[neelye]

My wife and I have been married for 21 years; the last 10-11 have not been great. Our oldest daughter just started college away from home and my wife has revealed to me that she feels in an ongoing war with me and sometimes our youngest daughter. She feels alone, unsafe, and that I don’t support her. She also claims that I have never supported any of her activities or interests, which other than shopping, decorating and art, she has none.
I own a very successful business and I have my fair level of stress and I also travel 40% to 50% of the time for business and pleasure. We leave in a gated community, safe, and my income is very high, we don’t miss anything and have good savings. We take one or two big trips a year to Europe or South America, we go out to dinners often, and I have tried to get her to enjoy my hobbies, skiing, SCUBA diving, fishing, motorcycle ridding, skeet shooting, and others, but I feel she resents the fact she is doing my hobbies and not hers. When I ask her about her interest she says that I have denied her the opportunity to pursue hobbies or friendships. She doesn’t work nor does she needs to work, she hasn’t work in 19 years.
For the record, I don’t know why she feels unsafe when I have never put a finger on her or threaten her with violence, that is not existent in our home; I have not even called her once a *****. Yes, if feel alone and disconnected with her, we have a full time cleaning lady that comes every day during the week from 9 to 4 to clean up, make beds, grocery shopping, errands, etc. My wife has the entire day available to do whatever she wants. We also belong to a country club where she could do Golf, Tennis or other things. She has very few friends.
I’m at a total loss and I know I cannot make her happy because she is not happy; she needs to find her own happiness. Any ideas? Am I crazy that I should expect her to have a life of her own too, a mother life, a wife life and her own as an individual? Am I crazy that when we don’t have a dinner on the table I get upset?
This is just my side of the story, we have alife that few people do.

[mollymae]

You get upset when she hasn't got dinner on the table?

[Jaderia]

To me it sounds like she put herself on the back burner and put you and your daughter first. Now that your daughter is in college, she has no idea what to do with herself. The life she knew is gone. She does sound a little depressed and maybe menopause is giving her a whirl. If she likes shopping and decorating, redo a room in your house, and help her with it. Go with her to pick out paint and furniture. I say hang in there, give her time and space and she will eventually find her old self again.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Am I crazy that I should expect her to have a life of her own too, a mother life, a wife life and her own as an individual? Am I crazy that when we don’t have a dinner on the table I get upset?

Seems like you have a very one sided relationship. You both need to do something new together as a team.

Ballroom dancing?
Making a special area in the yard with a fish pond, favorite plants, that you actually dig and plant together.
Bike riding together?


And starting a date night every week with your wife, where she is the center of the date, just like when you were young and in love.

Apparently you feel that she should have dinner on the table, awaiting your arrival at home. If that is the case, she must also have specific expectations of your daily behavior.

Try some marriage counseling...you two are not communicating together.

Wishing you all the best.

[mcmama]

These are really good ideas Angie has. And I don't think its so weird to want dinner on the table when you get home - what I am hearing is that you want some stability, and family hanging together, whether she cooks it or not. You want to run the business of the business and her to run the business of the house.

She may have some depression, or be going through a transition which we sometimes do when our first one goes to college.

Couples that come through these transitions together are the ones who share hobbies, enjoyment, and also have the respect to let each other develop their own passions. For example, I know a couple here who retired young, he golfs, she doesn't, they both run, she takes the kayak out by herself, they belong to social clubs together, she dances, he doesn't. But they have fun together.