[For little Elza]

My family has been through a lot in the past three years, one full-term loss of a pregnancy, and two subsequent pregnancies afterwards. My DH is going to school full-time and I have worked up until all three of my due dates working to support the entire family.

The past 10 months have been different with DH. After our child was born, he became much moodier and meaner. He has gone to the doctor and started medication for his angry outbursts. Things have been pretty much up and down... things look like they are improving, then they blow up again out of nowhere.

So now I am 8 months pg. Last Monday he went into a violent outrage and broke a metal kitchen chair to pieces and the trash can too. This happened right in front of our two children, one 11 year old and a 10 month old. And again, I am pregnant. He claims he was frustrated. I was traumatized, as I am sure our 11 year old was too. I thought he would throw the chair into the walls, into the big picture window in the living room, or at me.

I know I am not perfect and that my behavior contributes to the overall dysfunction. My big issue right now is just that I work my behind off every single day, and that he doesn't even bother to get to school on time or make any efforts outside of the house. People have called and offered him work on the side and he won't take the work. He can log work study hours in and he never goes. He leaves everything up to me financially and I am really pregnant and tired. This is the reason I get upset, then try to talk to him, and then face his anger about these situations.

He doesn't seem to understand my physical and mental exhaustion. When he can help financially, he does not even try. If he were doing super good in school, or even going on time, I could understand a little bit more. But I am resenting having to do all the financial stuff. And just yesterday he created an unneccesary $115 charge on my credit card for a car part... that is another story. HELP!

[mcmama]

You need some kind of intervention with him. Breaking chairs in front of the children when you are pregnant because he is frustrated is really a sign that he has some mental health problems. And you and the kids need to be safe.

Not taking financial responsibility while you are doing everything, and then taking out rage on the family because of frustration is a sign that he is really unstable. You seriously need to have a plan for getting away, or getting him away, or getting him some mental health services. You cannot do this alone.

I have put this link on other threads, it may help you too:
www.bpso.org

[MissyChrissy]

Don't be hard on yourself-you're doing way too much, and it sounds like you're under tremendous pressure. I'd INSIST he help out financially, or tell him you're leaving. You're already doing it alone as it is-without him in the house, at least you wouldn't have the stress of his flair ups. If he loses it, call the police. They'll remove him. You HAVE to be firm-and set a good example to your children that no one deserves to be treated that way. Because I hate to say it, but if your children witness you putting up with it, chances are they will put up with that from their future partners as well. For your sake and their's you need to create boundaries for your husband. He'll either shape up, or not, but that will be totally on him. You cannot save him, make him happy, or make him better. That has to come from him. You leaving could motivate him to do it.

(((HUGS)))

[QueenAngie]

Oh My!

I am really sorry that things are not going well.

You are the mother. You have to protect yourself, your unborn child, and
your two other children.

If you, as an adult, feel traumatized over the chair & trashcan episode,
imagine how much worse it is for the child to witness it.

Children that live in households where abuse is deemed 'normal' will
continue the cycle as they become adults.

Wish that I could wave a magic wand and make it all better.

Please keep us updated.

You are in my prayers.

[For little Elza]

Thank you gals. You all brought up some good points. First, I agree with mcmomma... we do need an intervention. DH is getting help and called a hotline afterwards and has taken the iniative to get some help outside the home. I did not ask him to do this, he did it on his own and is participating in a resource through his health insurance. But I have not done anything for me yet. My health insurance is very good and I know once I start I can pull my family into counseling as well. We all need this, but especially me and DH. He has asked me to get US into counseling for some time (because it is my insurance that will cover it... and therefore has asked me to seek some counseling too). I need to follow through with this.

Right now, I am planning on moving back to my home town in SD, where I will not be so isolated anymore and have family around to help. This will happen in August. DH has to finish school here in AZ. With the talks we have had recently, I have shared that I will be helping with the household until I leave in August, and that he must do what he needs to do between now and then to be prepared to take care of this smaller household in Arizona by himself whilst the kids and I are up in SD. I told him I want him to assume full responsibility of himself for the 4 months we will be living apart. I am very certain I can hold my end of the deal up and just not help. I think he needs to experience what it actually takes to financially manage a household, even if just for one. I keep telling myself, "If he can't take care of himself, he sure as heck can't take care of you."

Most of our fights are really centered on financial responsibility (or his lack of) and how these impedes my life and makes life tougher for me.

For now, I can only try to seek some help for myself. Thanks ladies and please keep us in your prayers. I am glad that DH is willing to do things for change, but knowing better and doing better are always two very separate things!

[mcmama]

Sounds like you have some good plans. Hope you are having a happy mothers day!

[For little Elza]

Today I am sad. I don't know why I have to be the sole financial support sometimes. I mean, it is hard to be 8 months pregnant and trudge off to work each day, working to pay every bill in my house. My DH can't seem to understand that his lack of work or lack of follow through in so many things cause financial hardship FOR ME. When I do try to talk to him, he gets defensive and starts yelling at me. Am I wrong for wanting him to work? When I say this to him, he comes up with excuses that pertain to me holding him back from getting a job. Everything is always my fault. Is it some kind of abuse that I don't know the name of for one person in a relationship to totally let the other spouse foster all the responsibility for the finances, then throw a fit and yell when any problems are addressed? I am so sad, worn out, tired, and just don't know how to deal anymore.

[MissyChrissy]

Yes, it's emotional and mental abuse. You need to leave. You're already doing it alone...you don't need him hanging onto you, dragging you down, verbally abusing you and making you feel worse.

As hard as you imagine things might be, they'll actually be better for you once you let him go. You'll be able to maintain your life, as you see fit, and won't have someone making excuses to leach off you.

I'm sorry...I have zero patience for dead beats. I HATE men who cling to their wife/girlfriend like that. I say, if you have to do all the work, then you should do it on your own.

That's not to say that stay-at-home dads are bad. Far from it...but usually the woman is the bread winner, and the dad does all the housework and primary childrearing.

It works when both parties contribute to a household. When one is just a taker, it's bound to fail.

You deserve SO MUCH better. Really, you do.

[For little Elza]

This is the only place that I have to go right now. Today we just got into a fight. He failed to inform me about a bill that is now over $300 and we got a utility disconnected. The bill is in his name and the last time I paid it it was well over $470. So, that combined with my comment, "Please don't tell me we have two utilities off and the house is going to look exactly the same as when I left this morning (despite the fact the baby was in daycare all day)," led him to erupt on me. He yelled, called me obsene names, and picked up a box to throw it at me. He didn't throw it. I have to leave.

[mcmama]

Yes, I think you do have to stay safe, and keep your children safe.

You are working, he is not, money is tight, bills are not paid, utilities are shut off, you are not told, he is home - but the baby is in daycare?

He's not holding up his end - or any end - and all.