[Overworked_Dad]

Just wondering what people consider the appropriate age to stop spanking a child (assuming they ever did it) and whether it's inappropriate for a father to spank a daughter. The reason I ask is that one of my daughters has a friend her age (12) who still gets an occasional spanking at home, and she lives with her father and stepmother so I can only assume it's him that's doing it. Seems too old to me but I wonder what others think. Also, should underwear be worn? I think it should, especially at that age, but most people I've talked to who spank do it without underwear in between. Thoughts?

[punkytina]

I have 5 children, i have never smacked/spanked my children.. Yes they have been naughty,but i have never felt the need/desire to hit them.I think its inappropriate for an adult to hit another adult so why should they be allowed to hit a minor? Especially as i noticed you said without underwear!! I think parents that hit their children do so out of frustration/anger and that leads the child when older to behave the same way.So to answer you question,there is no age to stop spanking as parents shouldnt hit their children in the first place ..
all the best
Tina xxx

[Overworked_Dad]

Thanks for your thoughts, and I sympathize with your position on spanking/hitting. I don't his my kids either but I think that there can be a reasonable use of force with a child if it's very cautiously used. The thing that bothered me when I heard about my daughter's friend was mainly the fact that the girl is 12 and already well into puberty, so the idea of her father putting his hand on her bare bottom seems inappropriate to me, even if it is a disciplinary smacking or what have you. I'm not sure what exactly the age cutoff should be for parents who spank, but I certainly think that if a father is spanking his daughter, then she should have underwear on and not a bare bum. I'd like to hear some more opinions though, as I'm weighing whether or not to say anything to the girl's father.

[kalhayd2]

Originally Posted by Overworked_Dad

The thing that bothered me when I heard about my daughter's friend was mainly the fact that the girl is 12 and already well into puberty, so the idea of her father putting his hand on her bare bottom seems inappropriate to me, even if it is a disciplinary smacking or what have you.

I agree. We have a nine-month old- so we're not at spanking age anyway. My niece is 12 and has had spankings(with clothing ON) but they've stopped YEARS ago.

I think it's WAY more effective to take things away and ground at the pre-teen age.

[Overworked_Dad]

Does anyone think I should speak to the girl's father about what I've heard? I don't want to cause trouble over nothing, but there's something about the whole thing that makes me uncomfortable. Spanking a 12 year old girl is questionable enough, but if it's going to be done I don't see why it needs to be on bare skin. I think I'd look at it differently if it wasn't for that. Pulling her panties down, even from the back, is just wrong in my opinion. I understand that spanking is meant to be done on a bare backside when it's a young child, but a preteen should have her underwear on, at minimum.

[mcmama]

Bare bottom is really problematic because it is not immediate, and it involves shame. At any age, unless the toddler or preschooler is running around creating havoc with no clothes on.

I don't know what good it will do to speak to the girls father if he is doing this, but it might confirm your suspicions and then you can decide if it needs to be reported or further intervention is necessary.

Or it might get the girl a beating for telling.

[QueenAngie]

It is not appropriate to be spanking a 12 yo child....let alone on the bare bottom.

Maybe your daughter could ask if the 12 yo girl has marks from the spanking...

I wonder if a dad to dad discussion would cause a further beating too.

Suggestions?

[lavatea]

Originally Posted by Overworked_Dad

Also, should underwear be worn? I think it should, especially at that age, but most people I've talked to who spank do it without underwear in between. Thoughts?

So you don't know that underwear is not being worn in this case? Am I reading that correctly? From what you say, it seems that you are concluding that underwear is not being worn because the spankers you've talked to generally spank on bare bottom. Is this a fair assessment?

I don't think 12 is too old to be spanked, but I definitely think it would be inappropriate for it to be on a bare bottom. Honestly I can't think of a situation where a bare bottom would ever be appropriate. If you want to strip the child down to underwear, I can understand as often jeans or pants provide too much padding (if you're spanking with your hand), but panties are thin enough to provide no cushion yet still provide a level of modesty.

I don't think talking to the father would do any good. Right now you are going off what the daughter has told your daughter. I think you should ask your daughter for more clarification on the subject. If you're still feeling uncomfortable after speaking with her, maybe you should report the family. I hate the thought of bringing CPS in when they aren't needed, but sometimes you have to follow your gut.

[fostermommy]

Was this girl confiding in your daughter because she feels violated? When I was spanked as a much younger child, I would have been mortified if my friends knew. Maybe she is reaching out for help from your daughter. As hard as this is, I would call child protective services. You can remain anonymous, and your daughter doesn't have to know.

[KR258]

I think 12 is too old. I think 8 is too old. Other methods (such as taking away things or privalges) are much more effective at those ages. I don't think I would speak to the father about it because I too would worry that the girl would get in trouble. I am not sure what I would do though. I would say if your gut is telling you something you should follow it carefully.