. I think about him, painfully, every single day of my life. That's no exaggeration either.

Chrissy

[beth]

Originally Posted by vja4Him

This past Saturday, my oldest son, "D" (14 1/2) threatened to kill himself. This came as quite a shock. I've known that he has been depressed ever since his mother left us in January, 2005. I fought a vicious court battle and won custody of both my boys (now 14 1/2 and little guy just turned 10).

The boys' mother has completely disappeared for seven months now. My oldest son said that he can't handle the pressures of life anymore and has been thinking about killing himself for a long time.

My boys and I have been involved in Celebrate Recovery for over a year at our home church on Tuesday nights, Big Valley Grace, and Shelter Cove on Friday. My oldest son, "D", has seemed to enjoy going to Celebrate Recovery, and was even leading the small group for the youth (Life Hurts God Heals) on Fridays at Shelter Cove for several months, but recently said that he needed a break.

This past Saturday, my son (D) and I went swimming in the morning, and everything seemed to be just fine. Later in the day he was getting ready to leave for his youth group at church, and then we got into an argument about his chores. He flipped out and said that he wanted to kill himself.

I called 911 and the police came out and took my son to the Behavior Center. They evaluated him and took him to the Hutton House. Now my son says he doesn't want to live with me anymore. He is withdrawing from everyone who cares about him and everything that he really does like.

Yesterday when I took him to get enrolled for high school he asked me to take him to his youth group Wednesday (today). When I called him yesterday afternoon to ask him what time I should pick him up, he said that he doesn't want to go to the youth group anymore.

Last Friday, my son (D) got kicked out of the high school he was attending. I am wondering if perhaps that might have triggered some bad feelings ..... ?? He really seemed to enjoy going to that school, had lots of friends, was involved with many of his friends there; although his grades were not good, and he had attendance issues. Since he was on a district transfer, he had to live up to higher standards than the regular students, so they kicked him out.

Both of my boys have suffered serious trauma from their mother and her friends. She and her friends abused my boys for a number of years. My son D told me about a month ago that he doesn't like our roommate because she reminds him of his mother. Our roommate is a good person and has only tried to help watch my kids when I'm not home. She has reminded them about their chores, especially when they leave messes all over (which they do frequently).

My youngest son, B, has been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for seven-eight months now. He saw a counselor for most of his third grade year. He is now in the 4th grade. My son B has made tremendous progress. He was the one I thought I would lose for sure. B was completely out of control, screaming, throwing things, fighting, kicking, hitting, biting, breaking things, refusing to eat, take a bath, change clothes ....... His mother and her friends had turned him completely against him. They even had Be convinced that he was a dumpster baby. They told him that we found him in the dumpster, and that I really didn't want him!!

I was speaking with B's therapist yesterday, and he told me that it is common when one sibling is making progress with their emotional problems, another sibling will act out and become difficult.

Both myself and my youngest son B (just turned 10) are depressed, worried, and having great difficulty concentating. If I was suicidal, I think that I would have ended my life Saturday. Thank God I'm not suicidal. B has been sharing his feelings with his teacher at school. Today B's therapist will meet with B at school instead of his office, so he can help B deal with this issue concerning his brother D.

Tomorrow I will take my oldest boy D to see his brother's therapist for an evaluation. Because of conflict of interest, my oldest boy will need to see another therapist for therapy. I'm hoping that my son D will cooperate and try to work out his problems. Tomorrow afternoon I will meet with D and his counselor at the Hutton House.

This is all very stressful for me. I'm a single parent, with many medical and physical problems myself, just barely getting by. My son D will stay at the Hutton House for 15 days, then they will have to release him. D doesn't want to come back home, and refused to see one of the pastors at Shelter Cove.

My oldest son D seems to be shutting himself off from everything that is close to him -- friends, pastors, church, father, brother. He even told me that he can't read his Bible. He won't talk with his little brother. I even bought him his favorite juice (V-8 Splash), and he wouldn't take it.

I was reading up on mental disorders, and came across Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My son appears to have all of the symptoms. I've also wondered if D and myself might have Bipolar Disorder. I have many of the depression symptoms. D has most of those and the mania symptoms as well.

I find it strange that my youngest son, just turned 10, has been dealing with the divorce, court battle, his mother deserting him, and so many other issues, much better than his older brother? B is more open with his problems and feels quite comfortable talking with just about anyone.

I find it difficult to relate to suicide, since I have never been suicidal. Mental problems seem to run in the family on my mother's maternal side of the family. Mental problems have hit many of the women (my mother, sister, grandmother, and numerous aunts and female cousins), along with a few men (my uncle, nephew, and several male cousins). The three of us (myself and my two boys B and D) are ADD. B is ADHD. That only complicates our lives even more! Any ideas, suggestions, resources, prayers ..... Help!!!!

Thanks for reading my long message. I couldn't share anything last night at Celebrate Recovery. Too depressed. I know that it helps to share things .......

-- vja4Him

Hi vja

I'm sorry to hear that your family has undergone such tremendous upheavals in such a short period of time. As a counselor myself, I can reassure you that, although your son's behavior is frightening to you, it is also very normal and to be expected under the circumstances. It does not mean that you have done, or are doing, anything wrong.
Although it is tempting to self-diagnose your son via sites on the internet, it is necessary in all cases to get a diagnosis from a professional. So please try to let go of all the wondering whether he has bipolar or ODD or whatever. Even as a psychologist, it would be unethical of me to begin to offer you a diagnosis for your son based on just one posting alone. However I can reassure you that he does not have bipolar. I hear that he has mood swings but that does not make a person bipolar, especially at his age.
D is feeling overwhelmed by his circumstances, hence his announcement to you regarding suicide. The fact that he has announced it to you, tells me that his relationship with you is essentially sound. He has not carried out his thoughts, and he has told the one person in his life who is his rock, ie. you. So again be assured that, although he doesn't know how to deal with his experiences, he is telling you in his own way that he is in pain.
Yes, find him a counselor that he feels comfortable with. Let him decide on which counselor he wants. Please try not to influence who he sees - for his therapy to work he must feel absolutely comfortable with the person he is with.
Are you able to approach his old school where he obviously felt happy and explain to them the situation regarding his mother and now, this latest occurrence. If it was possible for that school to rethink their decision, that may help your son, especially if he sees you are going in to bat for him.
Despite your comments regarding your ex-partner's treatment of D, in any breakup, the children of the partnership are often angry with both parents, even if one may be clearly to blame. Be aware that D may also be angry with you for a variety of reasons over his mother's departure. This may not be logical to you, but again, that does not matter. Suicide doesn't seem logical when you're not in that position, but it seems perfectly logical when you're in the right circumstances.
It is important for you to seek counseling too, both for your own sake and that of both your boys. You need looking after too! What does your younger son think of your housekeeper? Does D have a point regarding her reminding him of his mother, or is that not valid.
This is a difficult situation, but not one that cannot have a happy outcome for all three of you. With you having counseling as well, you will be able to determine why your son doesn't want to come home. Good luck with it. If I can be of any help please let me know.
Best wishes,
Beth

[crabbycosmo]

It sounds like your child has not dealt with the "mom" issue. That is integral to who he sees himself as and how he feels about himself. I hope some of this can help because I am going through the same situation, although not as severe as yours.

My child, who just turned 14, has a mother (I have custody) that has basically abandoned him, she doesnt call or visit with him or even email him.

When I got him, he was depressed for about 2 weeks, which I felt was normal under the circumstances. It wasnt severe. Since then, he has sporadically become depressed and we always talk about it (which is the hardest part). Depression is anger turned inward and with my child it is invariably that his depression is linked to a series of bad choices he has made that come to a head or one big bad choice.

I explain to him that it isnt fair to forgive others and then turn around and not forgive himself. He does that at times and I have to stop him and say, hey, the whole point of guilt is to be a big red light that says... time to change behavior and choices... and then look forward, not at the past.

Then I usually remind him of the progress he has made. It may seem small to us but to them it is a big deal to hear from us that they have gotten better. Heck, one time he came home and explained thoroughly something that told me - OK, he is pretty much over that problem! I withdrew his grounding and made a big deal about it.

Stress is the biggest problem for teens in general. I do a lot to keep my child at a moderate level of stress and I do this every day. Their brains are not really doing a whole lot at the 7th and 8th grade level except for whatever normal growth is to occur. But they have more real world tasks and decisions to make. They are still kids - although I tell my child he is no longer a kid and that wont fly with me anymore .

I use the team approach. I have severe medical problems which limit me physically but I still push myself to do some things when I know he is stressed. If I know he has homework, has a sports activity and his usual chores, I will ask him what will help him get it all done and pick up a chore here and there in those situations. This in turn causes him to be more considerate of me as well. He is also more likely to sit with me when he gets home from school and go through everything he did and needs to do.

My child is going to start therapy next month - and the intention is to discuss his mother. He has started opening up about what went on and how she handled him.

The one thing that my child mentions a lot and I was sorta surprised that he held on to this one thing that I told him was about what I call the "toolbox". I told him that everyone gets a toolbox when they are born and they put tools in there as they grow up. For example, when mom gets mad, I use the "RUN tool" to get out of the situation. Now in some situations, that is a good tool to use, like when you have totally made a huge group of people mad at you and they are coming at you - pull out the "RUN tool". Now, you dont pull out the "CRY tool" when you are hungry - babies use that tool. When your wife is angry, are you going to use the "RUN tool"?
Well, he likes that analogy and always talks about it when he has conflict or has changed his behavior with something. He will say.. "Nope, that wasnt a good tool to use, I will try this one instead". For some reason that has totally simplified behavior and his reactions to people a lot. He will also say that he understands that his mother's behavior under this or that situation caused him to use this one "tool" because it accomplished what he wanted. At the same time, he understands the world doesnt operate the way that it did at his mother's.

This is the tricky part though, because a boy doesnt want to identify his mother as a "bad mom". We dont do that, we discuss the facts of what happened and then analyse his behavior from that. That way it stays neutral and only bringing out the facts of what happened. It has opened his eyes immensely and he now is more able to stand outside of himself and look at what he is doing. Initially he resisted this type of dialog but now he sees that it makes his life better and happier so he is doing it himself as well.

I wish you the best and hope and pray that your child will open up.
Anna